The Lonely Thread

 
I'd bring an ounce of top quality BC dank and we'd all get fucking blasted

 

I'm so sorry . Being confused is the absolute worst. I'm so confused every day and I don't think there's anything I can do about it. I also know being in contact would just cause more confusion. Just got to find a way to move on..

 

I want you in my arms, letting the world fade away.  Where the bullshit can't touch us, and all we can feel is the warmth of one another's love.  Are you out there, my angel?

 

Friday makes me feel more lonely. Like I should be doing something, but I'm not.

 

Anyone want to chat? Lonely as fuck over here.

 

You can hit me up anytime, if you want.

Right now I don't want to chat so much as I just wish there was somebody else here with me

 

Does life get less lonely as you get older? People said high school would be better and then university would be better, but i just feel like things are staying the same. I have friends, but i don't feel like i have a very close bond with any of them. Maybe my expectations are too high  . 
Peace out x 

 

Sorry to have to do this, but the honest answer is life will only continue to get more and more lonely.. your friends seem distant now but wait until they start working 60 hours a week and then getting engaged and having children. I've been trying to fight it by finding cool new friends who actually have time to spend with their friends. But idk.

 

The thing i've realized i'm lacking is well.. love. I never really knew what it was or felt it with my family. It's a trait me, my mother, and my aunt all share being raised by my grandparents. I'm a hugely affectionate person and i love physical contact. I doesn't even need to be in a romantic or sexual way. Just laying talking to a good girlfriend holding eachother is so nice. Or having someone be kind enough to lay behind you and play with your hair and make you feel safe till you drift off to sleep.

 

So many feels for this.. I feel like I'm super affectionate but I don't even know because I've never really gotten to express it. My family is all pretty distant and cold and we all kind of just do our own thing. And my dad was gone for most of my life anyway.

There's just one person (aside from family) who was ever in love with me but they tried to take that away from me anyway. So maybe I've never felt love before. I really don't even know. It sucks

My friend lives alone with a cat and was telling me how she cries with her cat, and she cuddles with him a lot and stuff and basically is her "love sponge" and omg, I got jealous of the fucking cat.

 

I keep myself at a barrier with almost everyone. For me i don't see cuddling, comforting, sleeping together, or anything as bad or negative i see it as really positive and healing. Sadly almost everyone else does not see things that way :/ . I'm the weird furry gay/trans guy so whenever i ask someone of either sex to rub my back or comfort me or cuddle it usually gets turned down due to them being uncomfortable . Why does noone else see affection as beautiful? There's so many times on the inside i'm screaming and crying just needing someone, anyone to just hug me or give me some kind of show of support or care....... but it never comes. I have noone anymore almost everyone i've known is gone from my life and me and my family don't talk/visit unless we have to. I haven't had someone show true care, affection, or deep empathy for me in well god months. I need affection, love, deep emotion, connections with other people I NEED IT. I've stopped looking for support or affection/comfort anymore after one night where i was feeling suicidal and very very low, i stopped and looked through my FB and phone from top to bottom. I was scrolling my phone contact list and when i realized i was at the bottom and there was not one single person i could call and hug or vent to or just cry to or even talk about what was going on. No family, no partner, no friends, absolutely noone. I've never felt so hopeless in my life. I was destroyed. I mean i see everyone else in relationships, talking about family and such, everything and unnoticed and hiddenly i die inside everytime a little more i'm reminded that i'm completely alone now. It's such a strong and upsetting emotion that it makes me just want to start clawing at my skin and bawl because it's the only thing i can even imagine that could be a equal expression of how that feels. It makes you want to just rip yourself apart and die.

The only thing i have is my teddy bear collection. They are the one thing in this world that has always loved me unconditionally, always listened, were always there for me. They were that pure love i needed. Me and my ex collected them and they all had one page biographies and names. We would pupeteer them and play with eachother all the time. I was never happier than to see one of them waving around the door at me while i was in the bedroom. Just about a week ago i realized something and it damn near broke me. They will never be alive, never hug me on their own, there's no person to make them move and joke and play with me. I wanted one of them to so badly just be able to hug me on their own but i knew and know that's impossible. The last vestige of love and care i had taken.

I'm slowly withering away silently infront of everyone. Waiting for one person to just hold out their hand and look me in the eyes with care. That's all i fucking need. Nothing.

 

Well at least you're brave enough to ask for what you want. I just sit around waiting or trying to hint or be subtle but I can't just come out and ask my friend to please cuddle with me lol. I need it too though..the rest of my life isn't going so well and the social thing is the one thing I have going good. But i want to turn that into social AND love thing. Or whatever. I have nothing but free time and I get sad whenever I'm alone so I've been trying to be with people constantly or text them but there's still sooo many hours spent alone and with no one to text. I live with my parents still but I hide in my room and I don't like them or talk to them and generally try to avoid them. My dad said he feels like there's a stranger living upstairs.

I feel like I'd like to try being a lifestyle slave for awhile lol then I could potentially have all of these problems fixed in one fell swoop.

 

Ya i've stopped asking. I do so much for everyone around me. I have saved half of their lives in one form or another. Kept them fed, clothed, and roof to sleep under, jobs, mental health care, everything. I selflessly give and without hestitation or complaint, which some see as weakness or being used, or a goose chase for redemption but in all reality it's what i feel is right. When you know something is wrong and when you know something is right it's like that. A buddhist, nonmaterial, loving take and approach to the world is what makes me at peace inside and happy with myself. I never ask people for things, i never guilt them for what i did, i give them the chance to do the right thing completely on their own. What kills me is noone has passed that challenge yet. Not one person has legitimately done something for me out of gratitude, return, love, or care. To me if i have to ask or manipulate you to get that from you it means nothing at all. I can manipulate anyone and get almost anything i want but that is wrong and destructive and in the end the love, riches, affection, friends, etc aren't real. They don't even know who you are. It's a charade of an existence of happiness. It makes my stomach and heart drop to be in need of something or some help or a talk or a hug and in a room full of people i'm so close to not one, not fucking one EVER stops caring about themselves and their world or feels compassion for me or atleast enough to help me. I can literally sit in a room full of three great friends and just pour tears silently, or start running my tomohawk or razor across my arms and neck, and noone does a damn fucking thing. I'm alone and closed off on every front and have nowhere to go or run.

I've moved on and accepted this and pretty much cut myself off from expecting or searching for anything from anyone. All i have is myself and i everything i need is right here within me and my mind. Sure i can live happily, survive, be somewhat okay mentally and emotionally, ya know be functional but in the end that's only half living. Sadly i think for the immediate future that's all i have or will have for awhile.

Right now i'm reading myself to make a push for alot of change, bettering my life, and trying to get the hell out of whatever fucked up slump i'm in. I'm determined. If noone else cares or is willing to help i'll do it my fucking self.

 

 
 
 
my hand is here

 

Damn, I'm jealous. I am one of the realest and loyal people you'll meet but I get little respect. Thus having to turn to ignorance. When faced with ignorance 😁😞, I become ignorant. Lol, perks of being alone tho. 😶😿


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Tired of going out . . By myself

 

Me too man, me too. Especially when I'm spending all night awake, there isn't even anywhere to go..