One-liners!

i lost my weed.... in a series of small fires.

 

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

 

Buttsex is a lot like broccoli. If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't like it as an adult.

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Yesterday I was stoned, I'm stoned now, I'll be stoned tomorrow.

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I may may not be a chef but I know how to pop cherries

Sent from outer space.

 

All those are terrible. Good thing he won't be making any more of those "jokes".


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bill burr? Or perhaps Louis ck...sounds familiar.

Why did Suzie fall off the bike?
She had no arms...

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Not Suzie....

 

 
 

you're clearly not high enough for this place. even still, you know nothing of his work.

 

Do you want to go and do what I'm going to tell my friends we did anyway?
I bet you £10 you're gonna turn me down.
Do you sleep on your stomach? If not, can I?
Hi, can I buy you several drinks?
Did you fart? 'Cause you just blew me away.

 

You dont need marijuana to have a good time just like you dont need a car to get to work BUT IT FUCKING HELPS

 

Did you hear the one about the cave...........nevermind...it's too deep for you.


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I was gonna make a joke about my weiner but its too long.

I was gonna make a joke about the vagina, but youll never get it.

Jew jokes are racist, Ann frankly theyre just hurtful

 

I love cheese

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Im gonna treat your pussy like Troy Polamalu treats the Ravens rush offense

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This one recently won the best short jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe Comedy Festival:
 
"I've decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust"
 
​I also quite liked: "I saw a couple of snow flakes having an argument the other day. I said to them, settle."

 

I AM GROOOOOT!

 

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
 
Credit Rodney Dangerfeild, the king of 1 liners

 

What killed the dinosaurs?


The ice age!!

 

How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?


Trick question: alcoholics never change...

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Hehe,its funny cause...I'm drrunk.