Im So Happy

Take one day at a time...do something for your body everyday...that you CAN control. It'll also make you feel real good to get healthy. Find that therapist and don't blow it off...it'd be real easy to...but it'll be worth it. 15 yrs. is a long time to feel like that, when you might have a chance to get your life going with a few needed steps...
 
If you don't change something, it won't change. Just focus on doing ONE thing in that direction everyday...and you'll get things done.

 

Care about yourself man. Thats the most important thing. U come first worry about u and only u. Everything else we cant do anything about

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Keep looking for a therapist. They can help tremendously. Your girlfriend may not no what to say and may feel uncomfortable about that subject so that's why she changed it. Another thing that will help or might completely eliminate what your going through is meditation. Almost everyone I know who practices it, has talked about how much it's benefited them. Loss of anxiety, depression, and more.


"I'm to drunk, to taste this chicken" -Talladega nights

 

haahahah...i dunno why i feel so good whenever I see others feel the same. I guess misery loves company. I used to be someone who smoked weed to have fun, and shit, you know? Now I need it just to feel 'normal'. I dunno how old you are, but if you don't get on that shit quick, it'll only grow with you and get tougher to deal with. Atleast thats what I tell people who say they don't wanna die. Me, I wanna die, man, I literally hope everyday that the bus jumps the curb and plows into me or that I get sniped long distance by some random nut.
 
anyway, good luck an shit with whatever route you choose, but just know therapists make scrillah wether you make progress or not.

 

I've been like this since I was a kid. When I was 8 or 9, my stepmom found a doodle book. Everything in it was somewhat normal, space and animal drawings.. but on one page in the bottom corner was a guy hanging with "me" written above it. She asked me if I wanted to kill myself, I said no, just that its a thought that runs through my mind.. which that's really all it is. If you're clinically depressed, you're probably more just void of personal emotions rather than sad. If you're void, then there's a good chance you won't follow through with the suicidal thoughts cause you don't have the emotional core to push yourself to complete the task.

I'm almost 30 now and it hasn't gone away. I look at it as thinking about my death rather that just suicide.. cause I don't always think about dying by my hand. Driving down the road going 80, tire blows out and I flip 10 times and die.. somehow jot taking anyone else out with me. At work someone cones to rob the place with a gun and we fight and both end up dead. Standing in line at the bank and someone comes in with a bomb strapped to themselves, I grab him and slam both of us into a vault and it blows up. Out on a hike and a bear attacks me.. shit like that.

Thing is, no one would know I'm depressed if I didn't tell them. Everyone thinks I'm happy, cause I am. They see me as carefree and happy-go-lucky. When you're void of emotion, its like you're nothing at all, while being everything.. so you can be "happy" and its best to keep that mindset. Each lil death fantasy usually has a life fantasy too. Like I kill the guy trying to rob us and come out untouched. I think about life just as much, if not more, than I think about death. Only time it concerned me was when I was in my early 20's, had a hard time blocking those thoughts out, but I've learned not to let my thoughts control me. Your brain is always running and you're not really in control of your subconscious.. and a lot of thought processing takes place there.

I will say this though, if there was only one thought that helped me through it all, it'd be that when I am no longer void.. if ever, I'll be like a phoenix rising from the ashes.. and the bigger the pile of ashes, the greater the phoenix.

Mobile mumbling..

 

Way I see it, when a person is disconnected from their personal feelings, often all they can feel are environmental emotions. I'm not void of all emotions, just empty in terms of personal emotions. When I feel the environmental emotions, there isn't much of a filter.. You feel it and without feeling your personal emotions at the same time, you're going to really feel it. I'd wager that when you're alone, you feel empty.. and often people assume that its sadness. If that's the case, and you get empty when you're alone, if you're not crying or feeling like you will, you're probably not actually sad.

With feeding off of environmental emotions, some biological failsafes kick in. Social mimicry is one of them, where your subconscious picks up on the emotions of the other person through facial recognition and such, then reflects it back to them. Makes people feel at ease when the other person is like them.. but drives your brain crazy around large groups of people. It's trying to pay attention to them all, and usually ends up just shutting down in a sense. Do you shut down in large groups of people?

Like I said, the hardest time I had with it was in my early 20's.. but it really wasn't even that rough, but it was hard to tune the thoughts out. Your brain is finalizing maturity in your early 20's and typically matures by age 25. If you're not 25, just wait it out some more, do what you can to bypass the thoughts. Even when I'm in a "happy" stage in life, experiencing it as one should, the thoughts are always there. Growing up around mental illness, I know that your brain plays tricks on your and you're not really in control of a lot of subconscious activity. So I always looked at my depression as my brain fucking with me and did my best to just tune it out. And yeah, I'm never sad with my daydreams of death.. its almost like a release, but as far as we know you only get one shot at this. So experience it, soak it in, appreciate it all.. even the shitty parts. The more you live, the sweeter death will be.. I highly doubt you feel impatient over death, but that it is a calming, silencing event., which it is.

