Not really any point to this thread, maybe if someone else feels like me? I'm ready to die, It's not even because I feel bad. I just don't feel like being alive anymore. I regret getting my aneurysm fixed. That would have been instant death randomly while I wasn't paying attention, like getting hit in the forehead with a stray bullet. I have everything in my life going the way it's supposed to, actually a lot better than anyone projected I just don't feel like living. It's boring, it's stupid, it consists of nothing. Emotions and memories and survival is all that life consists of and all of it is fucking stupid. I just don't give a fuck. The only reason I don't drop myself now is for my kids, although I'm not sure why they would care. If they did care they would want to remove me from this shit infested hell hole of bullshit themselves. But, I think I will eventually. Maybe when they turn 18. I knew a guy who had a Dad that did that. He must have suffered for a long time, 18 years before he could exit somewhere that he didn't want to be. I lack trust, empathy, sympathy, emotions 95% of the time, I'm paranoid, and my mind is like a tornado of thoughts, planning every move, every conversation, every movement, over concentration when I don't want to concentrate I just don't want to think. The only thing I can do to get my mind to stop thinking is to think of something else, by doing that I continue thinking. Because of this most people think that I'm calm and composed and happy. But really I'm just faking. Pretty well, in my opinion. I'm a manipulative bastard and I know that I manipulate. I do it on purpose. Most people I view as only means to an end, but a few I have appreciation for. Like a tool that can help me, instead of someone that I need for "emotional connection" or "company" or whatever friends are for. I don't even care. I don't care because other people seem to be just floating like bubbles and not doing anything, I'm just jumping from bubble to bubble to get to the top. My mind is in hyper speed and I only feel bad emotions. I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I have an inability to trust. I'm confused by the way that my mom was attached to her Mom, and my brothers are attached to my Mom. Yet, I feel no attachment or connection. She cared for me when I lacked the ability to feed myself, didn't allow me to stew in my own waste, for that I am grateful. But I don't feel the connection that my brothers and others seem to have. They're constantly asking me to visit, or showing up at my house. I fucking hate it when they show up at my house. My house is MY house and it's my place of solitude. If I wanted people there I would ask someone to be there. I'm like an actor, I just act. I act day in, day out. No one knows I'm acting. I can get along with anyone in person. I can make them like me and enjoy my company until they try to fuck me, which they usually do. Then I always have a back up plan that will push me forward and leave them behind. I remember a dickhead in elementary who made fun of me. For weeks I erased his name and wrote mine on his papers. Then write his name on mine and purposely did bad. His grades plummeted and mine rose. There's always ways to fuck over a fucker, you just need to come out as the best fucker. I'm not a violent or crazy person, I'm just not a normal person...Am I? There's many reasons I want to die, but the biggest reason is I'm tired of this stupid fucking game. I'm tired of life. Life is pointless, stupid, and boring. I'm constantly trying to win, I always do because my perserverance and tenacity is incredible, it's actually non stop, my head doesn't quit until I win. But what's the prize? To get more money to buy pointless bullshit? To buy a new car to drive to pointless places? Impress someone? To almostly certainly get old and slowly dwindle from existence? Sounds stupid. But my mind doesn't let me give up or stop. It just keeps going and won't slow down. I just want to stop and turn off the game forever. I don't see a silver lining because I can't feel a silver lining even if I get there. Getting bored now, so I'll end this post. You seen a glimpse of my mind. Would you want to die too? I've tried to get help, I'm on more medications than a 70 year old man. The problem is that most medications aren't meant to make you feel, just feel better. They don't work. Only the benzo's sometimes help, the cannabis helps. Comment back if you want to ask me about how my mind works. If you feel the same you can tell me how your mind works. Bye. P.S. not going to kill myself ATM. Just going to keep playing this bullshit game. So no need to recommend help. I have a psychiatrist.
