Thanks poke, you're so supportive It's true, if I can't recognize my feelings for what they are - a product of my illness, I will be in bad shape. It can be so easy to get caught in the false reality that is nothing but a spiraling black hole that I really have to stay in tune with my emotions to determine what's going on. I also agree that helping another person can help to bring me up, although it can be tricky to distance myself when their negativity starts to affect me.
Absolutely. If you ever forget who you are, just send me a pm and ill remind you of your beauty, inside and out Each of you has the power inside to alter the world in any way you see fit. It begins with self. Remenber that. Your brother ~ poke
I suffer from chronic depersonalization. I can't remember the last time I felt like I was attatched to my body.
Considering going to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Might have to see what a single visit costs out of pocket. I've always been too stubborn to even ponder going to one before. I fear I'm slipping down another hill. I'm not suicidal, haven't been at all for a year or so. My mental health has definitely taken a positive turn overall in the past few years, I feel like I was crawling out of a hole I'd been living in since childhood. My family had a big loss a month and a half ago, very unexpected, we were not remotely prepared. I've been the shoulder to cry on essentially the whole time since, my wife and I still talk about it some, but the last thing I want to do is throw more weight on her.Have dealt with a couple different pretty fucked up things at work recently too. I think that might be compounding it. I've always been the type to pour pain into my work, and being productive and helpful has a big benefit to me. Dreading it does not help. Neither does the lack of sleep. Guess most of it is likely due to external stress at the moment, I'm still scared of going back downhill. One thing or another, up and down.
Dealing with the depression of someone I love is almost more painful than dealing with my own. This is new to me. And fucking terrifying. I'm scared and I am sad. I don't want to lose him, but I will let him go if I have no other choice. I just hope it doesn't come to that. I am so confused and hurt and trying to do and be the right thing, but it's impossible to entirely separate myself from his emotions. I know his depression has nothing to do with me and I know there is nothing I can say or do to fix it. I am totally helpless. This day has been a blur. I just want to go home. But my room is full of his things and my bed smells like him. I just want to hold him and he just wants me to let him die.
I have that too Although in Europe, we're supposed to call it 'emotionally unstable disorder' or some shit. Fuck that it sounds worse. I'm here if you need to talk <3
IDK if I can keep going to my anxiety group... The CBT thing is sound, and it's really nice to hear from others who are experiencing similar things as me... However, the facilitator/leader really bothers me. She claims to have worked with trans* folks previously, but on the first day when I introduced myself and the pronouns that I would like to be addressed by, she scoffed. The second session, she misgendered me, but I couldn't get up the courage to correct her in the moment and instead spoke with her afterwards about it. She really didn't seem to understand the whole "singular they" thing, and how to use it, even after I tried to explain it to her in many different ways. I get the feeling that she'll continue to misgender me, which usually isn't super bothersome, but in a support group setting it is. :/ We were also discussing sleep, and she was saying a lot of things that are simply untrue. She said that cannabis and alcohol are both stimulants, and disrupt sleep. Myself and another group member tried to explain that there are different kinds of weed with different effects (indica vs sativa) but she didn't seem to care. Alcohol is most definitely not a stimulant; it does negatively impact sleep if you drink too much, but that alone doesn't make a substance a stimulant. Most worrisome was the pseudoscience she was spouting, still on the topic of healthy sleep. She was saying that you shouldn't keep lights or electronics near your bed because of the electromagnetic frequencies they radiate that can disrupt sleeping. (??) Also, that being indoors in artificial settings can induce anxiety because of an overload of positive ions, and that going outside or being near running water calms you down because of the negative ions. (??) I don't know much about this stuff, but it sounds like a load of horseshit to me. I'm gunna go to one more session, but I'm seriously considering withdrawing from the group.
maybe you should. I was reall heartbroken when my therapist dumped me last month, and i thought it was a total disaster and nothing good would come of it.. But it turned out to be good because it led me to finding this new therapist and i like her much much better. In fact i think i love her. Just joking but she's really beautiful and amazing and caring. idk about all the 'frequencies' and whatnot, but i do keep all electronics out of my bedroom, personally. I dont take my phone in there bc the light in my eyes will keep me up. I just keep it right outside my door where i can hear it. When i go into that bedroom i do nothing but lay down in the dark. Ive heard that light in general is bad for you after the sun goes down, but idk.
