Sure sex could be amazing. Great. Relaxing. But hearing about all that stuff just gives me a boner. I don't wanna hear about it. Lets reminisce about all those awkward, strange, hilarious moments during intercourse! Friday night we're at the mall shopping around and my girlfriend at the time wanted to share a cinnabon. After that we went home to go pound on some capt morgan and some margartias. Shes a lightweight so its only a matter of time before her pants fall off. She's on the bed giving me the blows and im like ahh yeahhhhh All of a sudden i hear "Gubbrhrb" wtf?? I look down at her and it smells like cinnabon and fruity margartia mixer. Brat threw up all over my dick! I thought it was hilarious. I guess she couldn't handle. I look around for a towel, clean myself up and say. Okay, where were we?
Another time we were having sex in my room, sometime in the morning, and since we were having sex the night before I figured it was okay. We started off as the regular ol mish. Then i turned her over for some of that doggy. When i did i saw a little blotch of red on my sheets. What the? Wat the hell did i say about eating on my bed bitch! Gave her a little choke around. She said, "What is it? Cinnabon?" So i take a look at my dick, and sure enough theres red liquid all over it too. Instatly knowing what it was, i take her off, take the condom off, take the sheets off. She's just standing there all embarssed, even though i again found it funny. I tell her its normal and as long as she doesn't shit on me, she can get away with anything else. Told her to get her ass in the shower and wait for me. Haha. I hate not finishing... Turns out she took me too seriously and she did try to get away with other stuff. Like when she swallowed and licked my face right after. Fuck! All i tried to do was put some damn stride in her mouth. The light blue flavor.
One time when me & my first boyfriend were having sex, I got on top to finish & when I did I see something lighting up & it is my god damn phone with the words Connected & had been for almost ten minutes to who else but my dad. Now it'd be different if it was just some wrestling of the sheets, but I'm quite the verbal one in the bedroom. Needless to say, it was very awkward when he came home, I literally could've just died right then & there
I know this guy who was fucking some girl in the ass and he took it out and there was corn on the tip..
Apologies in advance, but this one is truly disgusting. On a hot summer night at a party me and my friend attended, my friend picked up on a hot chick, and shes in the mood to fuck. so he takes her back to his car, they proceed to do the deed. he later explained to me afterwards that after fucking her, he gets out of the car to take a piss, after doing so he wipes the sweat from his face, unbeknownst to him was the fact the girl was on her period. my friend and the girl re-enter to the party when I hear somebody yell out. OMG he ate her out! I look around and see my friend with blood smeared all over his face (the blood from the girls period transfered to his hand, and then to his face when he wiped off the sweat) and a shit load of blood on the zipper area of his jeans. it looked disgusting, but both were extremely embarrassed and we quickly left the party.
HAHAHAHAH Good one Now if there were blood on my face/in... or around my mouth, I would'nt be laughing like I normally do. Can't even imagine how gross that is.
Had sex with my girl on her period for the first time yesterday... When I pulled my fingers out they were covered in blood and I was fucking shocked. I had no idea there was THAT much blood coming out down there. I had shit stuck under my fingernails, dripping from my fingers, and stained all over my hand. I looked away and made her clean my hand off. Then after we did the deed I didn't even look down at all. I just closed my eyes and let her clean me up before I even dared to look. I can get over the visual image of my fingers covered in blood but there's no effing way I ever want to even try to get over seeing my dick covered in it. On to a funny one now... We had just finished having some fiery and hot sex when I checked my phone. It was in my pants pocket and they happened to still be on the bed. We had dialed 8 random numbers from my contacts and a couple of numbers got called twice. Luckily no one picked up but I had a few texts I had to reply to with an explanation.
I came home late one night, a day early from a business trip and quietly (so as not to wake up my wife) made my way around our bed in the dark to our bathroom to take a shower. After that I got into bed naked - still in the dark. My wife had her back to me so I started rubbing her ass and feeling her up. When she started to moan a little, something didn't sound right but now I had a raging boner and didn't really care. What I didn't know was that my wife was in the living room watching TV and I was in bed with her best friend who comes over to stay with her sometimes when I'm out of town. Nothing happened that night and I wound up not getting laid at all but it turned out to be a nice little ice breaker for some pretty cool stuff that happened at a later date. I was mortified at the time, trying to aplogize and not seem like some creepy lech but they both thought it was funny as hell.
