Mental Illness Support/awareness Thread

Discussion in 'Pandora's Box' started by Papageorgio, Aug 14, 2014.

  1. Feel the same but my trigger is my mum. The fact my 'friends' cant understand why i dont like going certain places, ive got a razor in my weed box i really feel like im guna do it. Singing is something i like to do. I hope ur okay, know what its like to have someone you care about in prison. Sorry to kind of quote that song off toy story but "you've got a friend in me" if you ever wanna pm me
     
  2.  
    There isn't much range anymore, but I guess that's the medicine doing it's job. My emotions are basically flat-lined, indifference to everything. Meh.
     
  3.  
    How's that working for you? For me it's always been something lacking, for you it's been something suppressed.
     
  4.  
    Well, it's "working," no manic episodes. But there's no joy either. There's still depression/melancholy. That's about all there is it seems like. Everything is blah, or meh, or whatever, or I don't care.
     
    What do I want to eat tonight? Fuck, I don't care, I'm not even hungry, probably won't eat.
    What do I want to do this weekend? Probably nothing. Try and catch up on some sleep (yeah right)
    What am I gonna do at work on monday? More of the same shit i've been doin for years.
     
    It's hard for me to look forward to things, get excited about things, care about things (and even people). I feel mostly dead to the world and I think it's because of the medication. I stick with it because i'm afraid of another episode, but after all this "blah," mania isn't lookin too bad.
     
  5. #885 Papageorgio, May 20, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: May 20, 2015
    Fasting lab tomorrow, yay.
     
    CMP, lipid panel, magnesium, free t3, free t3, TSH, 25 Hdroxy Vit D. In case anyone is curious.
     
  6. #886 Cereal Killer, May 21, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: May 21, 2015
    Tired of hurting all the time, tired of always feeling guilty, tired of mourning what could have been, what should have been. Just fucking tired. And still can't sleep worth a damn, so not much I can do about it. Just work, lift, and smoke 'til I pass out awhile.

    I hope the therapy really will help. It's a slow, uncomfortable, almost painful process. I might be more fucked up than I thought I was, ha. Want to keep rolling in the right direction though, one day at a time.

    Everything go well, man?
     
  7.  
    I got an appointment next thrusday, I'll find out then. I think it was mostly to see if I have any thyroid problems or particular vitamin deficiencies.
     
  8. I had a meeting with some consultant today who told me that if I keep on going the way I'm going, I will die. And as selfish, as crazy, as.. whatever some of you might think this is, I honestly thought "well I'd rather die skinny, then live fat". But that's what eating disorders do. 
     
    But I feel out of control. I feel fat and shapeless, I feel ugly and I feel like the body I have isn't even mine. Starvation only feeds the voice in my head, the voice that tells me to put down that slice of cake, the voice that tells me I look ugly from every angle.. the voice that tells me that I'm not even worth it. And that's what I am. Worthless, devoid and meaningless. 
     
    I feel like anorexia is a full-on assault on all battlefields-- the cognitive, the neural, the physical, the emotional, the social.  It is so all-encompassing, nasty, and seductive.  It's not a neat war-front of parties on opposing sides like it is with you against physical illnesses like cancer for example. When you are losing you feel like you are winning, and when you are winning you feel like you are losing.
     
  9. #889 Papageorgio, May 23, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: May 23, 2015
     
    You must be at least *140* lbs. to ride the Papa. If that's any motivation... 
     
    *edit*
    Actually that might make things worse [​IMG]
     
  10. #890 SiriusWolff, May 25, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: May 25, 2015
    Went to see my doc last week. Ended up seeing a new girl since my regular was on vacation. I love the standard questions i get.

    "Are you suicidal?"
    "Are you feeling homocidal?"
    "how often are you experiencing pyschosis?"
    "Have you hurt yourself recently?"
    "Have you been talking to, hearing, seeing, or otherwise interacting with things that aren't there or others can't see?"
    "Do you feel more depressed or hopeless than usual?"

    Pretty much they are making sure i'm not a danger to anyone. This is always followed up by "have you tried (insert random med here). Then i have to get into what kinds i can take and what i can't. I've tried everything from outdated tricylics to old school anti psychotics and everything inbetween around 42 now in total.

    I hate being treated like an animal but i guess it's necessary when it comes to me. It does make me feel like i'm seperate from society and it makes me lose a little hope everytime.
     
  11. #891 SiriusWolff, May 27, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: May 27, 2015
    Self harm compulsions are ripping me apart right now. I need sleep horribly but i'm terrified to. The things i see and feel are so much worse than what i could come up with in real life. Real death, violence, blood doesn't bother me but the things i live in my sleep are the condensed form of madness and hell. I have noone, noone, noone at all. Sadly the only thing i have left to support me is the mental hospital.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt1Pwfnh5pc
     
  12. I have been to several of the local places here in S. ID and they are not to bad my favorite is Allumbaugh house but it is for people that have no insurance. My wife works at another one so I am not going there. I hate going inpatient but for me at least it does work. Good luck and go in before it is to late.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  13. #893 SiriusWolff, May 27, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: May 27, 2015
     
    I know the good ones in the area, i'm on medicaid since i'm disabled due to this and my back.