I crushed hard on a therapist I had when I was like 13, then she found another job I agree that keeping electronics out of your bed area (and bedroom, if possible) is good cause the light interrupts the production of melatonin, but the "frequencies" explanation just set off my BS radar.
Well and it's not all light (as I understand it) it's blue light/light that immatates daylight. So if you need an alarm clock, one with red lighting for the numbers is best (which I think most alarm clocks do, I've only seen ones with blue light on TV shows). For computers, f.lux is good (it reduces blue light emitted from your computer monitor, not sure if it's available for phones/tablets). ​​ I've heard people that believe that about frequencies. No idea if it's true, but they usually say you need to keep all electronics (that are on, at least) at least 10 feet away from you when sleeping, which is too much of a hassle for me with my current living situation.
u know what else i do? i keep a red nightlight in my bathroom. Someone passing thru would think its for like developing old pictures or something. Its actually a clamp lamp with a red CFL. i keep it on overnight so that when i stumble in there to drain my lizard, i dont have to turn the bright light on. Ive been doing that for like two years now and i love it. im gonna get you a pic when i get home. Bc i know you dont believe me.
Boderline personality disorder, depression, general anxiety disorder, blackouts and fits. Fuck all support im glad i found this thread tbh. The meds haven't worked since 19/20 but i have been suffering since 16, used to cut my wrists, arms, legs, had a mental breakdown last year and i didnt know it. Nhs are shit for mental health. I suffer hallucinations too, of spiders crawling all over me and a massive black rat, and thats wen the docs try to medicate. But i weaned myself off. the docs pushed 6 diffrent unmentionables none worked. Only thing that helps calm me down is a fucking spliff sometimes. Ive had mental issues long before i tried toking. But outsiders judge and blame the green. 😒😈 i was harrassed by a crazy narc ex who compulsivly lied and had class a unmentionable addicts stalk me amongst other things over custody. Then told the courts i had him stalked. Stupid son of a bitch did it in spite of me. He's the reason ive got anxiety. And my paki savile father is the reason i blackout. All them years being punched in the head, meh, im at that stage were i dont see anything better. Btw hi blades and bladies.
So this is the song i committed suicide to. It perfectly summarizes how i felt at that time and do now. I showed it too a friend today in good confidence. She played it at the most in opportune time ever and it really bothered me so i was prompted to type out why it's so meaningful to me. This seemed like the appropriate forum to do so. "Little Talks" Hey! Hey! Hey! I don't like walking around this old and empty house So hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear [Video version:] The stairs creak as you sleep, it's keeping me awake [Live version:] The stairs creak as I sleep, it's keeping me awake It's the house telling you to close your eyes -This part reminds me of so much of my life. The night time is when i'm alive and when everything is active. So this part encompasses all my issues with being a night walker and also the night terrors, haunted house, insomniatic psychosis nights, etc. All in all the house keeping me awake symbolizes the voices in my head and the anxieties, memories, hell keeping me awake at night to ponder it and the other voice telling me it's the house telling me to close my eyes represents that support, guardian, and healer i have in my life that is caring for me and watching with an unskewed view (I.e all my supporters who have all fallen to what's inside me) And some days I can't even dress myself It's killing me to see you this way -This small part carries alot of weight. With my back injury and other physical ailments some days i can barely walk or do normal things even dress myself. I'm nearly an invalid sometimes at 23 years old. The killing me to see you this way brings up tinging memories of what my illness did to my ex girlfriend and parents. My pain ravaged them also. 'Cause though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore -When i was sitting there before downing all the pills. This is one part that resonated over and over and over. No matter what my body will make it safe to shore. Safe to my funeral, creamation, and spreading. Hey! Hey! Hey! There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back Well tell her that I miss our little talks Soon it will be over and buried with our past We used to play outside when we were young And full of life and full of love. -This one plays on two levels for me. The old voice in my head is my true self. For one my true self is infact female not male like my body and on top of that has been so repressed and hidden for protection and also out of necessity. My true self doesn't serve me well in societal and power situations. -Soon it will be over and buried with our past we used to play outside when we were young. This section makes me think of how soon my death would be assimilated and forgot. I wanted to be buried and passed on, forgotten about. The second section talking about playing outside when we were young and full of life and hope brings me to a retrospective message i'd like to send to my best friends and family i played with as a child before all of this corrupted me. That's how i'd like to be remembered no matter how i went out. It goes deeper than that too but can't be put into words