dont know how to react to this.

ok ya so its odd comming to an online forum to find out how to deal with my issue. but I figure what then hell.

ok here is this issue. I HATE my dad. I mean I really Hate my dad. I have literally contemplated killing my father. and a couple of times almost went through with it. the only reason I didn't was that he was driving and it would have caused an accident and possibly kill my aunt who I love more then anything.

that man has heaped more abuse on me in my life. every kind of abuse you can think of. I was tortured. locked in my room. sexually molested. he even watched as one of his friends molested me when I was ten. and when I asked him why he didn't do any thing he said he wanted to see what I would do. I WAS 10 YEARS OLD!! I mean seriously. the shit that man did to me has fucked me up so bad that I live with horrible flash backs all multiple times a day and literal can not lead a normal life.
Ive had people do medical thesis on me. Ive been told by multiple therapist (of all persuasions) that they are surprised I function as well as I do with all the fucked up shit thats wrong with me.
any way enough of the back ground.. I think you guys can see why I hate my father.

so now he is in the hospital.. possibly dieing.. his kidneys are failing.. he cant eat. he cant go to the bathroom. he has a high fever. he is getting sicker and weaker by the day.

how am I supposed to react to this? should I feel something? I haven't even talked to him or even gone to the hospital to see him.. what do you guys think I should do? what would you do in this situation?

are you a cat?

I'm glad you at least recognize that you were an innocent victim. A lot of women have a problem honestly grasping that.

I think your not feeling anything is normal. It's your brain's way of protecting you from pain.

Should you go see him? I think so, if you can emotionally handle it..but only if you want to. You dont have to feel like you are required to go see him because he was dying. He lost those types of parental rights when he abused you.

Stay strong and take care.

Do nothing. Let him die alone.

i wouldnt even go to the hostpital, let him rot in there and think about the things he has done in his life, and when his son doesnt come to see him he will realize how badly he fucked up.

Im sorry for your situation and am saddened on how you came into this world as a helpless child.

You were living with someone who was raping you/facilitating raping you?? I can't imagine how the fuck that felt, did you tell anyone this was happening.. police/child services/your moms?? because they wouldn't have let it continue..

You don't need to feel anything and let him control your life any longer.. but if you have something on your chest that you need to tell him nows the time to do it. If you want to tell him that he will never be forgiven and deserves to rot in hell for eternity do that, if you want to say the past is the past, and you forgive him than say that.. but staying quiet will hurt the most because you never got closure.

Also.. I don't think this is the best place to ask for advice on something like this.. might wanna talk about this with your psychologist/therapist.

I agree with Adi, you should at least see him for closure. Maybe once your there you can let out all your feelings on him, even if they are bad. This could be the last time you get to say something to him.

One of two routes you can take:

1) Leave him, don't see him before he passes out of pure apathy.

2) See him before he passes, then leave the memories behind anyways.

Pro:

If you choose 2) you can tell him how much the experiences hurt you. You'd also get your chance to say goodbye. Choose 1) if doing 2) would make you feel uncomfortable or you just don't care enough.

are you a cat?

yes I am a cat.. >.> and a very cool and stonie cat at that.

Go to the hospital to laugh in his face at how helpless he is now because of how much of a low life he led. Tell him he was never cared for and never will be nor want to be remembered after his death. Tell him his death will make this world a better place and after that do terrible shit to make him hurt more and more. You may not be able to return how much pain you experienced but at least you can give him a taste of what you had to deal with.

You were living with someone who was raping you/facilitating raping you?? I can't imagine how the fuck that felt, did you tell anyone this was happening.. police/child services/your moms?? because they wouldn't have let it continue..

You don't need to feel anything and let him control your life any longer.. but if you have something on your chest that you need to tell him nows the time to do it. If you want to tell him that he will never be forgiven and deserves to rot in hell for eternity do that, if you want to say the past is the past, and you forgive him than say that.. but staying quiet will hurt the most because you never got closure.

