Hi, I've been with my gf for a year and a half now. She's had some temper issues from the start but we worked on it. One of the reasons I love her is that she's so self-criticizing, self-aware, and whenever she's wrong she would most definitely apologize. In the beginning of the relationship there were many times where she would get upset over something but without proportions. I'd comment on her behavior, and after a while, no more than a day, she'd realize she was wrong and apologize. Since then she's learned a lot and become more in control of her feelings, but still I sometimes feel helpless against some of her reactions. For instance: I met her in this evening (at her parents' house). We talked for less than an hour, had dinner, and went back to her room. We had good sex, but we stopped before she got to come because she was continuously feeling an itch down there and I didn't want to make it any worse by continuing. (usually, we both come) She then became bummed out that we had to stop so she turned her back and started to fall asleep. I cuddled her but she was just sleepy. After a while I suggested that I better go because it looks like it's time for her to go to sleep. She then became more upset. She claimed that she had expectations for this evening, for doing something fun (which we did, we spent 3 hours together) that would refill her energies from her stressful week. I then said no problem, we could do something or go somewhere. She dismissed me saying she's tired and doesn't wanna go out, and just talking about it makes her less likely to wanna do anything. At this point I don't see any point of staying, and before I said anything she said "You don't have to stay. I won't die here without you.". Seems legit, but it wasn't said softly. She said it in such a manner that made me feel guilty to just leave her like that. Because she hated it, that our evening didn't match her expectations. It then snowballed to her getting worried that we're getting bored of each other (usually we spend HOURS together, a few times a week, always doing something). I tell her it's normal for couples to sometimes have nothing to do and perhaps we should just call it a night and continue next time. To sum up: I tried everything. I don't suggest solutions anymore because usually she doesn't appreciate it. So I listen and empathize, comfort, cuddle her. Tell her I love her. It doesn't do any good. (although in other occasions in the past it may have helped) It ended with her saying "Well this isn't getting any better, you should go to your business, you probably have something better to do." Writing this I realize that may sound very considering but it sounded very accusing. I told her that, and she said she's not mad at me and doesn't blame me for anything. This kind of event happens once in a while and leaves me with a bad feeling that my girlfriend puts things out of proportions. I realize she's disappointed, and that is legitimate. But I'd expect her to be bummed about it for 10 mins and say "I'm really bummed out, I wanted to have more time with you. But I better get to sleep. When would you like us to meet next time? Great, I love you, good night." It's really hard for me that she just gets stuck on bad feelings and can't move on. Am I exaggerating? Any tips or advice on how to handle this?
I would probably just tell her okay well obviously nothing will help by this point (when she acts like she did), and tell her to talk to me when she is done acting like that. But I am going for the night. She should straighten up but who knows with women these days, shits funky between men and women these days. No dating, no trust, and no loyalty I really feel bad for those under 30, and I really hope I never end up out there again because the scene is so fucked these days.
Honestly, I've acted like this, best thing you can do is Shut The Fuck Up and just do what she says unless it involves bisecting your penis, unless you're looking for that mod. But yeah, there are other females who are more relaxed and less sensitive. Talk to her aboot it. Women are crazy, and men crazier for putting up with 'em. Hah.
it would be funny if the only actual problem was you stopping after she complains of the itch, and simply continuing and making her gush is all you need to do haha
By "talk more to her" do you mean I should be there for her when she's upset and try to comfort her, or that I should tell her that her behavior is bothering me?
Fucking kill me. This is exactly why relationships drive me insane. Best of luck dealing with that, imagine 5-10-15 years down the road.
Is there any way she could be doing this to get your attention? You mentioned previous times you comforted her, cuddled, etc. Maybe it encourages her to behave this way? And she's probably self-aware enough to realize it but doesn't really want to stop. Maybe calling her out on it? It does seem quite immature of her. There are girls who will start fights with their partners because it seems to add a little excitement to the relationship... so weird.
Real honest people do not throw temper tantrums. if she does this its a red fuking flag and you should bail the fuck out. I lived with a girl for almost 4 years who would have these "anxiety attacks". she would throw her self into walls take off wheels scretching. yell scream punch kick everything you can think of. she said it was anxiety attacks so I did everything I could to help. well what would help one day wouldn't help the next. it was a constant game of trial and error. one day she would praise me the next she would do nothing but criticize me. I figured out she was a narcissist and she was doing all this for attention and control. she abused me for nothing more than her own self assurance and amusement. she wanted me to be a slave to her basicly. she wanted a punching bag or a mirror to reflect what she wanted when she wanted. As you can imagine I dumped this stupid bitch to the curb while laughing at her. never before have I been so betrayed by someone to this level. I should mention the whole time she would sit and talk about how in love she was with me how she wanted my children and so on. stupid ass whore! now I need to get my dick checked because it burns when I piss and itch's so im sure she fucking cheated on me a few times.
all I should say is this..... can you imagine having children with this person? because I can guarantee she will not change.
Okay everyone is missing the real point which was she had an itch down there. A bad one that wouldn't go away.
dont call her for 2 days. then just call her in the afternoon(around 2:30) of day three. just call her and ask, "What are you doing?" do this exactly and she will calm her shit. unless she's on her period in which case you dont call her for 4-7 days. period. just remembered that the period is the human equivalent of going into "heat." increased agression. uncontrollable bleeding.