when dealing with the issue of me fighting my true self and other personalties and struggling with sociopathic problems too. Too much for words. [Video version:] Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right [Live version:] Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I'm right Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear -This part strikes deep also first off i'll note it plays on my supporters being there watching me see, hear, fight things that didn't exist telling me it's all ok and it's not there. Trying their damn dist to show me that the sick illusion that was reality for me was not all there was. At the same time it goes along with me not knowing if i'm wrong or right. It took me years to discern psychosis and my memories from reality and patch my whole life back together with the facts and then learn to actively decipher reality from fiction in waking and unconscious life which is a war in itself. The beauty and tragedy is i always have someone watching from the outside. I imagine me in a hospital bed dying and them sitting on the edge of the bed saying soft words trying to comfort and bring me out of it but no matter how hard i reach out my limbs don't move. Cause though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore Hey! Don't listen to a word I say Hey! The screams all sound the same Hey! - Don't listen to a word i say - i cannot trust myself and have to warn others to feel the same as my psychotic and socio tendencies and episodes can be more convincing than life. - The screams all sound the same makes me think of the voices i deal with fading into a roar as i faded out of consciousness succumbing to what i thought was death. At the same time it also represented the screams of those that felt pain and remorse from me dying fading away with time. Though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore Hey! Hey! You're gone, gone, gone away I watched you disappear All that's left is the ghost of you. Now we're torn, torn, torn apart, There's nothing we can do Just let me go we'll meet again soon Now wait, wait, wait for me Please hang around I'll see you when I fall asleep This is one of the most profound for me. It is somewhat written from the outside supporter view watching me fade away into death. Nothing but a ghost made up of the best and worst of myself is left. There's nothing anyone can do to stop this inevitability. Just let me go we'll meet again soon is one of the most painful lines in my opinion. My view on the afterlife is buddhist and reincarnation. I know everyone who matters i will see again sadly most don't share my vision. The last three lines are searingly painful they represent my want to still be close and remembered by those close to me. I'll never be too far away but the fact i'm untouchable brings pain on both sides. You'll see me in your dreams. Poetic torture. Hey! Don't listen to a word I say Hey! The screams all sound the same Hey! Though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore Don't listen to a word I say Hey! The screams all sound the same Hey! Though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore Though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore Though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghb6eDopW8I I listened to this whole song and the last thing i remember is on the last minute downing the alcohol and the swarm of pills. Everytime i hear this i feel torn and pulled towards it. A compulsion if you will since i suffer from self harm and suicide compulsions. There's something so painful and dark yet beautiful and transcendent in the whole situation. It's the definition of dichotomy for me. Too weird to live, to rare to die. Story of my life.
I say dump her. Alcohol is a depressant, weed is a narcotic (I think, idk). Alcohol can help you (me, at least) get to sleep, but i'm pretty sure it negatively affects the deep rem sleep. She seems pretty stupid. But the electromagnetic frequencies... Idk, kind of a heavy subject matter for me. I kinda went off on a tangent when I was manic about energy and frequencies. It's like when someone turns on an old school vacuum tube tv and you can tell from the next room over, there's some kind of a super high pitch frequency it produces, but it fades away once the tv gets warmed up, or you get used to it, idk. I think todays electronics do the same thing but at a frequency that we can't hear/percieve (or some kind of electromagnetic field), but I don't think it means that it wouldn't affect us in some way... When I was manic it was like I was SUPER sensitive to it. I couldn't sleep, everything electronic was just buzzing away. I unplugged what I could and it helped (at least in my head), but in my manic state it's not like I was gonna sleep anyway. I've felt the same way on certain unmentionables. Here's this link about positive ions n shit http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/negative-ions-create-positive-vibes
Yeah I can always hear CRT TVs and monitors when they're on. That high-pitched buzz never goes away, but if the sound is on it's easier to ignore than if it's muted or whatever. I'm going to one more session today. This will be the deciding one, I think. I'll let you all know how it goes, at this point I'm leaning towards dropping it, but I'll give it one more shot cause I'm stubborn like that. It's already given me a memory-jog about all those techniques I used to use, so now I have an arsenal if(when) I get bad again.
I'm depressed and suffer from anxiety. I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar or SOMETHING as well. I really need to go get that sorted.