Critter?!?

[Big Poppa Puff]

I just remembered that I have been picking on Bud Head for a while now and its time to "spread the love" around. Critter is one of my dearest and oldest mates at this board, but he needs some jokes told on him or some other form of mild teasing. Nothing too serious, just some good harmless critter jokes so we get to see Mr Hyde/Critter 2 pop up again.

So if anybody has any critter jokes, pop 'em here while he's sleeping today and when he wakes up tomorrow in Australia, he'll know how much us bloody Yanks like him.

I'll go first!

Critter and his amte were walking down a wombat trail one day when they saw a kangaroo stuck in the bush. As hard as the Roo struggled, he just couldn't free himself. As he twisted and turned, his tail waved high in the air showing his ass to the world.

The mate turned to critter and said "Damn Mate, I wish that was a women there instead of a kangaroo, we'd be having a good time right now!"

Critter replied " I just wished it was dark right now, so nobody could see us!"


LOL!!!!!

[NdicaBud]

LMAO....high guys...

[Bud Head]

HahhahahahahaLOL

BPP where do these jokes come from????

[Bud Head]

OK here it goes!!!


Critters wife is a little on the deaf side. The only way critter could get his wife to have sex with him was to softly ask his wife at night, do you want to go to sleep or what. Being a little deaf she would reply WHAT!!!! LMAO


He has accused his wife of being hard of hearing for a long time. He was at the drs office and told the dr that he thought his wife needed a hearing aid.

The dr told critter to ask his wife something while standing 20 feet behind her. If she doesn't answer you move to 15 feet.

Critter went home and did what the dr told him. he asked his wife "whats for supper" At 20 feet she did not answer. At 15 feet she did not answer. At 10 fet she did not answer. At 5 feet she turned around and yelled " for the 4th damn time chicken"!!

LMAO!!! Nice ones

[NdicaBud]

you guys crack me up good sometimes,right when I need it...lol...cool as hell...

[Big Poppa Puff]

Originally posted by Bud Head
HahhahahahahaLOL

BPP where do these jokes come from????

Under the roots of my curly hair.

Where is the safest place to hide extra cash from critter at his house?

In his work boots.


That's a joke that's floating around the plant right now.

[Big Poppa Puff]

Critter, I just downloaded a bunch of Aussie jokes but don't know which ones to post.

A lot about Pauline Hanson Bruce Ruxton Arthur Tunstall and the One Nation Party, Abos and Wogs, and Sheep and Roo shagging jokes. (please explain these terms to me)

Here's a good one:

American: Drinks weak, pissy-tasting beer
Canadians: Drinks strong, pissy-tasting beer
Pommy: Drinks warm, beer-tasting piss
Aussie: Drinks anything with alcohol in it!

AND:

Why Did John Howard get kicked out of an Amsterdam Brothel on his most recent visit to Europe?

He asked if he could pay with Australian Dollars!

LMAO!!!! Where do you get these racists jokes, any on jews/cubans/blacks (no offense to any but there some damn good jokes on them) well for that fact any on americans? i likr the jokes about states/countrys/race and so on

[Bud Head]

LMAO

[Big Poppa Puff]

I assumed that the one nation party was rascist, but most of those jokes were derogatory against her. I couldn't tell about abos or wogs because those jokes were lumped in with the "You might be a redneck if....' section. Sorry to offend anyone with calling them out . Ignorant on my part and that is where rascism lives is in ignorance. Better to bring them out in the sunlight because evil only thrives in darkness.

Here goes the others.....

An American tourist is visiting the Outback when he spots a man shagging a sheep. Upset my this display of bestiality, he heads to a bar to get a drink. On arriving at the bar he sees a one-legged man masterbating furiously on the front porch of the bar.

The tourist enters the bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks heim what is the matter. The tourist replies that he has seen both a sheep shagger and a one-legged man wacking off.

" Fair Dinkum, Mate" answers the bartender "You Yanks can't expect a one-legged man to catch a sheep?"

[Big Poppa Puff]

And another.....

A British researcher is sent Down Under to study sheep shagging. He asks an Aussie rancher on his preferred method of sheep shagging. The Aussie replies " Well, mate. I stick each hind leg in a Wellie and I throw the front legs over a fence."

He then asks a Kiwi on his prefered method and he also replies " I stick each hind leg in a Wellie (best damn rubber boots in the world) and I throw the front legs over a fence."

Then the Brit aska a Tasmanian on his prefered method of sheep shagging. "Well, I stick each hind leg in my Wellies and throw the front legs over my shoulders."

"That's odd." replies the Pommy "Why don't you throw the front legs over a fence like evryone else?"

"What, and miss out on all the kissing!" replies the Tas.

And with this one I think its time we started telling jokes on some one else. Whom should it be????? Unoit, Smokieokie, Bud Head, Nubbin, or the Dutch??? ANY volunteers or recommendations?

[420girlie]

Originally posted by critter
between the horses arse and the sheep kissing l,am starting to get excited, roflmao [/b]

Now Critter, I don't think BPP appreciates the name calling very much

How about Nubbin, or maybe ones on yourself :P

[smokinokie]

You have permission to come up here and whup my ass. Or send me the money for a plane ticket (American $'s please) and I'll come down there and you can whup my ass then we can get fucked up and you can show me around.



Critter in his younger days was in the French Foreign Legion.
He was stationed in the desert for months at a time. Being a testosterone charged lad that would one day turn into the dirty ol' man we all know and love, he really missed the company of women.


One day, when he could stand it no more, he asked his captain;


"OY! What in the bloody hell do you blokes do for female companionship around here?"


The captain replied, "Well, you see that ladder over there?"


Critter nodded.

"And do you see that camel over there?"


"THAT'S THE BLOODY MOST DISGUSTING THING I'VE EVER HEARD OF IN ME LIFE!!! NO WAY I'LL EVER BE THAT HARD UP!!" Critter loudly proclaimed.


He lasted about two more weeks.

Then, late one night after all the troops had gone to bed, he took a shower, brushed his teeth, found some flowers, and went to see the camel. He decided to call her Matilda. He gave Matilda the flowers, engaged her in some small talk, then went and got the ladder and climbed up behind her. He was just starting to get really busy when his captain came around the corner.


"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"



After he fell off the ladder and got Mr. Winky put away he said, "That's what you told me you guys did when you couldn't handle no sex any longer!


"No! No! No! What we do is get that ladder, get on the camel and ride it to the whorehouse over that hill!"