I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a partner, a lover, a parent, a child, to what we call death, as it has never happened to me. But I especially can't know what that must feel like if they take their own life. That they never felt able to tell me what was going on for them, even though they might not be in the right state of mind in which to do so. That they chose to go and leave me behind, just when i really needed them. How selfish of them to do that. To take the cowards way out, as some might say. But i know that in deep depression, as many who suffer with this will attest, that we often do the very thing designed NOT to help ourselves. Depression on one level, is very selfish - it's all about me. if left untreated, or unloved, it can go to those places where people take their life. But I can't help wondering, and these thoughts have occurred to me, what would've happened if i'd gone too? How would it have affected my own daughter, my partner, those who knew me, as there were times when i felt i was not only going, but needed to go, was ready to go, and attempted to. Perhaps the method I chose wasn't classic, and on some level would never have ended up in death anyway, but at the time, it was spontaneous, and i believed it would, and so counts as a valid attempt. In order to go, I had to accept that i'd have to let go of everything i knew, loved, cared about. Everything that was familiar to me, known to me, was me. I chose to put my 'house' in order, to leave things as clearly sorted as I could. words, letters, finances, all in place. so that when i went, i wouldn't be a burden anymore, especially not afterwards. But what about those who take a more physical route? where what they do cannot be returned from? What happens on the way down? For time is all so relative. and the time it takes to reach the bottom might be quick or it might be slow. it might take but a moment or last an eternity. They say we review our life as we pass, and perhaps that's what happens. Perhaps they keep doing it until they see they didn't have to make this choice, that going was an act of selfishness on their part, even though at the time, they were in a state of mind, where their thoughts, their choices were no longer their own. No longer clear and rational to see things as they need, carefully quiet to ensure nobody changed their mind. and then, having gone, having seen the way things could've been, having lost the demon that was pulling the strings, they once again feel themselves as they are, no longer burdened by the weight of what was. And what if, depending on those who remain behind, and how they feel about it, cannot move on, have no choice but to stay, for they cannot be forgiven, do not forgive themselves, for the pain and suffering they cause, and until they do, may stay forever, trying to make amends, be who they were supposed to be, as best they can. For the few who can see them, know they're still there, do not have to see it from the bad. They must soften their hearts to know that they are no longer the same as they were. By accepting there was love underneath all the pain, and seeing it from this perspective, they can let go of the need to hold on, they can let him and them move on. I can't imagine the feeling of regret that must pass through the minds of some as they jump or push away the chair, and realise as they see that there was another way, that they must now still go. Must they be condemned to suffer in hell for all eternity, as some religions would have us believe. Or should they be forgiven for just being human and getting it wrong? My father disappeared 30 years ago. He left my life as if he'd died. he no longer existed, no more contact, and no more need to deal with an oppressive atmosphere either. I felt a sense of release as if this was exactly what was needed to allow me to be myself without being held back. He wasn't really holding me back, it only felt that way, and I would only see him again for a moment after I saw him seventeen years later. Nothing had to be said. He did what he had to do. I held no bad towards him, and only wanted him to see his new granddaughter. He came down to see us. We sat in silence together, staring out the window, sitting on the pier fishing, as we had done so many times when I was a kid. I didn't realise it then, but he was teaching me silence. We would sit for hours, never speaking. I loved him even though I never knew him, and when i opened the door to his older face all those years ago. The past disappeared and a man, whom i recognised as my father, whom i'd last been a kid when he was, walked in and was accepted. This visit was enough. To know there were no bad feelings on my part. His son had not carried the pain he might've. For when it was time for him to go, when he went when he did. I knew it had been a great gift.
The mother pregnant with my child has depression. I used to be depressed, it still creeps up some but it's not like it was. I used to think about leaving this place but I discovered I'd never be able to. I couldn't let go. Now I'm struggling with letting go with the woman that I love. It's hard being the person that causes her so much pain during her pregnancy. So I wonder, and this is just me speaking because I have a very relaxed view of death compared to most people, what's harder, letting go of someone you love in death or in life. Depression is selfish. So is the suicide. But is it not selfish to just let them go, hoping they have found peace?
If you ever feel depressed, ask yourself 'who' feels depressed.. follow that feeling of depression and see where is arises from. Trace it back to it's origin point. The feeling of depression doesn't actually exist, and it could never really be what you are. It's just a thought arising in consciousness, nothing more. You can become aware of it and embrace it, or you could just observe it and let it pass.....it's your choice. It always has been. "We can view depression, not as a mental illness, but as a state of deep rest, entered into when we've become exhausted by the weight of the false story we have come to believe about ourselves" -Jeff Foster
Why make comparisons of perfect parallels that contribute the same thing(s)? Nothing in this world is inherently selfish. Our capacity to give reflects, often reflects our history with receiving, and if you've lacked that background, selfishness is really all you have- a desire to simply look out for your own best interest. In many ways this is where the double-edged sword of knowledge comes into play, because people who are open to the world and to the intricate nature of other people, cannot simply live a life so self-serving. Ideology, ethics, or integrity always seem to compromise one's ability to tell the conscience to fuck off. In my mind, there's nothing selfish about letting go. I try not to minimize my influence in people's lives or my own merit, but I also try to keep it realistic. People that know me, people that love me, people who I have helped raise, were all fine before they knew me, and they will be fine after I'm gone. There will be time to grieve, time to reflect, and time to adapt, and then there will be memories. The depth of those memories, and how long they keep the image of me alive in the hearts of those that outlive me, will directly reflect the gravity of what I was able to do with the time I had. That's all. The most selfish we probably ever are, is taking a perfectly good person who is free with limitless possibilities, and attaching them to us at the hip. So in a way, letting go could be perceived much more optimistically- almost like returning an injured animal to the wild. Their fate is shrouded in mystery, but it's a mystery we all share, that no creature truly deserves to have stripped from them out of a misplaced sense of inconvenience. That's the beauty of life. It's a much more positive thing to reintroduce someone to the world, than to humor the cage you both share. Time's not going to make anything easier, and there will never be a perfect time to let anyone down. Disappointment's disappointment. But disappointment is always temporary.
I just gotta thank my lucky stars I didn't experience this a few years ago. I'm much more equipped to deal with it, and I know I will be fine. I've felt a recurring theme in my life that I've known everything I experience was always what I was going to experience, or always the experience necessary or whatever. But the reality I see is a reflection of who I am, so how could my experience be anything other than what I've known it to be? I'm always choosing it, and regretting my choices in retrospect. So learn to choose, or learn not to regret? Probably a mixture of both. It should be a combination of truly being present with your choices and letting go of the past. Boom.
If you need to look at it objectively from a perspective that will give you some comfort, she's a woman who chose you right? An intellectual who gives consideration to the feelings of others and her well-being, even when it isn't inherently in her favor. Isn't that as good as it really gets with human beings? If she's capable of picking an individual like this, while so many people seem to consistently pick fuck ups, I'd say you have no real reason to fear for her. A good taste in character goes a long way in this world.
Was going to put my response here about the relationship part..but I'm going to PM it. As far as letting go, I am myself getting ready to deal with that in a huge way..a life-changing way...and I've realized I have to let go everyday, every second...There is nothing I can do about what happens in the future, except-in a situation like yours-to make the best informed decision I can make and let it be.
A lot of truth in that quote. After a trip I had ideas that sent me in a depressive state for a month. I mean insomnia, panic attacks, and just depression. Until I faced them and learned the truth they had to offer. Went away quickly after that. Now I don't regret a thing and am glad I had it . "I'm to drunk, to taste this chicken" -Talladega nights