Mental Illness Support/awareness Thread

Eh, they're close-minded about transgenders, too. I can't be myself in this state. It's so uncomfortable, but I have to act like a normal person to get by without being shot.

 

I've been off of all medications for my anxiety/depression for 3 years this month.
 
The last few days have been insanely difficult.
My anxiety has been severe, and I am not sure exactly why...
Probably the weather, the lack of sunlight...
I can handle it one day at a time, sprinkled amongst good days, but when the bad days string together, it really starts to wear on me.
I can't stay awake at night and I can't stay asleep in the morning. I wake up feeling like there's an elephant on my chest. Almost in a panic. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to reach out to, someone to ground me, to keep me present in my physical reality instead of the insane landscape that is my mind.

 

This is my first winter in 6 years without my meds.
 
I feel myself getting down, been thinking about hurting myself, although I haven't yet. I get into anxious, spiralling thought patterns of worst-case scenarios. I feel on the edge of tears.
 
I really don't want to go back on the zombie pills D:

 

 
I really don't want to go back to the zombie pills, either, but I always have to keep it in the back of my mind that sometimes zombie is (only slightly) better from how shitty I can feel... but if it gets me through the day... just a means to an end.
IDK--- I would rather not be on long term medication and be on medication that I can take when I have symptoms but those are the addicting ones and the ones that doctors don't like to prescribe so...
Meh.
Our medical system is so fucked. My insurance sucks. I'd be interested in exploring a more holistic approach to mental health if I had the resources for it.
Until then, I am trying (for the millionth time) to learn to meditate, to clear my head and all the negative energy that accumulates.

 

I don't think they have symptomatic meds for my condition. Zombie is definitely better than suicidal, but in retrospect I realised that it reduces the happy and empathetic emotions too. I keep it in the back of my mind, I still have a script I could fill if I really wanted.
 
The other issue is that they keep me from doing other drugs that can really shift my focus and examine my situation in a different way.
 
Yeah... My plan wouldn't cover natural treatments. I might go back to therapy sooner rather than later, unfortunately my school doesn't have any therapists that could help with my gender issues, which is most likely a factor.
 
One day at a time, I guess. :/

 

PS Winter sucks...
 
And it's not even winter yet

 

I've been off prescription meds about 2 years now.  At times I get tempted to start up again because I hate the roller coaster ride that is my emotions and mental health sometimes, and when I was on prozac type meds, a lot of that evened out.  
 
Downside as someone else mentioned, is that the highs of life, happiness, laughter, elation, just aren't there anymore.  Don't even get me started on sex.  
 
Bottom line for me, weed saved my life more than once.  And those times I got so down I even contemplated leaving this world,...I never would have gotten that low if I'd listened to my body and took a few hits when I could feel myself headed in a downward spriral.  If I didn't have to be so stealth about it, I'd probably have it figured out, regulated, and I'd have some routine established that would keep the lows from getting THAT low.  But such is life in a non-legal state.  

 

Dude that story is a lot like my story. Same line of thinking. The voices are quick to criticize and take the form of people I know. All kinds of weird negative interactions. It sure does suck lol. It's like there really is someone somewhere fucking with people's heads in this way, I dunno though. I've decided to just go with false on that one to make it easier on myself lol. It's truly a stressful idea to cope with. I'm doing much better for myself by finally deciding to dismiss thinking about that possibility.

 

 
I feel that choice allot...... its but a pill away.
Glad to hear your doing much better. 

 

I have been listening to a lot of Stevie Ray Vaughan lately (this is relevant). His music is full of emotion and I see some of myself in him. He had a quote when he was talking about the height of his alcoholism and addiction.
 
"It got to the point where if I'd try to say "Hi" to somebody, I would just fall apart crying. It was like solid doom."
 
I know that feeling all too well and it has been creeping up on me lately, as well as the feeling with looking people in the eye. I assume it's due to my lack of self confidence, but I find it very uncomfortable to look people in the eye. I also feel that impending doom right now. I have been slacking like crazy at school. I am doing ok, but not putting any effort in and feel shitty for it. I have two tests tomorrow. Also the feeling of knowing I'm going home for Thanksgiving to see my family. It's going to be bittersweet. I am not looking forward to all the questions about what I have been doing with my time, if I have a girlfriend, etc. Questions like that irritate me, because I feel like I have to lie. What am I supposed to say? I've been smoking weed, drinking, and hanging out with my roommates? It sounds like a waste of time, but to me, I haven't had any close friends for the last couple of years that I hung out with.I spent most of my time alone in my room, at school/work, or watching tv with my parents. So this is very therapeutic for me.
 
