Venting...

Discussion in 'Real Life Stories' started by Annicus, Nov 30, 2012.

  1. I apologize in advance, this will be kind of stream of conscienceness..,

    So many of you know, others do not.

    In December of 09' while I was working I got struck over the head with a gun, and nearly strangled with a hoodie string.
    I lived in a small hick town, I often got called derogatory names for being myself, I got threats, had things thrown at me, etc...

    I never took it seriously and in the end it ended up being bad.

    I still suffer from PTSD, nightmares, migranes, neck pain, anxiety.
    It's hard for me to trust people, I'm angrier than I used to be, darker, like a part of me died on that bathroom floor where I was attacked.

    The officers that responded didn't take my claims seriously for that I'm angry but mostly hurt that the ones who were supposed to serve and protect didn't want to....
    Because of something I had no control over.
    I've been fighting workers comp since, still yet to recieve much of anything from then.

    I've had good days, bad days and many in between days.



    I'm outta words that make sense to me now..,

    I'll talk more later
     
  2. We need more decent cops.
     
  3. It's funny to me...

    When it comes to stupid shit I can babble on for hours but when it comes to talking about how I feel about this, it's like I shut down....

    I hardly cry and don't remember the last time I cried about this.

    Sometimes it's like I am just void....
     
  4. You are trying to cope by becoming numb, which isn't working for you.

    I think this is something you should absolutely speak up about. Let go of that anger and pain and confusion.

    It might just help with some of the trauma you continue to endure.


    I can't say it enough. You're a fucking wonderful person, a strong person.... hell I'd love to meet you above anyone else on this site (except tinman, he's right there with you).

    I hate knowing you're in such a bad place and there is nothing I can do. If I could I would take all that pain and inflict it on those involved who deserve it.


    You rock, Anni.
     
  5. Have you ever considered keeping a journal? It sounds weird, but can be very beneficial.

    You can have pretend interviews with the attacker, the cops who responded, and the employees from workmans' comp you've talked to; you can just write letters to them; you can play games where you try making lists of words that seem important to the situations you experienced - not sentences or anything structured, just thinking about it and writing down the first word you think of, even repeats.

    It helps for dumping some stress, and relating to the people who have negatively impacted you. You may not want to, but new perspectives do wonders for mental health recovery.

    Sorry about everything you've gone through :( I hope you manage to do what it is you're trying to do.
     
  6. I've tried to write in a journal.

    I can never keep up with it.

    I :love: you guys

    Your words mean a lot!

    Ck, I will try your suggestions, I know I can't keep trying to avoid it.

    It's strange some days I am so good others I fall into pieces over small things.

    I talk to my wife, she's a blessing she always listens, so do her parents who are kinder and more accepting than my own family who are estranged...

    I know I drank too much tonight but I feel like it is a good thing and went with it.
     
  7. I don't know what to tell you bro, because I don't know who you are or what you've been threw to cause all that. Is all of this a result from that attack?

    I will agree with you, being struck on the head with a gun and then actually choked with a hoodie string trying to be killed would be scary and leave you with those problems. I mean fuck you could have been murdered, that runs in your mind again and again I bet.

    Doesn't suprise me you would be harassed in a hick town, especially if you're black, fucking red neck wannabe confederates. I live in a hick town also, and so many people here are racist. I don't even know if you're black but I'm guessing. My one friend actually disgusted me. After not seeing him for about a year, he changed. He got into the "Boces" program in school which is nothing BUT REDNECKS. Started chewing tabacco dip, got a confederate flag and bashed on black people.

    And I thought to my self, dude you don't even know a single fucking black person, the only two black people he knew were these two black friends of mine and mutual friends in the town, and their mom abused meth and crack while she was pregnant, and she was tied to a chair and burned alive in a fucking house, yeah these two aren't going to be the best fucking people ?

    Other than that he knew no fucking black people at all, he barely even knew shit about them. And the things he was saying disgusted me, as my really good friend twice my age who grew up in Brooklyn, was black. I know black people, many of them, personally... And for this white redneck idiot to say those things when he doesn't even know a single black person made me fucking sick.

