Matts Ultimate Guide To Passing A Drug Test

Feel free to skip to the bolded sections for specific topics.  Also, in regards to any typos, you're lucky enough I felt like taking the time to write all this shit down so quit bitching.  And take any smart-ass remarks, stuff them in an old, rusty can, and shove them up your ass. Here's the rest-
 
Yesterday I went to do a pre-employment drug screen, only to find out that the collection site my potential employer used was the most ridiculous, you'd-think-I-was-arrested-for-trafficing collection place ever.  The line was over an hour long (apparently even longer at their other locations according to others waiting), and their requirements were the most ludicrous I've ever heard of (I have a medical background and experience in addiction treatment and this was still unbelieveable!).  Aside from the usual BS of "Lift your shirt up," "don't close the door," and "don't flush the toilet," you were required to give what the nurse described as "a full bladder's worth" of sample for collection while she basically looked over your shoulder (the max actualy needed for testing is 3 oz for a triple backup collection and most places only ask for 2 oz).  Knowing I was screwed because I just had a "large" 4 oz bottle of synthetic urine securely nestled downstairs so that I could flip it open and squeeze without ever taking it out from behind my fly, I left saying that I couldn't wait an hour and emailed my would-be employer claiming I had a wedding to get to and hadn't planned on having to wait an hour to piss in a cup.  I'm still waiting to hear back to see if they'll actually let me or if I'm fucked out of a job.
 
Long story short, I couldn't find any way of passing the test under their controls using freeze-dried or synthetic urine. Even the "whizzard" (one of the realistic fake penises that have a bladder you can fill with synthetic/freeze-dried urine) wouldn't cut becuase it only holds a few ounces, not to mention the $140 price tag.  So I built my own for about $25. 
 
Here's how you can build you own "novelty urination device," too:
 
You'll need these items from your local Lowes/Home Depot (they total about $10)-
 
1) 2 ft of 1/4" OD clear vinyl tubing (plumbing dept)
2) 1 1/4" OD quick-connect T-connector (plumbing dept)
3) 1 pack of 4 inch cable ties (electrical dept)
4) 1 tube epoxy or super glue (needs to be water proof and adhere platic-plastic)
5) 1 1/4" drill bit
 
These from your local liqour store (again about $10)-
1) 2 Shark Skinzz 7.5 oz flasks
 
And these from your local drug store (about $5)-
1) 1 roll self-adhesive cloth bandages
2) 2 packs of hand warmers (optional since sample should be kept at correctly from body heat, and can also be found a sporting goods stores if not available at drug store)
 
Just given the list above most people can probably figure this out, but here's how to put it together-
 
1) Use the 1/4" drill bit to drill holes into the middle of the caps of the flasks (you don't even need a drill since it's plastic, just use a towel to grip the bit and twist)
2) Insert a 3"-4" segment of the 1/4" tubing into each cap allowing about 1/4" to stick out inside the cap
3) Use epoxy/glue to seal tubing into cap and let dry
4) Insert tubing and cap pieces into opposite arms of T-connector and insert 6"-8" segment of 1/4" tubing into perpendicular arm of T-connector
6) Use epoxy/glue to seal tubing into T-connector and let dry
7) Fold back final 1/2"-1" of the 6"-8" piece of tubing on itself and secure using cable tie just tightly enough so that no liquid will pass through even when pressure is applied, but not so tight that you can't slip it off when it's time to fill the cup later on and cut off the excess of the tie
 
Now you have your own "novelty urination device".  Use the self-adhesive bangades (and maybe a little duct tape if needed) to secure the device to yourself so that nothing can be seen under a pair of boxers, the flasks are between your legs so you can squeeze them to produce a nice, strong stream from the other end, and the long piece of tubing can be held on either side of your penis so that even the nurse is doing everything but holding your dick she can't see it. Remember, in order to keep the sample at the correct temperature (90-100 degrees) it needs to be pretty snug up between your thighs.
 