I understand. I also, currently, don't exactly feel like living. But we differ in a few of our views, for instance; I think that life has the potential to be anything we want it to be/make of it. However, the downside is there will always be something blocking your way, something to make it harder and harder for you. And if you're working towards something you truly want, than hopefully the hard work is worth it! But for me, it isn't worth it. People are born into this society and are told oh they have to get a nice car and graduate school by this age and go to college to get the job... Maybe... None of that, and I mean none of it, is appealing to me at all. I don't want a car. I think having a car is buying into a belief that 'Yes, I'm aware it's harming the environment, but everyone else is doing it and I can't possibly make a difference so I guess I'll start guzzling gas too!' I would MUCH rather walk everywhere I need to be, or bike, than drive a car. I like driving cars though, and I wish there was some wide stretch of land I could drive a car on for miles and miles... But I would want to be the only one on the road, and I would want the car to not pollute, and that just isn't possible so my dream can never be a reality. The reality is, in my mind, cars are convenient so long as you physically need them. I want to live my life without the need for one. That is my opinion, and unfortunately in the society I live in, it is frustratingly hard to do jack shit without a car. I don't want a 'real' job. Or a 'fake' job for that matter. Why on earth would I want to wake up at the crack of dawn, drive to my place of establishment, and work my ass off to help generate money for someone else higher up than me? The answer SHOULD be because if I work hard enough I can get to the top of that chain, but what's the purpose? So you can work your ass off to get to the top and die there with so many people below you? No, I have had many jobs before in my life, all of which sucked. The only job I can seriously picture myself not only loving, but enjoying, would be working on a farm, growing my own food and generating money for myself. Self sustaining is my thought process. Again, this is just my opinion, but getting a job doesn't seem worth it to me. I don't want to go to college. I see all of my friends doing it, and half of them have gotten no where while both halves are submerged in debt debt debt. If I don't even want a corporate job, why do I need to go to college and pay all that money? Doesn't seem worth it to me. I don't want a cell phone. All my life I have always had shitty Nokia's or whatever, and one day my younger sister got an iPhone. Realizing how neat and possibly convenient they could be, I purchased one. I will save you the long stories and tell you that my experiences with cell phones have driven me to near suicide. I hate these fuckers. I think they are all giving us cancers and a shit ton of other bad things because we spend so much time glued to them, it makes me sick how obsessed the majority of people are. I bought mine to do three things; call, play music, and navigation. None of them have worked on the SEVERAL models of phones I have bought. Everything now is made to break or already be broken upon purchase. Fuck it all, I want a home phone that I can check once in the morning, once at night, and have my entire day FREE from the clutches of cellular devices. But, sucks to suck because you kind of need a cell phone in this society. I can go on and on, but basically I find life to be full of hardships and then you die. That seems unsatisfactory to me. I don't want to spend my life doing routine bull shit. I want to mix things up, and I frankly don't care how I end up because of it. Living where I am drives me insane. I feel like every aspect of my life is being forced upon me, and over half of it sucks and I disagree with. I want to move more than anything, because I honestly think it's just the location that I'm at that it bringing me down... I don't know man. Life is a bitch and then we die. It's about how you spend it in between though that matters. I have it ingrained in my head that all the stuff I wrote above doesn't matter to me. I just need to go out and surround myself in the things that do.
Fuck big pharma. Read up on the side effects of the meds you are taking. That could be why you want to die. Just smoke bud if thats what makes you feel good. 1 medication for several problems not several medications for 1 problem. Thats how it works. Good luck.
All my conversations in person are faked. That's what I'm saying. I don't feel any reason to talk to other people if it doesn't involve personal gain. But the gains just aren't worth it anymore I have money I have cars I have everything that people get when they're "successful" but I don't want any of it. I just want my mind to shut off. Life has become a burden, there are no good feelings only the occasional irritation and sadness (very rarely) most of the time there is no feelings. If someone sees me happy or excited or appreciative it's because that's what emotions I'm trying to show. The burden of faking my life is getting old and that makes me want to give up. I can't not fake it though because my mind won't let me. I've grown too accustomed to clever bullshit responses and charming retorts that fit with the emotion the other person is showing, I don't understand "connections" between mother and son or son and father or siblings, my whole life is something fake that I've created and it's worked fine up until now. I view life basically as a game, every thing is based on strategy, my mind just works that way. But this game is becoming a burden, it's becoming annoying, it's helped me get things that I thought I wanted. My mind likes to win constantly and I'll do just about anything to win, but I get no actual enjoyment out of the things I win.
you seem to be stuck in a nasty cycle. if you have cars and money then sell one of your cars, pack a bag and travel to tibet.. then hike around the asian continent without any purpose. nothing to do, nothing to achieve... just you and whatever else is out there. (i would do that first before moving on to another world, what would i have to lose?).