There was this chick I was boning for a while who would queef a few minutes after having sex. It was pretty damn weird hearing it.
doggy style was getting pretty intense when my boyfriend slipped out and quickly slipped (more like jackhammered) back in... the wrong fucking door it hurt like a motherfucker, needless to say. i immediately started crying and we were done for the night.
haha yeah that shit happens. I remember my ex cried when we first tried anal (sober) I don't even wan't to know what it felt like.
that's happened to me a few times, until one girl accidentally discovered she liked it, and told me to keep going at it.
this one time i was camping with another couple, and we were banging our girls in seperate tents after a night of drinking. i'm a very occasional drinker, especially when it comes to liquor, and since we were camping i got pretty drunk. my buddies girl was easily half as good looking as mine. mine was probably a 7.5, his being less than 5. we both have better looking ladies now. anyway in my drunken state i started shouting the name of my friends girl, and i'm not even very vocal in the sac so this was pretty out of character. normally this would be a very awkward and terrible situation, but me and this girl were together for some time and when i realised the name i was saying we just had a good laugh about it. she knew i wasn't at all attracted to the other girl, and was just drunk as fuck. she was a cool chick. i'm lucky enough to not have encountered any gross sexual moments, even in my longest relationships. i'm sure i'll have my day though haha
I feel like I post this fuckin' story everywhere, and it's the one that basically killed all my self-esteem, but Mairuzu is a good guy, and he likes to laugh, so: I was in Cuba at a resort in March '08, on a grad trip with my graduating class. There were like a hundred other grad classes there from around Canada. So I got real drunk one night, and decided to go dancing. Got down to the club, lit up a cigarette and proceeded to drunkenly grind like... I dunno 4-5 girls maybe. Then this drop dead gorgeous blonde gets all up on me, and starts feelin' my balls, so I start feelin' her up and BAM, before you know it, we were making out and were quite possibly the spectacle of the dance floor. So, she whispers in my ear, albeit drunkenly: "Hey, do you wanna get outta here?" I, being a dude, said yes because I totally knew what that meant. I swear to you, Mairuzu, I was in that club for 5-7 minutes and left with this girl, lol. We were talking, and then we introduced ourselves since our informal meeting didn't suffice... turns out she went to my cousin's high school and was friends with him, so there's extra pressure... >> Got to my room, got naked, started some foreplay. It was pretty awesome, until... my penis decided to not work. 12 beers will do this to you. I frantically attempted to think sexy thoughts. She tried helping, but for some reason, it still didn't work! When that failed, I rushed to the bathroom and tried to manually get it up. I peered back out and she was lying there, touchin' herself waiting for me. Literally, I tried for 5 minutes, and when I went back out, she was leaving. Clothed and ready to go, because apparently I'm a FUCKING LOSER. I was enraged with the adrenaline and strength of several Hellish overseers, so I punched a hole in my wall and basically yelled real loud. Went back to the bar to get more hammered, and on the way there, one of my roomies for the trip staggers up to me and says: "DUDE I saw that, did you get laid?" And I punched that cunt in the face and knocked him out. He got laid... laid the FUCK out. As for me, I broke down into a drunken mess o' course, and then went to my room and passed out. Next morning, my two friends came up to me. I was sitting all alone in the cafe, at 8 in the morning with no hangover, sipping on a coffee, staring absentmindedly into space. I probably looked insane. One guy says: "I heard what happened last night, man... if it's any console to you, I got my cock bitten... hard." And now, 2 years later, I am still traumatized by this incident and it shows.
awwww poor guy!! that sucks, WHL!! here's another one. now at this time in my life I was quite a bit more wild than I am now, and was consuming much more alcohol and xanax than any reasonable adult should, which is the only exuse I can give for this hilarious situation. me and my best girl friend at the time were partying one night, with a handle of captain and multiple xanax bars. the night was pretty uneventful until that last fateful .5 mg we randomly bought off of some guy at about 3 o'clock in the morning. why we thought we need to be more barred out is beyond me. the next thing I can remember is making out on my friends couch (at her parents house) with this guy I had been hanging out with that night. it's getting late now, late to the point were it is now very, very early. dude had to leave, that's cool, whatev, I'm left by myself on the couch, really fucked up and bored. soo I decide to go see what my friend and her man were doing.. next thing I know, I'm joining in with what they're doing and so commences a threesome with my gorgeous blonde best friend and the guy she is talking to at the time. all goes well, we have our fun, and the sun is starting to come up and we are tirrrrrrrrred. my friend and I are laying in bed sans clothing and the dudeman is out of bed, pulling his boxers on when her door swings open and a head pops in. through our groggy drunken sleep deprived eyelids, who else do we see, but her MOM, who proceeds to yell at the guy until he runs out and then drags my friend out to the kitchen to lecture her. what a walk of shame that was...