General relationship advice

[arcadianskies77]

This year is the first time where I've made any progress whatsoever in the female department, which for me is more of a small cubby tucked away in the corner of my life as opposed to a full-fledged department. I know that throughout history there have been, are, and will be others in this same predicament, but what separates the lonely and the single from those who are involved in relationships comes down to what people choose to do about it. I feel like I'm at a crossroads here of sorts, I've been done with despairing for a while now but my course of action isn't clear.

With that I'll admit that over the past couple of years I've skimmed through a lot of advice from different sources concerning how to attract women. The problem I've found is that the majority of the advice I see is tailored towards turning me into some kind of superpimp with the "inner game" to seduce women to a point where they're unable to resist me. In and of itself, that doesn't sound like too bad of a deal right? Most of the advice I see echoes the same technique essentially: being cocky and funny. Now those things make sense to me, but only one of them (humor) comes naturally to me. And to complicate things, a lot of this advice revolves around ground rules that include: lying to women about availability, concealing true emotions, and generally deceiving those who I am interested in dating. An important part of my personality to me is that I'm very grounded and honest, and I'm wondering if sacrificing some of this is what it will take to hit the ground running in the dating world.

So I'm just curious if other people here have been through this before and have done something about it with success. I know that if I continue to spend my free time doing what I've always done I'm not going to be getting anywhere. At the same time I realize I really enjoy time by myself and I'm sometimes content spending the entire day just listening to music and surfing the Internet or playing games. Have other similar people found a balance? Are others going through this right now and what are you doing about it?

P.S. I should add that I'm not butt ugly, but that I have social anxiety.

[zoranj]

don't have any advice.. but just wanted to let you you aren't alone in this at all, but you seem to already know that.

I'm basically in the exact same position. Even down to the social anxiety part.

[Big Flips]

I wrote out something long and complex, but forgot where I was going...

It summed up to this: Don't deviate from your core values, because the people you would attract by warping your personality into something you don't want to be is probably someone you aren't going to be truly happy with. At least that's how I try to behave.

Stay strong bro, things will work out.

[Kerouacian]

I'm exactly like you. I had a girlfriend for a while in high school but broke up with her because I felt I get along better single. That being said I can't really give you any advice but I can tell you that I'm not going to sacrifice the things I believe in and the way that I am to get with chicks. Sometimes I want to just hook up but I don't care enough to try to do it. If I happen on to something I'll take the opportunity, if not, whatever. Truly hope this helps man.

[ImBroken]

i'm the same. don't actively seek out women. when you meet a girl, don't hit on her. just be chill with her like you're chill with your buddies. eventually the perfect girl will come along. it happened to me last year. she was incredible. we were definitely into each other and, like the fool i am, i let her go. dont let it get to your head. just do what you do and life will work itself out.

[Salvial]

Social anxiety is a stupid complex I have to deal with too. I have an incredibly warped self complex, there's times when I think I look great and other times when I conjure up some fucked up image of myself and convince myself to think it's accurate. It's hard to explain, but just another one of those things.

The first step is to be aware of the problem, you've got that down. Now you have to deal with reality.

Social anxiety humbles you tremendously and naturally, this is great if you're one of them ego dissolving folk, but bad for anyone that wants to appear apparently and noticeably confident. The solution needs to be a counterbalance in the confidence section achieved by knowing who you are and where you stand on things. When you become passionate about more and more things you'll find ways to incorporate them into conversation to avoid those painfully quiet and awkward moments that can occur and ruin attraction.

Secondly, you need to relax, RELAX. Soothing music is a MUST, I'll recommend Radiohead's Kid A album and Sigur Ros' Untitled album. Make time in your day to sit and relax, being a stoner is great for this. Sitting relaxing and thinking things over is great, but don't get overwhelmed with negative feelings.

Thirdly, this is a hard one, realize that

it's all just a ride.

Lastly, NEVER compromise yourself. Always be true to your soul and live from love and peace, not fear.

That's the best advice I can give.

