So, this is a first draft of a satire piece that I wrote today, I was thinking about reworking it, but, I want first impression, would you read this if it was a bit more polished up and longer? I also have no idea where I could put this at (internet, print, etc.?). HOW TO MAKE VIDEO GAMES; HOW TO MAKE YOUR AAA TITLE WITH NO EFFORT (SERIOUSLY!) Welcome! If you are watching this, then no doubt you want to know how to make a good video game. A video game that is up to snuff to what is expected in today's high paced video game industry. So what makes a good video game? Is the gameplay mechanics? The story? The characters? Or even the soundtrack? Sales. Yes, sales are truly the final benchmark of sucess, this is true in any industry. You may have the common misconception that positive reviews or prestigous awards are how games leave their marks and show how talented the people who made them are. Sadly to say, you would be tottally wrong. As long as you make more than what you put into the game, you won! This video will explain the in's and out's of making video games which is split up into diffrent sections: 1. The Idea ?. The Story 2. The Tools 3. The People 4. The Devlopment 5. The Marketing 6. Launch Date and beyond The Idea: If the last 30 years of gaming history has taught us anything, its that most gamers are more than willing to put up with the same kind of crap for a long time, actually a little bit long that the average film goer or music afficando. You would think that a medium with as much freedom and possibilty would make for a daunting task of deciding what to make a game about. After all, you're allowing people to walk into any role you want, players can fly planes, steal cars, have deep conversations or find themselves in another world. But you don't have to worry about any of that, you're trying to make a sucessful title, not a good one. And here is the big secret on how. Let them kill. Yes, ever since Mario stomped his first goomba, gamers have realize that there is an endless joy in killing things. Some of the most memorable stories involved the hero killing something. Conan the Barbarian. The Bible. Romeo and Juliet. The Holocaust. And so on. We can try to hide it behind walls of thick text, eloquent orechstal scores, and breath taking compositions, but the truth is that killing shit is awesome, and your audience will think so too. The Story: So, now you decided that you want to work on your first person shooter, so what should it be about? Although one could spend his time learning about rise and fall, suspense and climax, the reality is that it doesn't really matter. After, all your audience consists of people who buy the same sports titles year after year, and they aren't looking for Dotrovesky in their video games. Here is a simple way to create your story, just select a fragment from each section and put them together, Viola! Instant video game story. --A-- Aliens have arrived on earth, and they're not friendly... A guy in a space organization of sorts is sent to an alien planet... A military soldier is sent to enemy land... A military soldier is forced to defend his land... A female report with big tits is determined to discover the truth with her wits, her shotgun, and her pussy... --B-- After an excruciantly long, unskippable tutorial... After forcing the player to read the backstory... After not giving the player any idea what the hell he should be doing... After this stupid as shit loading screen is done... --C-- Our hero finds theirselves all alone after their squadron has been wiped out... Our hero finds themselves all alone, except for a very annoying sidekick... Our hero finds themselves all alone, naked in the shower, showing off her HD tittes... --D-- The player is forced to trudge through levels that consist of nothing more then going into a room, clearing enemies and then into the next room to repeat the process... --E-- After a tedious boss battle, the player is congragulated on a weekend well wasted... After a bulllshit ending, the player is encouraged to try the same the game again, but with infinite ammo(wow!)... As you can see, it doesn't really matter what the fuck the story is about as long as you can provide clever game design, good pacing, and good replabilty. As of today, the video game industry doesn't really know what these terms mean, and neither should you, because they aren't relevant to making a sucessful game. In fact, in today's industry, the multiplayer components are more imporant and the story should just be treated as a kind of watered down single-player multiplayer mode (but more on this later). 