If you really love her, stay and talk to her about it. Ask her nicely what she would prefer from you and explain how her tone/words make you feel. She sounds reasonable enough to realise if she's doing any wrong. Whatever you do please don't dwell on it in your own and bottle it up because you will eventually explode even if it's over a minor matter and she won't know the cause and I guarantee she'll be more hurt then than if she would be if you approached her about it.
People can change if they're mature enough. If he gave her the chance and was completely logical and she fucks up then that's her problem. But if he approached her with hostility or hurtful actions, obviously it won't go down well.
Wow, thanks everyone for all the replies. Yes, even the "dump the bitch" reply. Before I continue, I must correct one part that I've mentioned earlier: She does appreciate it when I offer solutions, but it rarely does any good. It's not that she doesn't appreciate it. (usually she wants the comfort and empathy, the tips can come later when she relaxes. I recommend reading John Grey's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" despite it being somewhat stereotypical) Anyway I eventually decided to go with the "talk to her" approach. I figured that if I can talk to her about it, I get 2 things: 1. I'll reassure my confidence in the relationship by seeing that I can calmly discuss such issues with my partner. 2. I can actually analyze it with her, see how we avoid getting uncomfortable in the future. I had decided not to bring it up right away after the incident, so the next day we met for a fun activity - sports. For a while she's been trying to get into it but didn't have the motivation, so I suggested we do it together since I'm doing it anyway. It was great. The day after we met for a home movie. Before the movie I sat her down and told her that I'd like to briefly consult with her on something. Then I brought it up, without accusing, without hard feelings. Just laying out my experience and expressed my worry of future incidents. She listened, was calm about it. She was a bit confused as was I. While it's obvious we both want the best for our relationship, the solution wasn't clear. She suggested that I simply comfort and be there for her when she's down. I reminded her that's exactly what I did but it didn't seem to help, thus why I felt frustrated, and how I'd react if it was me and not her. We realize we're not the same person bla bla bla... Eventually she got to the bottom of it, saying her mood "snow-balled" as she became more worried of how I would react to her being upset. To be fair, these worries of her may be legitimate as earlier in the relationship I'd be less understanding towards her moods and get upset myself. I told her I'm sorry she felt that way and that she shouldn't worry about those things. If at all, I should. It's my problem that I didn't react well in the past, and if it happens again in the present, we'll deal with it. But her worrying about it drags us to these uncomfortable incidents. She understood she had to "let go" a bit, and let me do some of the worrying. It was a good talk. In fact, she had implemented our conclusions that same night when she fell asleep during the movie. I asked her if she wanted me to keep her up so she watches it or let her sleep. She usually doesn't want to sleep, as I've mentioned, but this time she decided to just sleep while I continue to watch. She totally didn't make a big deal out of it and we were both proud of her. So thank you btsmpwidm and sourflower, and also the rest of the responders. I hope this incident and resolution may inspire some of you who have lost hope. I don't believe relationships are a lost cause. I do believe in people. Some may be more difficult than others. And who knows, maybe someday I'll realize my current girlfriend is just not for me. But as long as I can work on it with her and see progress, I'm in. I appreciate the warnings of thinking 5-10 years forward, or seriously think if this girl could be the mother of my child. My answer is simple - I'm still checking, and for now she seems pretty ok. Isn't that what dating is about? Or as Louis CK calls it - "trying". Soon I'm guessing we'll be moving in together to "try and see" if we can handle it, before we even think about getting married. While I imagine it won't go smoothly, at least I know I got a partner whom I can work with.
Break up with her and go get a gf that will kiss your entire ass 24/7/365. Find a gf where you become god in her eyes and you cannot do wrong. Good luck.
Glad it helped! And glad it all worked out. The main issue in relationships really is miscommunication or someone feeling like they can't share their thoughts/feelings, so the way you both handled it was extremely mature and you guys should be proud
He's approached her with nothing but love and consideration thus far and it's already not going well, so obviously there's some flawed sense of "logic" here. People can change, but only if they want to change or see some personal gain in doing so. Has nothing to do with "maturity", because even those that are "mature", do shit like this all the time. People look at maturity from the perspective of adhering to a certain level of integrity and responsibility, and emotions are one area where people feel that they can really flex the fact that they are flawed and even capitalize off of it. Due to the self-serving nature of the human condition, you can and will likely justify anything and everything, when it comes to certain things or people. For example, someone who is passive-aggressive may justify their unnecessary bullshit as a means to an end- a "hint bomb" that their significant other needs to do something to appease them. To them this is the best method in which they can convey their message and anyone who doesn't get it, is immediately disappointing. This is what we call a Type 1 Twat Waffle. Someone who is of an old enough age and understanding, who is in a relationship, but condones themselves, "justifiably", as a child. Good for the OP if this worked out for now, but I wouldn't count on this not being a repeat performance. You want to know what "snowballing" is? "Snowballing" is when two girls voluntarily swap cum with one another after a pop shot. What she did is called "repression" and it's a flaw that doesn't get swept away with a few conversations about the most prevalent issue in the relationship at the moment. It's a conscious choice to do the worst thing possible and sweep things under the rug, instead of being open about it. Not trying to be a downer, but I'm going to go ahead and say that I won't be surprised if this isn't the last thread I see you make on this topic.