Confessions of a 40 year old virgin

I'm going to start with a tldr because seriously, this is one long post.
 
TLDR: I am a newbie, but I learned some stuff you might want to know if you have never used cannabis before.
Primary thing I learned: Bypass whatever you think you want to do for your first time and use a bong with ice instead.  Ignore all the advice contrary and smoke a nice sativa first. Take slow and small hits to start with.  Be somewhere safe and around people that know what you are doing.
 
Okay, for those of you that love a long read….
 
General overview:
I am a married man in my mid 40s with a wife, a job, and multiple teenage children.  So… to sum up so far, the confessions of a 40 year old virgin are from a guy who is no longer 40 nor a virgin.  Great, so we are all on the same page.  Up until a few weeks ago had never used marijuana (no, not even at that one party in college).  As for tobacco, I am emphatically against smoking cigarettes. I don't care if you do, but as for myself, I would never. I did give in and smoked a cigar upon the births of my children (less than 5 total).  I have been drinking alcohol since I was… much too young to post on this forum.
 
This is a general overview of the accumulated wisdom I have picked up as a first timer.  I spent about 2 months researching marijuana usage and still was vastly uneducated, misinformed and ill prepared.  I hope this information may be useful to other people evaluating information and preparing or even thinking about experimenting for their first time.
 
So why change my mind after all these years?  Well, there are a few reasons.  Joint pain, anxiety, depression, stress relief, but if I'm really 100% honest, the number one reason is that I found that my tolerance for alcohol had climbed to a level I was not comfortable with.  I wanted a secondary option to relieve stress, pain and anxiety.  Something of a “All things in moderation” approach.  A secondary reason is that my wife is on quite strong medication for CDO (It's a lot like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!), anxiety, depression, and PTSD.  We are both quite unhappy with the various side effects and I was willing to be the test monkey to see if this was an option for her as well.
 
“Seriously dude, enough about you, I thought you were going to try and teach me something.”
 
Right… of course, sorry.
 
So what did I learn?  
1) Skunk is not a euphemism.  Weed smells like a skunk's ass if you are not used to it.
2) Edibles are a bad way to start.
3) You don't “accidentally” eat a medicated edible unless you have no taste buds.
4) If you don't smoke, don't use a glass pipe right away.
5) Joints are a pain in the ass to roll and not much better than a pipe.
6) Even if you are fat and old, buy a bong with an ice catcher like you see the college kids use in the movies.
7) Buy a grinder.
8) For your first few sessions, be alone or among friends who know what you are doing.  
9) If you drink but don't smoke, try a Sativa instead of Indica.
10) Don't try and be sneaky until you are experienced.
 
My first experience with marijuana was with medicated edibles.  I do not recommend this at all as a first experience.  I had Oreo cookies smeared with infused coconut oil to be exact.  I informed the dispensary that I was very new to this and they recommended their lowest dosage edible.  A single “dose” was deemed to be 3 cookies and I was advised to eat only 1.  This is exactly what I did and the experience was less than desirable. I documented the entire experience on this forum under the title “Confessions of a first timer”.  To sum up, I got WAY TOO stoned, paranoid, and generally unhappy.  
 
Some people will say edibles are stronger and ill suited for beginners.  I disagree with the first assessment and agree with the second.  Edibles are as strong as they are made and can be made quite low dose once you know what you are doing.  The problem is, until you know what you are doing, it takes an hour to 2 hours to realize just how strong a dose you have had and takes 4 to 5 hours to wear off after it kicks in.  This is way too much of a commitment before you know how you will react and at what dose you will be happy.  This can lead to frustration if they are not strong enough and extremely unpleasant and long experiences if they are too strong.
 
My next experience was a glass “spoon” pipe.  This ended horribly.  The smoke was hot and rough on the throat and lungs.  I coughed until I puked, literally. I never got a decent draw because of the harshness of the smoke and never felt any effect for my efforts.  After this I rolled up a joint.  I went through about a dozen papers to get something I was happy enough with that I was willing to light it on fire.  Which is to say, it was still pretty sad.  None the less, ever the adventurer, I finished about half my joint.  It was only slightly better than the pipe and as it got shorter it got hotter and harsher.  I didn't puke this time, so you know, minor win.  However, I still coughed so bad and so quickly I never got a full draw and again, felt no effect.
 
I finally gave in and bought a bubbler, which as far as I can tell is just what I've always called a bong.  It's a water pipe and the one I have has an ice catcher in it.  This is a small indentation in the top tube (the thing you inhale through) that allows you to drop ice in it.  The ice will cool down the air and smoke you are breathing in.  This is, so far, the only way I have been able to smoke without coughing so bad I can't continue.  The draw was smooth and I could actually detect some of the flavor of the marijuana beyond just … well, burning.  None the less, I must still take very small hits or I will end up with coughing fits. Using the bubbler, II was also able to become as high as I desired.  If I could teach a newcomer anything it would be to skip all the stupid shit I did and start at this step.
 
As far as marijuana itself, the first time I smelled it in any quantity (beyond that guy two rows over at the concert) I realized that “skunk” was not a misused term.  I thought the smell was very strong of skunk and was very unpleasant.  As I became more accustom to it, I was able to tell large differences between strains and even enjoyed smelling various varieties.  This was not the initial reaction however.  Edibles will retain the smell of the cannabis they were made with and will also retain much of it's flavor.  Espresso infused extra dark chocolate brownies are not enough to entirely mask the flavor or smell (though they are quite nice )  Also, digestion will not entirely remove the smell.  Yes, you shit will stink of weed if you eat enough.  This was, but probably should not have been, very unexpected.
 
The first edible I had was an indica.  I did not care for it.  I felt the entire high course through my body and my limbs tingled and kind of felt “melting” into the furniture or ground.  This was a very unique and unusual experience for me and I didn't like it.  When I hit the bong, I had a nice sativa and the high was much more appealing to me.  I believe if you drink and have never smoked, a nice sativa high will be more familiar to you.  For your first few sessions, familiar is a good thing.  That's not to say it's the same as being buzzed or drunk, but the head high is closer than the body high, at least in my opinion.
 
Damn, I think that is long enough.  I am happy to answer any questions any one may have.  I was unsure if marijuana would be something I would continue to do or recommend to my wife.  So far I have decided to continue for myself and am going to try a vape.  I can't see my wife hitting a bong, so I have a hard time recommending that to her.  I ordered an Arizer Solo and it should arrive in time for the weekend.  If it works out, I will likely recommend that to her.
To summarize, use a bong, smoke some sativa, be among friends the first few times and you should have a much better start than I did.

 

Not sure what prices are in various areas but the bubbler I got was only $20. Its not fancy or even well made, but it works and isn't really much more than I paid for the spoon. I didn't want to spend a lot because I knew I would toss it after a few uses either for something better or because marijuana just wasn't my thing.

Actually my biggest concern right now is not getting caught. So next lesson to all you "18" yr olds... if you dont want to get caught just make sure to smoke at the same time your parents are trying hide their smoking from you. You should be golden. ;-)

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Wow, I'm not the only late bloomer around.  Hehe, I was beginning to feel like I was. 
Your description of the difference from alcohol is perfect.  I was trying to explain it to my wife and the best I was able to come up with is that there is "a heaviness when you drink that isn't there with marijuana."  But your description is better.  It's the lack of dull senses, being able to feel and experience everything.
 
Thanks for your story, it's nice to not be the only one