Also.. I don't think this is the best place to ask for advice on something like this.. might wanna talk about this with your psychologist/therapist.

I did at the time tell a school teacher, who called child services at the time but because I was terrified to disrobe in front of any one they choose not to beleave me until I ran away when I was 13. they then put me into a foster home where I was subjected to more physical abuse by the foster mother and her oldest natural son and sexual abuse by one of the other foster girls there. I also ran away from there and ended up living with my grammy till I was 16 and went to job corps. the child services in the town I lived in really sucked. and they still suck.

and as for seeing a shrink, in the ultra conservative microscopic place im living in now, its hard to find a therapist that is willing to deal with my various issues. but I am looking.

One of two routes you can take:

1) Leave him, don't see him before he passes out of pure apathy.

2) See him before he passes, then leave the memories behind anyways.

Pro:

If you choose 2) you can tell him how much the experiences hurt you. You'd also get your chance to say goodbye. Choose 1) if doing 2) would make you feel uncomfortable or you just don't care enough.

Ironical I have told him repeatedly how I felt about growing up under his care but due to his mental retardation, or him being an asshole he has never once shown any remorse so while a good idea.. I don't think he will change his tune.

it was meant to be. move on with life without that bastard.

Be there for him.. I know u say u hate him and all and I can't imagen how hard it is for you but... He's ur dad.. a shitty one at that.. but he's a part of u.. I would go to the hospital and tell him you'll see it through the end and be there with him no matter what.. the way to kill ur enemys is threw kindness.

He's alone and scared.. everyone is scared of dying. Be there for him because even though through all the shit he put u through.. at least u can say u never gave up and you saw it through to the end.

I think after seeing that kind of love and commitment even through all the bullshit he will see that he was wrong.. u can tell him u hate him.. tell him ur honest feelings towards him.. but don't leave. Say what u want and get it off ur chest or just say nothing and be there. I really hope he sees how he has done u wrong and ask for forgiveness but if not you still did the right thing and u were there for him like he never was for you.

The most important thing you can give someone is your time.

I'm glad you at least recognize that you were an innocent victim. A lot of women have a problem honestly grasping that.

I think your not feeling anything is normal. It's your brain's way of protecting you from pain.

Should you go see him? I think so, if you can emotionally handle it..but only if you want to. You dont have to feel like you are required to go see him because he was dying. He lost those types of parental rights when he abused you.

Stay strong and take care.

this.... i would follow this

You should discuss your feelings with someone. It'll make you feel a lot better.

I did talk to my aunt. she is like a mother to me. she raised me from the age of 6 up. she was my fathers common wife for the longest time and she finally left him about 3 years ago. she knows how I feel about how I grew up, and she does have regret for not protecting me. I have no feelings of animosity towards her. she was working her ass off to support me and she would literally come home eat sleep get up and go back to work. ive worked my issues out with her.

she knows how i feel. she even told me not to worry about going to the hospital just yet.

Im just trying to figure out if the ambivalence that I feel is normal. or if I should be feeling something.. Im not very good with social stuff.

I did talk to my aunt. she is like a mother to me. she raised me from the age of 6 up. she was my fathers common wife for the longest time and she finally left him about 3 years ago. she knows how I feel about how I grew up, and she does have regret for not protecting me. I have no feelings of animosity towards her. she was working her ass off to support me and she would literally come home eat sleep get up and go back to work. ive worked my issues out with her.

she knows how i feel. she even told me not to worry about going to the hospital just yet.

Im just trying to figure out if the ambivalence that I feel is normal. or if I should be feeling something.. Im not very good with social stuff.

U don't have to feel a certain way OP.. u feel how u feel and no one can tell you how to feel.

Leave him to die...Men of his kind do not deserve the life they have.

I would go to the hospital....


and pull the plug myself.

Tell him karma is a bitch.