Just for shits n giggles, look up what it means to be a sociopath. Ignore all the negative comments people say about them cause those are just people who've be wronged by an individual and taking it out on the group. If you think you're able to fit in almost everywhere, but not belong anywhere.. if you can get along with just about anyone, and feel them when you're around them, but not when you're not around them.. if you avoid violence cause you know that once that flood gate opens, you're not going to care to hold back cause you'll probably end up maiming someone.. you might have some sociopathy in you. It's a spectrum concept like pretty much every other aspect of your personality, a gift and a curse.

Mobile mumbling..

 

What causes imbalance?

Modern day psychiatry focuses on balances with chemicals as opposed to finding the problem.

Like continuously adding Ph down to your fish tank instead of creating a natural enviroment

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I believe is human life events . The more moments of happiness u have the . Happier u will be. If life is full of regrets and lost u will be down more. From personal experience I gave people the power to run my life. Now im older and marijuana helps me to break from that cycle of anger or depression. And really focus more on me and yea. I cant control my thoughts sometimes. But I know that the only way to control those thoughts is to confront the people or things that have made my mental twisted. Plus my own nightmares. Courage is a big part of it. Once u face your fears those thoughts disappear. My personal opinion

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You could become an hero!

 

try taking a 20 minute nap. 

 

You can be strapped down to a bed for days for saying that. A lot of psychs will question you.  Be careful. Call the suicide prevention hotline. If you are trolling, then fuck, thats even worse than me. Not even I would troll about such a thing. It's a life or death situation.

 

 

OP need to go to counseling and see a doctor.

 

 
Yo man........ chill.
 
I don't know what stuff you have been through, but I have been through some shit that's pretty deep. I think most people have. We have all suffered at the hands of life sometimes and it's not that abnormal to get depressed as fuck sometimes, so don't worry about it, it's normal and happens to the best of us.
 
We folk are here to talk anytime man, you're not alone in the world, if you need a pal for a chat, talk to me anytime, no problem at all 
 
Myself, I struggled with bad anxiety for a long time, I'm even a bit anxious now as I write this. I went through over a year of feeling constant anxiety and thinking I was going to die at any second.
 
Thinking I would die and leave the world behind and lose all the things I love made me deeply hurt.
 
Every minute I was distracted by menacing thoughts. I couldn't socialise properly, I couldn't do the things I loved and enjoyed, everything was filled with pain and fear, I had thoughts of leaving behind my family, friends, aspirations and especially my mother who loves me more than life itself. I could picture her crying til her eyes where raw at my funeral but you know what, I didn't let that mother fucking bullshit take me away from my right to love and feel happy, to progress myself and help others, to live life and be what I was meant to be. I said FUCK YOU problems, I'm gonna keep going and fighting on until I fucking drop because lives pretty fucking awesome when you think about it and I am not gonna live my life on my knee's, I'm gonna stand up on my feet and live life balls to the fucking wall because you only get one life and it's precious and short.
 
The sunlight in the morning, the moon at night, the taste of food in our mouths, the smile in the mirror, the fresh breeze in our hair, every single moment is precious and worth more than anything in the world. Don't waste it. Things can change for you trust me. I have been in deep dark holes feeling so alone, so isolated and my mind in bits, but I managed to summon my inner strength and fight for the freedom of my own soul. You can do it too, anyone can. All you got to do is pick yourself up and empathise with your issues. 
 
Yes shit got out of control and things have happened, but you don't have to let those negative things create more negativity. Be a trooper, stand tall and use that bad energy to drive change, one step at a time. Give it a bit of time and you will start to see progress.
 
Try meditation, even if you think it's bullshit or difficult, fuck it, just give it a shot. It changed my life by giving my mind a break from anxiety and it can clean your mind out, so that should be helpful.
 
Next thing is look up cognitive behavioural therapy. Basically a psychological therapy that can help you to fix issues and feel better.
 
Then do some exercise. Work that negativity right out of you and drive away the stress. Life some weights, go for a run, whatever. ( I like yoga and tai chi, its fun to learn and makes me feel good )
 
Listen to your favourite music, chill, smoke some weed and feel the positive vibes. 
 
And before you try any of that stuff, watch this video, I hope it can provide some inspiration for you:
 
http://youtu.be/qX9FSZJu448