    It doesn't work for me it's just a time to decompress and have all duty and outside stimuli stripped not to mention the steady stream of good drugs. It's become vacation for me.

    I have also nearly died from a suicide attempt and what i experienced leaves me unable to kill myself so it's not really a worry. I just have to wait for my body to fail or something bad to happen, or accidently OD, anything that i didn't have a hand in.

    Thank you for caring though and offering helpful advice it means alot.
     
  14. Yeah I went in twice last year for two od attempts. I agree at them being vacations in a way cause for me it takes away all the stressors and unnecessary stimulation. Good luck man you can pm me if you need to blow off some steam.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  15. You know that i've often considered entering this thread, but never have until now because it frightens me. Not the things you say, but the fact that i understand how many of you feel.
    My mothers poor mental health genetics and my own personal experiences are what shall become my downfall. People say that you need to let go of your past, but what if you cannot? I know that we all go through experiences, but i feel so tired and angry that and it's impossible to slow my mind down. I never managed to get over some of the things that happened and it's destroying me as a person. 
     
    So many things still break my heart to this day. They were never spoken about because nobody has the time or cares and it's not their problem, anyway. I feel like i need to stand somewhere in the hills with someone holding my hand so that i can just scream and shout for a few minutes. Is that strange? I was voted 'Most likely to be a Comedian' etc in Senior School but that's not me. Each day, i hope that some idiot will throw a punch at me so that i can just whack them back... I've never even been in a proper fight, haha. 
     
    I'm going to be really honest and admit that without my beautiful wee 12 year old pooch, i wouldn't be where i am today. I know that people are sad when their dog dies, but i feel that when my beautiful companion passes i honestly will have nothing left.
     
    The clock is ticking my fellow GC users. MissBonnie will either flourish at the challenges ahead, or fall into a place where it wont be possible to get out alone. Peace out and thank you.  
     
  16. #896 Papageorgio, May 29, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: May 29, 2015
    Went over the lab results today. I'm lacking in vitamin D. Everything else was good.
     
  17. Thats kind of good you found that out man. My doc tested me for a bunch of stuff and Im pretty much clear. She forgot to check my vitamin d which she said can make me feel like how Ive been feeling.

    So I got to get that checked out. Are you about to take a supplement for it or what are they having you do?
     
  18. Still dont have anyone in the friend status and I have been living here for 3 years. I really dont know anyone besides people I brush shoulders with at the gym. Working out helps release my rage but other then that I dont do anything. Its a nice day here and I live in a spot people come to vacation. Hike, fish, raft, climb, camp, sight seeing............ I'm lucky that a receive VA benefits to live off of but I have zero life. 
     
     
    On the plus I hit on a chick the other day but she never called. I ran into her again and she stopped me to tell me she lost my #. I told her she missed out, dont want to seem to desperate :) I'll give it to her next time if the moment happens. BUT even if I do meet a chick I'm a guy that does not work(yet I have $) and has zero friends/life. Thats a huge hurdle for most and I understand that. Being an extreme hermit is easier in the winter.
     
  19. #899 Vicious, May 30, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2015
     
     
    You're not going to make friends if you don't reach out and establish trust. If you see somebody you think is chill simply ask if they want to smoke, have a drink, go fishing or camping. Considering you mentioned those activities you sound like an outdoors and outgoing type once your motivated and connect. Find a hobby, fishing, shooting, camping, lifting, climbing, whatever and work within that social group. Probably one of the best ways to make potential friends. You have to reach out and fine some peers. It doesn't have to be all at once. Just take steps and slowly develop socially or get back into society or however you look at it. Might take you a month, might take you a couple more years but if you're not where you want to be try to get out of it. Right now i'm fine "not having a life", it's a small break from any sort of drama, responsibility or pressure.
     
  20. I feel so damn on edge, and I can't shake it. Every little thing is either making me jump or making me boil. I want out, but I don't know where to go or how to get there. I have a mountain of guilt inside my head, and frustration from things that normally wouldn't make me bat an eye are turning it into anger, at myself, at the world. Things I feel like I'll never be able to stop seeing, things that I can never paint a proper picture of to someone else so that they can understand it. Or maybe there is no understanding it anyway.
     
    I am physically and mentally aching and exhausted. Exhaustion that sleep rarely touches, sometimes makes worse when nightmares reignite my remorse, horror, and disgust. Things I wished I had done differently, situations I wished I was never put into. So much I just shrug off, laugh about even, things that would disturb most. But it only took a few things to hack away at my sanity and hope. I play tough to try to comfort people I love, I'll be the shoulder to cry on, I'm happy to do it. I can't fix everything. I can't fix myself. I can't eliminate guilt that even months later still sometimes overwhelms me.
     

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