Im In Love With A Married Woman

Sup guys. This is a really long read as usual but i mean REALLY long i've tried to do my best to atleast use paragraphs lol i know you most of you guys hate walls of text i've gotten alot of shit for it in the past. I've been on here several times for advice on women and shit like that. So here's my current dilemma.
 
I was on here a couple months ago talking about this girl i met at my friends and did shit with her and ended up catching feelings for her. Well she's 100% a thing of the past, she's a straight bitch and i'm glad i realized that and quit messing with her.
 
So rewind to november of 2012 i made a post on here about the girl i was in love with for the previous 5 years and my entire teenage life marrying another dude. Everybody basically told me to get the fuck over it and apparently she wanted him instead of me. Ha ya'll are all pretty blunt and i guess thats a good thing.
 
So i basically quit talking to her as soon as she got engaged or whatever. I pissed her off one night not long after they got engaged because me and a couple buddies had downed 2 30 packs of bud light within about an hour and a half. I was pretty fucking wasted as you could imagine. So i got in my feelings and started talking mad shit on her and her fiancee. I hear her voice, look down to see i somehow managed to call her and she heard everything i heard haha... I immediately hung up and thought fuuuck man. So she texted me and said i was childish and not to talk to her anymore or some shit, she tried to call me but i was so drunk and upset over what she said i threw my phone and broke it. Ended up going outside my buddies apartment and punching out a wooden fence that enclosed the small back yard. Like 75% of the fence, then proceeded to go lock myself in a closet and cry harder than i think i ever have.
 
I sent her a message on facebook the next day and apologized and explained that i was super fucked up. She read it but never responded, I decided that was that. She was officially never going to be a part of my life again.
 
 
Here's a little background. I met this girl in 2007 when we we're 13 on myspace. We ended up meeting and talking to each other and i don't know we just really had a connection. We started talking alot and she ended up getting grounded for some dumb shit and lost her phone for like, several months. But she still snuck her phone every night to talk to me. We would either be texting or talking on the phone for 7 or 8 hours at a time. I remember one night we talked from like 11pm to 8am or some shit. We didn't even always have anything to talk about we just enjoyed each other that much i guess.
 
Well for some reason that i still don't know we never dated back then. She was always with some other dude instead of me. She was the first girl i ever really had anything with it was almost like she was my first girlfriend but we never dated. I know i might have done some dumb shit as a kid that might have made her look at me as undate-able or something i guess because i was immature. I don't know. But the time we spent together we were always making each other laugh and smile and shit and she always knew how much i was into her but never gave me that chance. Some of you guys are probably thinking he should have moved on a long time ago, and some probably understand why i still fucked with her.
 
So fast forward to april 2012. It was my 18th birthday and we went to the casino together and ended up getting a motel together. We didn't fuck or anything because i smoked a blunt and chugged like 6 beers within like a 30 minute period so i ended up getting the spins and puking in the bathroom all night lol i was pretty embarrassed. I woke up at like 4 am and she was asleep on the bed so i just layed down and slept next to her. Idk what would've happened if i didn't get too fucked up like that and pass out like a bitch. Oh i forgot to mention at this point she was technically single but still involved with the dude she ended up marrying, he ended up calling her that night and she didn't answer because she was with me, so being the controlling little bitch that he is he called her 57 times and she didn't answer once. That made me feel somewhat special lol.
 
Fast forward again about 2 weeks. She was texting me and asked me if i wanted to "give it a shot" i asked her what she meant exactly and she said see how we do together, at first i was like idk you've waited quite a while to pop this shit on me, even though i was fuckin ecstatic she had just asked me that. Anyways we ended up dating or whatever you would want to call it for about 4 days. I was deathly sick the entire time from the time she asked me that til the time she dumped me. Like i couldn't even get out of bed. So while i'm laying in bed sick as fuck she's texting me shit like "hey babe come get me from work" "i really wanna see you" and i couldn't get out of bed.
 
So when i was finally well enough to go back to work i found out that she had pulled some sort of bullshit with me because she was back with this douchebag again. How did i know? Because he was an assistant manager at the grocery store i worked at. Plot twist right. He comes up to me all pissed off and says you know M is back with me now right? I didn't even know what to say all i could say was oh yeah? I was pretty fucking angry because i felt i'd been played with. I called her as soon as i got off work and she tried to downplay it, said to come pick her up that night and she'd talk to me about it. Well she basically tried to avoid explaining anything to me and just acted like it was self explanatory. I took her home and i was pretty mad and hurt over the deal.
 