    I haven't spoke to him since, he can be a fucking redneck in that hick town with all the other ones and drive around with confederate flags in their truck windows.

    I guarantee if all these racist fucks met my black friend, who is 6'4 300 lbs would eat every fucking racist thing they said along with their confederate flag as piss ran down their leg.


    I don't even know if you are black man, but I just wanted to type that incase you were to show how ignorant people are, especially rednecks.

    Basically dude get the fuck out of that hick town. Hicks/confederates/rednecks are fucking pathetic scum on this Earth and all need to be condemned. No normal human being with out a mental problem does any of the shit you say they do.
     
  8. I hope things get better, man.
    Youve got nothing but love, and an ear to listen to all your problems from this blade.
     
  9. I'm not black i just happen to be gay
     
  10. Which is worse than being black in hick towns...
     
  11. Wtf that's even worse... Fucking nearly murdered because you're gay? Please get the fuck out of that town man.. Human beings are so fucking disgusting and ignorant.

    Somebody who would harass you because you're gay, something that was your choice, something that affects them no way no how, they have SERIOUS MENTAL PROBLEMS.


    Separate your self from these retards as soon as possible and as far as you can.
     
  12. I totally suck at dealing with emotional pain.

    I know it's crazy and self destructive but I feel like I have to show others that live and care for me that I'm ok and they not worry, because I feel selfish because everyone has problems and I'm sure there are many worse situations.

    It's hard even to think about it...

    I always run into a wall in my head

    I wish I could write a symphony of words
     

  13. I did move, out of state even.

    Left my old life behind in a way

    Most people here don't know I don't know how to deal them.
    I don't want sympathy, to be pitied, I don't know what I want....

    And I'm not even in my Saturn return yet....
     

  14. Have you thought about going to counseling, or a therapist?

    I'm not usually one to rush into advising people to get some therapy, but it sounds like you went through a pretty tramatic experience, and are having a hard time dealing with it and getting through it.

    A therapist might be able to help you break down the walls in your mind that you mentioned, they might be able to help you come to terms with what happened and start being able to process it.

    I've had some pretty fucked up things happen in my life.... and it's weird, at first you kinda just dismiss it. You think you'll just get over it... but you don't. Sometimes things are just engraved in your mind so deep that you need help working them out.
     


  15. I have but unfortunately it costs money that I don't have.

    I work my ass off as does my wife, and all of our money goes to bills, food, etc.

    I looked for support groups couldn't find any that I had the money and/or time for.

    So I started going on GC more.
     

  16. Well, have you read any self help books about PTSD, looked into any support sites online?
     
  17. One thing I learned in school about humans and their brains and the discovery channel and shit that it is best to talk about these things. Everybody is who they are because what has happened to them, everybody is different threw memories is what I seen on tv and that memories have to do with DNA.

    You were nearly murdered, that's a serious memory you will NEVER forget, whether you made your self forgot, or you stopped thinking about it, it is still there in your sub conscious and sub consciously it is thinking.

    That memory is fucking with your head, professional help brother it does help and no that doesn't mean you're a crazy retard for getting it.

    Also try to stop smoking weed for 6 months and see what happens. Weed can amplify depression immensely. But then you probably need it for all that stress.
     

  18. I've read books, looked at online stuff, honestly I feel like some if you on here and you know who are my family. So it's more comfortable to discuss it here.

    I rarely spar anymore, I think I néed to
     
  19. I need to go to sleep....

    I'll be back

    :love:
     
  20. I'm really sorry that you had to go through such horrible things. I had my first experience with homophobic ass holes recently and it left me feeling hopeless, powerless, defeated and really really sad. And it wasn't even aimed at me but my friends. It's so sad that we live in a world full of so much blind, ignorant hate. Where people are discriminated against, hated, tormented physically, emotionally, verbally and psychologically just because of the color of their skin, or their sexual orientation. I'm glad you moved away from it, but I'm sorry you still carry it with you inside.
    I agree with CKTony. It's surprising how much clarity and healing you can find just from writing down what's inside of you. It really is a great form of therapy.
     

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