The medication doesn't help because the doctors keep trying to make me feel better when it's not that I feel bad I already said that, I just don't feel good or bad or anything. Their medications are to help balance my emotions or some shit like I have bipolar but to have bipolar I would have to have manic and depressive episodes. I don't have episodes of anything. The only ones that make me feel better at all are benzo's.
I understand sir, and am highly unqualified to help. I meant this conversation here, not the day-to-day. All I can tell you is that we are meant for life, and these feelings that you are having is a result of chemistry in your brain, as opposed to everything actually being meaningless and fake the way that you are feeling. On the one hand many people go through life with no idea what you are talking about, on the other, you are incredibly not alone. Reality for us is completely limited by our own perception. I'm not saying this to make you feel worse, but if you can look a little outside yourself you will see that the world operates on a mesh of everyone's disfunction. Your kids are counting on you to deal with it. Yea it may suck. It sucks for all of us. Life is a bunch of difficult heartache bullshit.
I understand that the world functions on dysfunction. That's how I win. Other people are concerned with things like shoes, crushes, bikes, etc. I only think about winning but I don't know what I'm trying to win. I love other peoples dysfunction because If other people aren't keeping their eye on the prize but I am then I can win very easily. Make them even less focused with trivial bullshit while I increase my focus on whatever it is that I want, then I win. But as soon as I win I'm ready to win again, I get no real gratification from the "prize" that I was after. But I agree that we were meant for life. We were meant for life like all animals. We were meant to recreate/breed to keep our species alive, then be killed by another predator to keep the food chain strong. That's the reason behind the twerking and the chains. Peacocks have shiny feathers to attract their mates, humans have shiny jewelry. Some snakes and birds "dance" to attract a mate, just as a slutty human twerks.
yeah i feel like this a lot. we have a few differences but over all the same and it sucks. have you done lots of drugs in your life? excluding the apparent load of pharmaceuticals your on
I might try this. Don't think it will help, but I have always wanted to see the Brazilian rainforest or to travel to Papau New Guinea or Borneo. I might as well. I'm thinking that once I get in to a rainforest or somewhere remote where my thoughts aren't concentrated that I will probably rapidly descend in to madness. I would probably just give up and decide to go feral and slowly succumb to a parasitic infestation or something of the sort. Either way I've wanted to see the Rainforest as far back as I can remember. Like you said, nothing to lose.
Every one of them. Literally research chemicals, your common/ordinary shit, even things from remote places like an unmentionable drink that's primary chemical is the strongest hallucinogen known to man, can't talk about it on GC though. Yes, I love drugs. All drugs. I'll try anything once and some years ago had plenty of connects and could get anything. Basically went to Erowid and just started going down the lists.
Just don't be selfish and smoke all your weed before you end it all. Just leave the standard note along side the bag of weed. I'm sure someone would appreciate that.
fuck bro i have two sides to me and you just made the dark one scream with hunger. I've done my fair share of experimentation and personally i don't think i was like this before i started it all. yeah i had a few problems in my head that were hard to get by but at the time they seemed worth trying to fight. now everything is like why the fuck does it matter and overall shit is just going down and i keep trying to push but i'm constantly pushing both ways and i feel stuck. but anyway the point of this all is just to say that the drugs are probably doing the opposite of helping, including prescriptions, BUT i'm not a doctor AND i don't know you. on a side note them research chemicals are a hell of their own.
My mind has been fucked for a long time. I agree that in the long run it didn't help. At the time most of the things I did (big fan of hallucinogens, none in perticular) made me have a greater understanding of things that I didn't understand before. Then some of them just fucked me up worse. But after all of it stopped and I wasn't hooked on anything (besides benzos, which I'm prescribed) and started just smoking weed all of that went away for the most part. Most of the long lasting shit I have has been here since I was young. I just learned to adapt and use it to my advantage.
alright, well you see in my case i think the platter of poison just opened up new doors for my mental illnesses to seep in through and in some cases barge in. not saying that i couldn't have gotten where i'm at without them but i believe they made it easier. anyway good luck with your problems