We didn't talk much after that for months. Fast forward 7 months and i find out she's getting married. So anyway after the ordeal i already told you guys about where i got drunk and accidentally called her we stopped talking altogether. For a year and a half we didn't speak. She would come into where i worked and talk to her husband and we would try not to even look at each other. I saw her once when i went thru where she worked and got a fountain drink and it was pretty awkward she asked how i was doing i said fine and she said have a good day. Besides that no contact for a year and a half. ]
 
So fast forward once a fucking gain to about late june of this year. I got drunk one night and messaged her on facebook simply saying hey. I woke up the next day and was like fuck, hows this gonna turn out? and why in the hell did i message her. She messaged me back and said "hey long time no talk" so from there we started talking again as friends and i ended up finding out from one of her friends that her marriage is on the rocks and not going well. She had been staying with her friend.
 
So anyways me and her started hanging out again and shit and it almost felt like we were teenagers again when we were together. That connection and bond was still there. She ended up moving back in with him not because of him but her friend has like 4 kids and she didn't want to stay there any longer. I got drunk with her one night and asked her if she was happy and she straight up said no and that she regretted getting married. We've been real close for the past 2 months or so and the other day she told me she wanted to move to a different state with her mom after she got off diversion. I said man don't leave me, she said sorry but i have to get away from here. I told her to take me with her and she seemed excited about the idea. 
 
Since we've been getting close again we've had some special moments together. One night we went and layed on a closed down bridge that goes over the river and looked at the stars and we both fell asleep. We ended up snuggling up together on the bridge together for a couple hours, i woke up and just held her close to me and hugged her tightly. I fell back asleep and when i woke up again it was like 2am.
 
Then saturday night she invited me over to her friends where they were drinking and we had a great time, a few people showed up and left. I was ended up getting kinda drunk and passing out with her on her friends couch. A dude that was there was going home so her friend tried to get me to catch a ride with him and i didn't really want to because i didn't want to leave my love. So she said just get in the truck and talk to me for a minute all nice, me being drunk i was like alright, then they took off trying to take me home lol. I told them my address which was like 10 to 15 block from where we were and they couldn't find it. I said "thats fucked up i didn't even get to say bye to M" her friend said i know you love her and all that but you can talk to her tomorrow. I said ok just drop me off here and they did so i said fuck this and jogged 6 or 7 blocks back to her friends house and M was happy to see me. Her friend thought it was funny and didn't really care i was back again. So it ended up just being me and M outside and she told me how sweet she thought it was that i ran all the way back. So we grabbed my hand and held it and guided me in the house where we chilled for probably another hour. We both called each other babe at a point without even thinking about it and that stuck in my mind for some reason.
 
So we go to leave to eat breakfast at this point its like 5am and she lets some dude come with us that was at her friends house, he proceeds to get all intellectual and explain how he feels about relationships and all kinds of deep shit neither of us were really paying attention too. We were both trying to stay awake lol. But he wiped some food from her mouth with a napkin and i noticed and thought it was kind of weird, then a few minutes later she was falling asleep and he was like "open your beautiful eyes" at that point i was like dude im gonna be completely honest i really don't like the way you're talking to her right now. He said i apologize man i was just being polite. Polite my ass. Anyway she didn't really say anything about what i said but i saw she had a little smile. My house was like 3 blocks from where we were eating so she was gonna drop me off first but i said fuck no take this guy home first so i can talk to you.
 
So she did and on the way back i told her how i was feeling those old feelings for her again and shit and i don't really remember everything that was said but when we got to my house she kissed me for the first time ever, not tounge or anything just a kiss on the cheek. To most that might not sound like anything but considering what had conspired between me telling that dude to back the fuck off and that i was falling for her again and everything i think it meant something idk what. But i ended up leaning over and hugging her and resting my head on her neck for basically like 5 minutes and i said "i know you can't say it back.. but i love you" and she said i love you too. After she kissed me i said "i can't get nothin else?" meaning a real kiss and she just didn't say anything so i took the hint. She knows she's still married so maybe she feels guilty even though they're on the verge of a divorce.
 
So i don't know what the fuck to think at this point guys. This girl has done me wrong in the past but i also take into consideration we were both young and immature. Now I'm 20 and she's 21. I just honestly feel like she is my soulmate i always have but i figured i was just fucked once she got married and had to force myself to forget about her. Me and her are alike in so many ways and have so many things in common its unreal. Even football. She's the only girl i've ever met that can talk with me about football for hours she knows about all the players and everything she just as big a fan as me. And i forgot to mention she's a straight 10 and everyone knows it but thats obviously not why i love her. The guy she married is seriously an ugly fuck and one of the biggest douches you'll ever meet but i guess they say opposites attract. So i'm really sorry about the book i just wrote and if you read it all you're fucking awesome but i'd just like someones opinion on what i should do from here. Should i wait til she gets divorced and not talk to her as much or just say fuck it and keep talking to her and doing things with her?

 

Nah lol i'm not stupid. It's not like i haven't had sex with any other girls either. Like i said she might have fucked me around when we were young but if you read my whole story its obvious she has some feelings for me.