Venting...

Discussion in 'Real Life Stories' started by Annicus, Nov 30, 2012.

  1. #61 zeldar420, Jan 23, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 23, 2014
    Dear Annicus
     
    Life is constantly changing,
    No one can solve your problems,
    everyone has experienced the darkest part of themselves, and not enjoyed it.
     
    Racing thoughts, and your worst fear is what makes you not able to cope.
    Nerves become frayed and easily can cause adrenaline rushes at the whim of a hair,
    Only because your bodies natural defense is to cause adrenaline and when their is no reason it causes even more racing thoughts. In the end tomorrow will come and every moment though it may not seem it, you are recovering.
     
    Though things can impact you deeply it is how you deal with it, and your perspective.
     
    Their are times in life where you know you cant handle something, but you do it anyways because
    of your loved ones, and though it affects you deeper then they will ever know, you be all you can be.
     
    Who is to say that the man who came in that day ever will live a great life as you have,
     
    Jealousy can cause you to go to places you never knew existed.
     
    Being so sensitive to emotion you can help others not go through what you did.
    As i have.
     
    Being gay and having a wife is odd ,but your not the first.
     
    As for the man who ruined your since of well being, may you ask yourself
     
    Why would i let this man who i have never met , and who has never met me
     
    Affect my life, he has clearly nothing left in his life, and he never knew what he was meant for.
     
    That being said let the weight fall off your shoulders.
     
    Though it may seem hard to control your thoughts, it will get easier. i can tell you truthfully 
    i never thought it would ,but it did.
     
    before i go i will leave you with a glimmer of hope from great minds.
     
    Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by things you didn't do than by the ones
    you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the tradewinds in your sails.
    Explore, Dream, Discover.
    -Mark Twain
     
    Life is 10 % what happens to me, 90% of how i react to it.
     
    Charles Swindoll
     
    The most common way people give up their power, is by thinking they  don't have any.
     
    Alice Walker
     
    You can never cross the ocean, until you lose sight of the shore.
     
    Christopher Columbus
     
    and
     
    Believe you can and you're halfway there.
     
    - Theodore Roosevelt
     
    Challenges are what make life interesting, overcoming them is what makes life
    meaningful.
     
    Joshua. J. Marine
     
    Remember you are constantly recovering, and their is always hope.
     
    And when you reach out, all these strangers on this forum reached their hand out to you.
    Creating a bond of which no one meant for.

     
  2. Also music is one of the best healing / relaxing things on this world.
     
    A musician lives for the one, timeless moment that bring everything into perspective.
     
    a few i could recommend are Ratatat, and Billy Talent, or Cage the Elephant.
     
    Heres a old story i like:
     
    A man once asked a monk how can i be as successful as you ? The monk responded meet me at the shore tomorrow at 5 am. When the man arrived he said come with me and they walked out into the water. The monk then held the man under the water and then let him up. The monk said When you want success as much as you want to breathe you will be successful. The man then asked why couldn't you just tell it to me. The monk responded, otherwise you would never learn.
     
  3. #63 SiriusWolff, Jan 23, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 23, 2014
     
    Hey anni. You can talk to the state. PTSD is a recognized condition and they may pay for professional help. I wasn't strangled or hit with a gun but i was beaten, berated, hunted, and abused for most of my childhood and adolescense for the same reason. I was tortured. Thanks to a mental snap i now experience PTSD also. Just know that those people that wronged you were sick and sad individuals. Never let anything they think or say get to you. I know i've spent hours even days asking myself going down the checklist to see all the things they were right about. It's not worth it. They're the ones with the disease, with the beast in them that drives them to physically harm and destroy others that intimidate or confuse them. We are the strong and the brave. Just being yourself and open about who you are takes more strength than it does to kill someone. I would know. Try anyway you can to get some professional help. I know my counselor is one of my best friends and she has helped me realize i don't need to hate myself or live under others judgements. It can do wonders to have a unbiased person to talk to and just release it all. Also i take a medication Prazocin. It stops the night terrors and is non sedative. May be something to look into.
     
    If you're as beautiful irl as your personality is on here you deserve to be happy. I've gone down the same dark halls of the mind. At some point you have to let go. Give up the fight and feel and let it out. Easier said than done and i'm not all the way there but we love you and will have your back forever.
     
    I'm always here.
     
    edit: I also understand causing others pain and suffering. I raped my last relationship while recovering. Sadly i needed a ton of support and help. I was psychotic and angry. I tore at the people who loved me the most in the darkest and most intimate ways. I threatened to kill and abused drugs. It was a dark time. The only way i got over it was to realize it was a release of the pain i had felt myself and that to heal and recover i needed to experience it all the way through. I've done things that were inexcusable even with insanity as a cause. It's hard not to feel guilt or shame and blame yourself but hopefully those around you know it's a sign of inner turmoil and growth. You can make it out. It's a life long journey.
     