If you want to go the extra mile and actually get a prosthetic penis, try this website: http://www.tootimid.com/small-dildos-under-5-inches-short.html.  Just use the drill bit to hollow out a tunnel for the tubing and adjust the tubing length accordingly, then use the self-adhesive bandage (or maybe a heavier duty Ace bangade) to secure it. Unforunately you won't be able to fold back and secure the end of the tubing this way, so you'll have to figure out that part yourself.
 
So now we have our James Bond style delivey system that can deliver up to 15 oz of sample.  Again, no sane testing facility should ever ask for more than a few oz of sample, but I now know from experience that a handful of gestapo run centers do.
 
Onto our next topic: freeze-dried/real vs synthetic urine-
 
While researching I saw a lot of incorrect/incompete information on this subject, so here are real facts. If you've been researching this you probably alreay know that rehydrated freeze-dried urine is completely undectable by current tests but is also pretty damn expensive ($60 for 2 oz worth and $100 for 4 oz at most retailers), and synthetic urine is possible to detect by some current tests but is much cheaper ($30 for 4 oz worth). However, you should normally be able to dilute either 2x and still be just fine, but the place I went to was literally the only testing center I've ever heard of that required more than the normal 2-3 oz.  Anyway, just like the freeze-dried is more expensive, so are the tests that can detect synthetics (although that difference is decreasing).  According to my research, most tests check for the presense of urea (an compound found abundantly in human urine which has a long liquid shelf life and is in synthetic urine) to confirm the sample's authenticity, but some test for uric acid (which is present at lower levels in normal urine and has a fairly short liquid shelf life).  Currently, most employers are just going to use the cheap 7-panel drug screen that checks for common drugs (cocaine, amphetamines, opiates, marijuana, etc...) and uses urea for confirmation.  The same is true for most state (aka probabtion) tests.  However, a growing number of states and employers now use the more expensive tests that confirm using uric acid due to both increased awareness of people using synthetics and decreasing difference in cost.  Bottom line- even if there's only a 10% chance of them using the uric acid confirmation, if you really want the job or to stay out of jail then it's probably worth the money.
 
Lastly, my opinion on detox systems and cleansers-
 
If you don't already know, THC (and other cannaboids) is the about the only lipid soluble chemical used for drug detection.  That means that it's stored in your fat and can be detected for up to 60+ days of non-usage in some individuals.  The biggest factors in determining how long it's detectable are how much fat do you have in your body and how often/much do you smoke.  If you're a big person who smokes heavily and doesn't feel like stopping for a week or two or doesn't have the luxury of a week or two of notice before testing, then detoxing is unlikely to work for you. If you want to give detoxing a try, here are some tips for doing it-
 
1) Stop smoking right now. If you can't do this, head to Home Depot and start building
2) Stop eating fatty foods (red meat, dairy products, etc...)
3) Stop drinking carbonated drinks
4) Start drinking plenty of water.  A gallon a day is a good place to start, just don't go so far you get water poisoning. Yes, that's a real thing.
5) Starting excercising. Get your metabolism up and starting sweating since sweat contains oil and removes THC better than urine.
6) Up your fiber. Fiber redirects fat soluble metabolites to the colon rather than the urine. Invest in some Metamucil.
7) Buy a detox drink at your local head shop. Don't mess with the all-in-one pills because they're mostly just the fiber you've already been taking.
8) While you're at the head shop, ask a long time employee for their advice.  That's how I found out most of this stuff.
9) Buy a drug test from your local drug store so you can test yourself before you do the real thing. If you can't pass, head to the hardware store and start building.
 
Final word-
 
Remember, though, I had to go through all this and build my ridiculous "full bladder" device because I ran into the 1/10,000 testing center that actually goes far enough to need it.  I've never heard of a place that ludicrously stringent in my entire life, including from people on probation and in treatment.  Most times all you need to do is buy a bottle of synthetic urine (or a pack of freeze-dried and rehydrate it), stuff it down your crotch, and then reach into your fly and give the bottle a squeeze into the cup. However, with this you should be able to pass any drug test that falls short of a full body search.

 

Like I said, I've never heard of any place this ridiculous before, and that's including treatment centers and probationary testing. The US armed forces testing is the only one I'm aware of that has stricter protocol because they literally stand there and watch you pee.