Didn't have a good night at all. Made a mistake with a bill, wife got mad at me, which adds to my feelings of worthlessness. I've been having super super bad nightmares nearly ever night. I'm not doing as we'll in my job as I have in the past so that adds to stress. Dealing with workers comp is frustrating, I was hurt at work, I deserve something, on some days it's hard for me to work with the migranes I get, I'm not in it to cash in and have a lot of money but I was wronged and nobody, not the police, the justice system, workers comp, or anyone in the state that I paid taxes to is willing to help. Something was taken from me that December morning, and I'm left to deal with the consecquinces. So as it sits now, my wife is upset with me over the bill thing and tells me she feels like my mother, because I fucked up and made a mistake, that pisses me off, I'm so close to the edge, she just made it worse, because now I don't even want to begin to tell her about how I've been feeling, so I'll keep it to myself, I can't have her be upset with me, I can't stand to have anything more taken from me.... It's a waiting game with the insurance company to get my back pay, I need a couple days off but I also need money....
Im so sorry to hear about that annicus.... Im always depressed as hell, esp the past 3 years because my childhood friend died at the age of 20 due to random heart complications... GC has helped me soooooo much, although I dont know many ppl on here, everyone is soo cool and i think its helpful to talk with ppl in this kind of enviroment with little to no judgements..... keep posting, well all be here for u whenever u need us... we love u
Sending positive vibes your way Annicus. I know it doesn't mean much, but hang in there. The city is rooting for you.
I have PTSD too. I can tell you it gets easier to manage it. You just have to learn what triggers you and either deal with it or figure out how to avoid it. Also distract, distract, distract! Bad thoughts floating around trying to make you feel like shit? Distract! Find a book, come on to gc, laugh at the douche bags and trolls. And smoke weed! Before you go to bed, get fucking blazed, take a sleeping pill, grab an MP3 player or maybe turn on the t.v. or radio. I listen to audio books as I fall asleep it helps distract my mind and get me out of my head. Cause that's not a pretty place. Also if the flash backs get bad try picturing a creek and dropping the images/thoughts on a leaf and watch them float away. Or something else like that. A broom sweeping them away, feeding them to a flame. You get the idea. Check into dialectic behavioral therapy. It's meant to help with PTSD. And also borderline personality disorder. Good luck!
I used to be in a similar situation (not gay tho) as you. I found that talking really is the best way to deal with these type of things (for me). I used to be the guy everybody liked to be around. A series of events just led me to a deep deep depression. Money was tight, and everyone was always busy so I just isolated myself. Didnt talk to my friends for weeks at a time (I used to hang out with them everyday). Slowly I started to realize that everything is gunna be alright and reading the situations people were in on gc i realized everything is gunna be alright. The more I thought that, the better I felt. I used to let golden opportunities pass just because I thought "fuck it. Its not worth it". Slowly I started to force myself to hang out with my friends and I realized that I have great friends. So I started talking about how I was feeling which was really hard cuz I really didnt want to talk about it, I just wanted it to go away but it never did. However the more I talked the better I felt, and I felt great. Anyways since you are married I would think that your wife would listen to your problems and want to make you feel better. I cant wait for the day that I find "the one". Anyways being toasted at 6:45 am with little to no sleep I hope this post was relevant. If you wanna talk or w.e pm me
Get out of that hick town. If they treat another person like they do you, their scum. You deserve better.
Not having a very good week this week. I've been agitated, hyper vigilant, super emotionally uninvolved, apathetic, and just kind of blah... Got into a fight with co workers, my boss, my wife, basically anyone who talked to me felt the wrath. I don't know how to deal with all this sometimes, I try talking but I always shut down or get angry. The nightmares I have are getting bad again and sleep when I do actually sleep isn't restful. I just found out I have to travel back to Oregon for some more workers comp shit. Which is stressing me out, I have to fly back, go to a few drs appointments, I have to miss 3 days of work and since my wife quit her job I again am the only one working, so that's gonna hurt my paycheck. I'm just stressed as hell and nobody seems to understand so I don't say anything to anyone because I cannot handle their reactions now. When I tried to talk to my wife she got upset and told me she felt like I was no longer attracted to her because I haven't been sexual lately. Sometimes I feel as if I have a dragon that lives inside me. I don't know I can't even express myself
I'm really sick to my stomach so work should be great! I just don't get this I can have good days or even weeks then it all comes crashing down. I hate this. Ptsd can suck a cock
It's not that easy to forget about it. I almost got killed for being myself. That stays with me and considering they've never caught the person that gay bashed me... This is my venting thread where I can express my feelings
Annicus I totally understand where you're coming from. My trauma's are not as severe as yours, but I do know what it feels like to be doing well then have it all seem to dissipate, to not trust anyone, be anxious, etc... I know the hell on earth you describe. I used to self medicate to deal with my demons. Three days ago I stopped doing that so I could begin to make some emotional strides in my life. Doing so put me back into my depression head on... and honestly I crave for some form of relief (drugs, death, etc) a good portion of the day. It sucks... I know though, that the only way I'm going to get through this, is with my own inner strength. I think venting and such is a great way to get things off one' s chest and make shitty times more bearable. I commend you on being confident enough to do that amongst other blades. Life is what you make of it. Keep your head up, and deal with things as they come it will get better and know your not alone. Sending positive vibes your way .
I feel pretty shitty today. Had a discussion with my wife yesterday and told her I don't feel intimate, sexual, emotional or anything, I just feel numb, she said she understands but I know my actions hurt her which in turn makes me feel worse, makes me hate myself more than I do already, makes me wish that I could stop being so weak and powerless and just get over this. So I was almost killed, I should be stronger than this. Why do I allow this to consume me soldiers have seen death, killed people, seen hell, etc and I am feeling like this because I was attacked for being gay? I can't even really express myself correctly which is lame in itself. Basically I am disgusted in myself
I basically just killed my relationship due to my inability to be intimate or emotionally close to my wife. Shit, I don't know how to deal with all the emotional pain I suffer with, my friends don't even know, I keep it to myself for I feel like I get judged by others and I don't want sympathy or people to feel sorry for me, I don't know what I want other than a hug from my wife but I've hurt her with my distance and emotional numbness, ptsd is a selfish disorder, I realize this yet I can't seem to overcome it, I am afraid to get mad or cry because I feel like the floodgates would open and it'd take a lot to get me to stop. I have pent up rage. I feel cheated, I feel wronged, I feel victimized, worthless, weak, apathetic, numb, stupid and just lost.
#1 - Excercise is great. Nothing helps me vent my frustration like a god damned punching bag #2 - IMO you should LET the floodgates open up to your wife. She's there for you Make sure you don't direct your frustration toward her, just vent to her. She won't necessarily have solutions because some things just don't have a clean solution. But I bet she can listen!
I exercise like a maniac lol. I'm so muscular right now I've been exercising a shit ton. As far talking to my wife I feel really betrayed by her so it's hard to talk to her.
A couple of months ago I found out she had an emotional affair and I am really angry, hurt and betrayed by her actions. I try to hate her but I end up loving her more. It's hard for me to tell her how I am feeling now.