  4. I am looking into state help now. I also think I'm going to quit my job because it has added to my stress and self hate. They don't appreciate me and constantly put me down, I can't take it anymore, I tried to hold on in a desperate attempt to be seen as brave but all it's done is make me bitter, angry, despondent and cruel to those who love me. I need constant praise and recognition because of what I've let them do to me.

    I also had realized I've let the people who did this to me win, I'm just as angry as they are and anger in my heart will destroy me too. It's gonna be a tough road to hoe, more so now that I have epilepsy, as I have to keep my emotions in check so I won't have another seizure .

    I am slowly accepting that I am not superman and that it's ok to feel angry, sad and cheated, it doesn't make me a bad person it just makes me human. I know I can't do this alone anymore it's not healthy. I've pushed others so far and I'm lucky they are still here.

    I will probably be here venting more.





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  5. I'm not sure if u recognize me but ive seen a fair bit of your posts and I'm sorry that happened. Its awful. Youve got bigger balls than me for being able to face that head on. Mad respect and much love, you know the city is always here for you.

    P.S: I'm a 6'2 285 black guy so if u need it i gotcha back on returning the favor to those gay bashing cowards in your home town.

    All of my glass has meet a series of unfortunate events, I bought a new beaker bottom and named him Lemony Snickets
     
  6. It's 5 am, I'm crying silently on my knees praying to whoever will listen for help. I've had 5 seizures now, which terrifies me. My wife is beside herself with worry for me, it's so bad I wanna leave so she can have a good life without me.

    I've been cruel, emotionally abusive, distant, selfish, dishonest and uncaring. She deserves much more than I can give her at the moment. It's time to stop being selfish and think of her needs instead of mine. I love this girl more than I know how to begin to describe and I need to let her go without the burden that is loving me.


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  7. I realize that the fault in a lot of this is my own. My heart has been poisoned by negativity in my life. I've been unforgiving slowly killing myself , when things seem to get better, I throw everything on on the back burner and pretend it's all ok. I have a lot to learn, I'll probably never be done learning and the fact that I thought I was earlier just shows how much I was mistaken. I try to be better but the second things seem ok I stop trying, expecting everyone to give me praise and recognition while not giving any in return. I have this habit of sweeping things under the rug instead of dealing with it, then it blows up in my face then I wonder why I'm constantly in the same place yet unwilling to actually put change into my diseased heart. I need a lot of help.
     
  8. Fuck those inbreds and buy a gun

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  9. You should try to go to therapy if you can. Expressing yourself on the internet isnt the same as face to face with another person, and self-therapy is rather difficult.
     
  10. I lack the money even for sliding scale.
     
  11. I've thought about it, god help me if I ever find the culprit out.
     
  12.  
    :(  I'm sorry then.
     
    You seem to be doing better. Dont dwell on negativity and let it control you. You already admitted you have a habit of being passive and letting your emotions boil up until they explode outward. I do the same thing, and can empathize with you that it can make things worse.
     
  13. That's the part that pisses me off I was attacked yet nobody offered me help shit the police didn't even consider it a hate crime. I should of been offered victims assistance, I should of been treated as a victim instead of a criminal:
    This has completely changed my personality due to the TBI I suffered. I'm not the same person I was, my whole brain is different as is my personality, I died that day as did my relationship. It still affects me to this day and I feel like it shouldn't, I'm not a solider nor did i witness my friends being blown up.

    I kind of feel like I'm just slowly poisoning myself and nobody around me see not even my wife whom
    By the way isn't in love with me anymore. And who could blame her.


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  14. [quote name="Annicus" post="19499364" timestamp="1392073861"]Please help me....

    My whole brain functions differently now. I'm angry all the time, I'm selfish, beyond selfish actually, emotionally distant and when I do feel emotions it scares me so I get indignant. I take everything as a personal attack against me, I justify my behavior because I feel as if the world owes me something.

    Christ last night my wife, who I've pushed so far, ignored for so long, emotionally abused and treated horribly for years was ready to harm herself last night. My eyes are open wide now to what I've done to those I claim to love. I've never been so scared, I feel like she is going to harm herself when I go to work.

    I don't know what to do. I'm lost. Yet I still hold on to blind stupid faith that I can make it through this, that our marriage will be ok.

    I had no idea she was ready to harm herself, because I was lost in my own darkness, selfishly ready to rid the earth of myself not realizing that the one person I do love despite my recent actions, is done with life, I ignored that fact, and now she wants nothing from me. I don't know what to do, we are both broken, I was so selfish I didn't see how she was feeling. It took all I had to stay breathing myself, I want to say I can overcome, that we can conquer but honestly I've never been so unsure in my life.

    How do you fix someone else when you're broken as well?

    I've tried praying for her and I, but I feel stupid praying to someone that I can't see, I don't know if I believe in and frankly someone that I feel hates me because I'm homosexual. Christ, I'm starting to believe that is the reason I've had such a hard life.

    I apologize for the book I just wrote.

    I really need advice, I don't wanna me without her, I'm just angry and me talking about leaving was just me wanting to give up. I love this woman despite the fact she drives me crazy but true love is never easy ie Romeo & Juliet


    What would you do?





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