[Baloobas]

i know exapctly what you guys mean. if im going to a party or somethingi'd get heaps exited about meeting a girl or something and when i get there i get nervous and get really drunk or really high and pass out

[zoranj]

^^^ umm....... no

[Baloobas]

Originally Posted by zoranj

^^^ umm....... no

yeah sorry i should have explained what i mean better.
what i was trying to say is that everytime i get an opportunity for a relationship i somehow (not on purpose) find some way to ruin it. i get nervous when i talk to girls i like and rarely go out to a party because i hate being around people i dont know

[eldude-arino]

Well, for starters, it's not cockiness woman are attracted to, it's confidence. There is a difference. Taking the advice you've read and going against your stated core values (morals) would be the worst thing to do. It may work for a while, but soon enough you'll be confused as to whether the people you're attracting (new friends or females) like you for the "front" you've put up or actually like you for you.

My best advice is to just be yourself (as cliché as it sounds).... if that means you meet a girl at a party and you feel uncomfortable talking to her in your current surroundings tell her so and ask if she'd like to step outside. Or, if you're not at a party and the scenario doesn't allow you to leave, ask if you can call her sometime and finish the convo... or better yet, take her out (coffee, lunch, whatever) and continue.

Be courageous, you'll never get anywhere if you see a girl you're attracted to but let your nerves keep you from approaching her. That's where confidence comes in, if you have the confidence and composure to walk across a food court at the mall and introduce yourself then you've already "proven" yourself in her eyes.

Let's say you shuffle across said café, hands in pockets, looking at the ground or have darting glances all over the place.... this doesn't exude confidence. Thus, you've already given her all the reason she needs to think you aren't worthy of her. Now, if you were to compose yourself as you walk over, make eye contact (w/o staring), have good posture (shoulders back, head held up), have a deliberate gate, she'll be far more interested in finding out who you or listening to what you have to say. She'll feel your confidence.

If you should see a girl in the mall, book store, library, wherever (I'd keep it to somewhere you won't likely run in to her often) that you find attractive, practice this... if you get shot down, seriously, who cares!?! The likelihood of you marrying a random girl you meet in the mall is slim to none, but you'll start to see what it feels like to break out of your shell and ignore your inhibitions. If you're there with your friends and they give you shit for not getting a number, laugh with 'em and when they start to let it die, prod them back.... shrug your shoulders at 'em and say "at least I've got the balls to go after what I want"... not in an asshole way, just a matter of fact tone of voice. If you DO get the number, find out when she'll be available and if that works for you let her know you'll call the day before to make the plans.

[Big Flips]

Originally Posted by eldude-arino

Well, for starters, it's not cockiness woman are attracted to, it's confidence. There is a difference. Taking the advice you've read and going against your stated core values (morals) would be the worst thing to do. It may work for a while, but soon enough you'll be confused as to whether the people you're attracting (new friends or females) like you for the "front" you've put up or actually like you for you.

My best advice is to just be yourself (as cliché as it sounds).... if that means you meet a girl at a party and you feel uncomfortable talking to her in your current surroundings tell her so and ask if she'd like to step outside. Or, if you're not at a party and the scenario doesn't allow you to leave, ask if you can call her sometime and finish the convo... or better yet, take her out (coffee, lunch, whatever) and continue.

Be courageous, you'll never get anywhere if you see a girl you're attracted to but let your nerves keep you from approaching her. That's where confidence comes in, if you have the confidence and composure to walk across a food court at the mall and introduce yourself then you've already "proven" yourself in her eyes.

Let's say you shuffle across said café, hands in pockets, looking at the ground or have darting glances all over the place.... this doesn't exude confidence. Thus, you've already given her all the reason she needs to think you aren't worthy of her. Now, if you were to compose yourself as you walk over, make eye contact (w/o staring), have good posture (shoulders back, head held up), have a deliberate gate, she'll be far more interested in finding out who you or listening to what you have to say. She'll feel your confidence.

If you should see a girl in the mall, book store, library, wherever (I'd keep it to somewhere you won't likely run in to her often) that you find attractive, practice this... if you get shot down, seriously, who cares!?! The likelihood of you marrying a random girl you meet in the mall is slim to none, but you'll start to see what it feels like to break out of your shell and ignore your inhibitions. If you're there with your friends and they give you shit for not getting a number, laugh with 'em and when they start to let it die, prod them back.... shrug your shoulders at 'em and say "at least I've got the balls to go after what I want"... not in an asshole way, just a matter of fact tone of voice. If you DO get the number, find out when she'll be available and if that works for you let her know you'll call the day before to make the plans.

ALL OF THIS. You need to be my wingman eldude.