3. The Tools: Alright, so you got your AAA title ready to take into the meat processing plant that is the video game industry, but what do you need to make your dumb idea into a dumb game? For the most part, all you need is... You know what, you can use whatever you want. Yeah, make your game on your Mac II, we don't give a shit. 4. The People: It's been said that it takes a village to raise a child, and despite what indie game devlopers might want you to believe, the truly great games take an entire office building worth of labor to create. You will need programmers, artists, modlers, voice actors, motion capture, sound guys, assiants, interns, and some big asshole that makes them make a piece of shit game, but has zero understanding on how games fundamentally work (you). Programmers are the life blood of your figurative body. And just like real life blood, there is absolutely no problems with treating it like shit, as long as its in small doses. Programmers are people who have mastered concepts of computer science, know how to translate COBOL to C++ and will snicker as you ask what 8.4 bit is. These guys will slave away at computers for hours a day, compling code, fixing bugs, and quietly weeping on their desks. If programmers make the invisible, visible, then artists make the visible not look like shit. Artists are people who have entered the game industry by either paying and going to a specialized school for 4 years or they know somebody. They are masters of their craft and know and understand the subtley between a pen nib and a brush stroke. They smoke pot all the time and spend most of the time in their offices working on their Qintue tablets on their special Apple computers, because only a 1700 dollar computer has the power to process digital brushstrokes. Arists also make the 3D objects and maps needed for your game, so feel free to blame them if the game doesn't match "your vision". 5. Making the game: Remember when you were a kid and you always dreamed of making a video game? Or remember how you always wanted to make alot of money? Well, if you dreamt like the former, then you proabaly imagined yourself sitting on a bean bag in front of a video game system, playing your game, the one that you made. And then you imagined that you told everybody that there should be a big drop right about there, and there a life pack at the end of the level would be cool, and could you add some naked chicks in this secret door? This may come as a big shock but, making a AAA title is boring as shit. In order to make sure that people didn't have to worry about the boring shit, meettings are held. These meetings help the team realize their goals for the project, what needs to get done, who to fire, and its a good way to remind employees what it was they were hired to work on in the first place. Although there is no actual proof, most people agree that every time you leave walk away from a meeting, you die a little bit on the inside. During devlopment, you may run across small problems that are common in in devlopment. From game corrupting bugs, having the lead programmer snap and begin firing in the breakroom, to having to reconsider your release date. If anyone asks you for your advice on this situation just tell them: "Whatever you think works," and they'll stop asking for you advice soon enough. This leaves you time to walk around the office doing nothing and more time to check your Twitter page. 6. Marketing: This is a big one, after all, if you're reading this, then you want to make games for the money, and the only way you're going to get their money is by targeting your audience. Who is your audience? For the most part, male pre-teen to young adults. Although there are older gamers, they usually have decided not to put up with mainstream gaming's bullshit anymore, so you don't have to worry about them. When your marketing your game its way more important to be noticed on an actual news paper, rather than a video game site, look at this chart for comparision: ARTICLE EFFECTIVENESS CONVERSION CHART 1 USA TODAY = 5 OTAKUS 1 TIME MAGAZINE = 10 GAMESPOTS 1 LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL NEWSLETTER = 0.0005 GIANT BOMBS using the chart as a guide, it becomes clear than an article about your video game in a larger magazine is more effective than one in a video game site, even if it's bad publicity. Take a look at this example, using the chart above, you'll notice that the article in the newspaper will bring more press, publicity, and (hopefully) sales. Spider Gaming.com J. Kelly - The new, up and coming video game studio, Insipid Games, has wowed people at the Computer Program Based Gaming and Simulation Expo this week. In order to promote their release of their upcoming title, 1,000 Bullets, IG decided to have fully playable demos of their game at their booth, while giving away free goodies in terms of free game acessories and memorbilla. One lucky vistor won a free PS3 after playing a demo. Many people liked 1,000 Triggers as well, "I really liked the combat and the color scheme. Hopefully there will be more tits on screen in the release than in the demo though," comments booth visitor, Jack McHarris. 1,000 Bullets is expect to hit video game stores this fall, and adult video stores even earlier. The US of Today Mary Stoolworth - Controversy surrounds the new and upcoming game, 1,000 Bullets, as federal prosecutors have suggested that the games violent and sexually graphic content made a 17-year old boy shoot the back wall of a 7-11 and proceed to have sex with a lot of sexy chicks. "This game features hours and hours of big guns and tits," says Procecuting attoreny, Harry Cock, "I don't think anybody should be exposed to hours of bloody, exploding heads and offensive, glistening tits on screen." Even though the newspaper article places the game in a bad light, that is actually good for you. If you noticed, that angry lawyer actually managed to explain the game better than the "good" article (notice the lawyer's use of 'glistening tits' that makes the game sound a lot cooler than it really is). Also, if anyone ever asks what kind of anti-piracy measures you want to include, just tell them "all of them."