I can definitely sympathize with this. She was having a bad couple weeks and I've been having a bad couple months. It can be difficult not to bring each other down when you're both having a hard time.
I'm on that edge of a huge blowout, it's hard for me actually talk about my feelings and right now there's too many to figure out. I'm enraged, I'm heartbroken, I'm frustrated, I'm stressed to the max, I keep giving when I don't have a thing to give. I hate this time of year.... Makes me anxious, hyper vigilant, stirs up old pain and recent pain, then it's my birthday so I can celebrate the worst year of my life medically, so I can wonder when the lease is up, who is going to make sure I don't seize and hurt or kill myself. This huge wall of shit that's going down, affecting the family, friends etc I can't even say how much I loathe this one person right now, she's sick with addiction but that's not an excuse to treat people this way. I think I'm overwhelmed a little
Hey just want to say I love you all. We all suffer. We must make a choice either give in or fight. I hope you guys never give up the fight. They say the grass is greener, but is it if it's sprayed with pesticides? Few months off meds now, one month of no ganja, haven't let my schizo overtake me again. Good luck. If you ever need someone to listen drop me a pm. Sent from my SPH-M840 using Grasscity Forum mobile app
Helping people really levels out my mood. Another reason I need to try not to withdraw as much when I'm down.
This is good to know... I always feel bad venting to people when I know that they're having a hard time themselves. But I totally know what you mean, since a couple people have come to me for help/advice this week I've been feeling a touch better. Makes me feel like I'm worth something and not just annoying everyone around me.
It's been hard to even put together a coherent thought, my mind has literally been racing a million miles an hour. And my perception of time is completely fucked, I was just sitting there watching tv and I don't really recall what happened it was like I dissociated for a while and it was an hour later all of a sudden. I can't sleep because I keep having the same nightmare, where I'm talking to this guy who calls himself "Blue", I guess you could call him the Psychiatrist of my dream world, we have long discussions about my symptoms which feel extremely real, and at the end of every dream he locks me up in a hospital, tied up for the rest of my life. Fuck all this I need to smoke a bowl and just chill out :/
I have PTSD from having been molested when I was 8. I also have depression. I originally thought the depression was a result of the PTSD but it's seeming more and more like its own separate disorder. I'm also afraid I might have borderline personality disorder... It's scary. I'm always high, scared or sad.
o.k., my turn. Terrible weekend. Ended up with a concussion. The depression is crushing my soul. I come on here to get away from the shit in my head. I get up every hour or so to check the doors and windows. Haven't slept in days. Not eating. I'm starting to wonder if any of this is worth the pain. I just can't seem to get things right anymore. Everything I touch falls apart. I know I have to go back on the pharmaceuticals but I dread it with every fiber of my being. Cannabis isn't doing the job anymore. But the side effects from the drugs are terrible. I hate it. PTSD is kicking my ass. Panic attacks every day. It's a struggle just to walk out the front door. I just want to stay in my room where it's safe. I haven't been this messed up in a long time.
Maybe it's the time of year, or the weather (16 degrees here) but I'm having a major meltdown right now too...been bad a few days but I've just been crying non-stop today. So many people I know are losing it the past few days. I don't want to use pharmaceuticals either but this is the lowest I've been in a long, long time. Because of my situation I can't always use MJ when I need to, it's illegal in our state and there are people in my home who don't think it's OK. I hope you feel better, I hope I do too.
I haven't been dedicating as much time to mental wellbeing as I should because I worry that acknowledging my problems too much will allow them to define me. This is why I crash and burn every couple of years, then have trouble rebuilding my life. This needs to stop.
I wish I could get my hands on Scott's friend. I would bust a couple teeth out of his fucking mouth. You're such an amazing and compassionate person. It sucks that you are experiencing so much pain but please don't give up. I had something somewhat similar happen to me and I didn't feel totally safe in my home town for many, means years until the guy died so I understand. Do what you have to do now and keep truckin : ) post here if you have to. Just make sure you don't let that fucker take too much of your peace of mind away. He doesn't deserve a second of it but you totally, completely, 100% do!
I've been oddly okay lately. Things are just as, if not more stressful than ever and I'm not in danger of buckling under the pressure this time. No mood swings, elevated or dark. I feel like I'm on an anti-depressant again but without the side effects, just the numbness and clear calculating... Maybe it was just this most recent shift in perception? I have alot of those. idk. But things are going the right way and I seem to be able to hang onto my head for the ride this time. I found a respite from the demons lurking in my skull and I have faith all of you can too. Remember to take care of yourself first friends.