Those kind of questions also make me feel like there is a certain type of way I need to be living my life which I don't want to have to give in to. It is too easy to drink every night, eat excessively, not exercise, and just sit in my room every day. I am also feeling conflicted because I know I am at the point where I feel like just crying. I know it isn't good to bottle up emotions, but I rarely cry and want to have a good one. The problem is I now have 5 roommates, so even in the middle of the night I don't have a place to cry comfortably.
 
I am going to quit drinking again. I have already gotten back into getting shitfaced every night, which is scary. My weed smoking has also returned to how it was a couple of years ago before I stopped smoking regularly. I am vaping 5-10 times a day, which is too damn much.
 
It's so frustrating, because when I was in this situation at my community college there was like 6 free counseling sessions you got with a psychologist. Just to talk, vent, come up with solutions to problems, and decide if you needed extended therapy. At my new school, they don't offer any counseling services for transfer students. What kind of fucking policy is that?
 
I feel like I'm heading toward that low point in life, so I'm about to enact a shotgun approach to help me start feeling better.
 
I'm going to get back into meditating, even if it is only doing mindfulness meditation while I am in the shower. Also exercising, trying to eat healthier (making a big vegetable stew today), chanting while I walk to classes, listening to positive affirmations while I sleep, showering and brushing my teeth twice every day, and stretching in the morning and at night.
 
I just can't believe I have been here for almost 3 months and haven't started losing weight yet. It's really depressing because I had so many aspirations to get healthy and reinvent myself when I got here. It's not too late, but I am going to start today. The good news is I haven't put any weight on (I have actually lost a couple of pounds, but that's not much considering how fat I am), because there is so much walking. I have literally driven three times since I got here.
 
I am going to start keeping a checklist of things to do every day as well, so that I feel irresponsible/bad if I don't do it and have to look at it. Hopefully that will help, I have never tried it.
 
Thank you for anyone who read this, I just felt like I needed to vent and put this down so it seems more concrete. I'm off to go stretch and start studying all day for 2 tests tomorrow.

 

Thoughts of self-harm have been creeping up in my mind. I find myself wanting to take comfort in the blade, despite going without for so long...
 
I'm going to counselling services this week to see about getting help. Hopefully I can hold out until then.

 

 
Sounds like a solid plan. We're cheering for you and would love to hear any victories you have along the way. Try to document small triumphs to refer to when you're feeling discouraged.
 
My family was never satisfied with what I did with my free time either. You've decided to improve your life before any of it spirals out of control, and will be putting some free time into doing that. It's not like you're punching kittens. Don't be ashamed of how you enjoy your free time.

 

I'm really aggressive lately, some shit's been going down, to much to get into and some I cannot say, a lot of shit, a lot of ways.

I don't like inefficiency in any form and the things that happening lately are so inefficient that it's driving me crazy, I want to just shred people close to me with words, try to get them to see the how stupid most of things are. Just another day as SuperAnni

 

Thanks bro, I appreciate the kind words. I will gladly document it along the way, and check in with this thread more. Almost as another form of motivation to stick to my plan. I'm not ashamed at how I spend my free time. I think it's just know the fact that I spend so much of it not being productive when I have so much to work on. Also, because I was so isolated before my parents really wanted me to join several clubs. I haven't even been to any though, and I'm scared to tell them that. I really don't feel like I need clubs though because there is a feeling of community in my on campus apartments. Everyone is really friendly and it's pretty easy to meet people to talk to. It's just whether or not I put the effort out there though.
 
I am going to try to start going to a support club they have though, just haven't made it to one yet because of studying/homework. Also I am going to join the golf club after I pick up my clubs from home at Thanksgiving. I got really into golf this summer, but was drinking every time I went. This time though, without drinking, I will burn lots of calories just walking and playing. Plus it's almost like a meditative sport. You can go out and play by yourself and get some quiet time for a few hours.
 
I guess I'm just saying I do have excuses for not joining the clubs, and I am pretty close with 4 of my 5 roommates. We hang out a decent amount. It's not 24/7 or anything, but we do watch tv/movies, hang around and talk, go to the bars, shop, etc. I don't know. I feel like overall, not much has changed since I've left home except for the fact that I have a few close friends, and some acquaintances I talk to in classes. But that's what scares me, and what is motivating me to make a change today.
 
I stretched for about 10-15 minutes earlier and felt great while doing and and soon after. I'm going to try to get in the habit of doing  that 2-4 times a day, just to help my body feel better. Maybe try getting into yoga by watching videos. Not sure yet. I know it would make my dad and brother proud because they are both really into yoga and being healthy. But I also want to try it because it is a form of meditation.
 
Sorry for the long response, just venting.

 

 
Have you been finding time to game lately? Finding something low-stress that can keep your focus elsewhere should help. Draw from anything and everything that helped you overcome self harm the last time. You'll be able to contain this

 

 
Go to church or something mate.....