Well, Scott is pretty much out of the picture now. I didn't want to share this on the board. But the reason I got a concussion on Saturday is because Scott showed up at the house and beat the shit out of me. My oldest nephew was helping me winterize and he pulled Scott off me. He knocked me silly on the first punch and then started hitting me and kicking me. I'm covered in bruises. I have a HUGE black eye. Scott was arrested and there's is talk of deportation. Scott found out I went on a date Friday night and apparently it didn't sit well with him. I told his friend that I would file a police report for harassment if he didn't stop calling me and driving by the house. So far, so good. It's just been a mess. Someone please stop the world. I want to get off.
You can get off anytime you want, if you have the guts to do it. I've heard so many stories of people about to give up on life, either due to social pressures or mental issues such as anxiety and depression, but they discovered that humans are not limited to one life. Humans have the capacity to live many lives, but many choose to hold onto the one they are already familiar with, even if it's fucking them up. A perfect example is someone who quits his/her job, sells everything they own and hits the road with no particular destination in mind, just to kind of wander around. Jamie Hyneman from Mythbusters lived like this during his younger years, taking random jobs here and there and gaining a lot of life experience. A lot of people can't or won't do this because of the fear of the unknown, fear of not seeing your friends/family, fear of wondering how to pay for all the travel expenses, fear of failing. I definitely don't have the guts to do this right now, but someday I hope to wander around purposelessly and just soak in the experiences of other people's lives rather than wasting time sulking over my own life.
i dont know if im getting better or worse anymore. its like one step forward two steps back. a lot of stuff i had blocked from my childhood is surfacing and its just... a lot. more than i ever thought. Sent from my GT-I9082L using Grasscity Forum mobile app
like right now my breathing pattern is abnormal and im having hot flashes. just go away fucking shit let me be normal im gonna have an episode i know it. god damnit Sent from my GT-I9082L using Grasscity Forum mobile app
hi everyone =D just saying you guys are all awesome and i hope you feel better soon =] I am diagnosed with an eating disorder, ED:NOS, major depressive disorder, bipolar 2 and borderline personality, although as i get older i feel i might be growing out of the borderline. my biggest struggle now is my eating disorder (Thanks heavens for weed, haha) but struggle to eat and am at a weight i havent seen since 6th grade haha. its pretty crazy. Hugs to you all!
I'm finding myself becoming numb again and that scares me. I can turn off tears on command, same goes for anger. Had another weird seizure cluster yesterday, ended up in the hospital again. I'm so sick of this, I'm done, I'm so over it. Over losing chunks of time, memories and abilities I used to have, over being smothered by my wife and in-laws, treated like an invalid child, tired of being stuck in the house after I do seize until it's deemed safe I can go out again by my wife, I'm tired of being told "you don't watch your seizures, so you have no idea how terrifying they are" "I'm the one who has to see you like that over and over again, you don't get how much that affects me" "What if this is the big one that you don't come out of, or you hit your head badly or the one where you finally forget me, our life and our love" Now I sound like a selfish asshole mad because my wife takes care of me, gets worried about my epilepsy and tries to do the best she can to protect me and I'm sitting here bitching about it. I love that I have a good support system, my wife has been there for me every time I seize amongst other things and I am beyond appreciative. I just wish she wasn't so overbearing with it, there's only so much she can do, if I seize I seize, it's kind of my fucking reality, it sucks but I suck it up and deal with it. I feel that it's selfish for me to even begin to express how I feel on the subject, the last thing I need to be is a more of a burden with my infantile emotional blips on my radar, too bad I don't forget that, too bad I don't forget the pain of knowing I have something that will more than likely kill me sooner than I'd like to depart from this earth. I don't know where I'm really headed with this. My grandfather told me something like "you know kid, I've learned a lot in my life, I can do many things: I'm a father, a grandfather, I can fire a gun very accurately, I can drive fairly well, I can even braid hair in many different ways but I never learned how to handle this, I never thought I'd have to" I was six when he told me that, he died about 8 months later, I was the one that called the police, the paramedics, and the coroners just like I had been told how to do, I did that just fine, I watched my grandfather die before my eyes at 7, dealt with the questions, helped them move him into the body bag, grabbed his file in his sock drawer and jumped into a police car to be taken to the hospital to meet up with my grandmother to end up catching her in a rare moment of weakness where she actually wanted to hug me, I held her and she cried for hours, but I can't come to terms with my epilepsy at nearly 29. Saddest part is that I don't even have nearly as many seizures as others do and I bitch a tenfold more. Mostly about how I feel smothered sheltered by a support system a lot of e sufferers wish they had. Maybe I'll forget I'm an asshole next time I seize huh?w