My turn to bitch about life (not really marijuana related)

[KraziHare]

hey guys, I've been feeling kind of down lately and have been doing a lot of thinking. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for my first mushroom trip in about a week, so I've been generally introspective as of late, almost to the point of selfcenteredness (is that a word?). Basically I spent a while today simply writing about myself. It really is a doozy of a rant and may take a while to read, Basically I want you guys to critique my logic as well as my conclusion. Tell me how I'm thinking wrong and what I got right. if you don't wanna go through the whole thing (I don't know if I'd have the patience myself) please at least pick apart the pieces that seem interesting to you. Any advice is welcome and well apreciated. Oh, and one more thing, there's some pretty personal stuff in there but considering that I generally trust you guys and don't personally know any of you I'm not afraid to share it. I got my inspiration by simply looking around. Here it is:

Surroundings

Every once in a while I look at my surroundings and become amazed at how much they reflect my personality. A glass bowl and a lighter resting upon a Douglas Adams book, a mountain dew can next to that, a whole lot of books that I never finished reading. The most prevelant thing being the general neglect and disorder present throughout my room. As much as I'd like to think otherwise (both from denial and simply not wanting to believe that life can work this way) all of it does bare a direct correlation to my current state of mind and lifestyle. I'm both amazed and disgusted by these thoughts. I often become almost giddy (yes, giddy) at the thought of how different I am, I truly do what I want with my own little space. This feeling almost as often subsides to an awful feeling of failure, the kind of feeling that causes you to close your eyes and cringe for a moment, well, it makes me to do that anyway. After either taking a couple deep breaths or spouting out some random string of profanity mixed with nonsense phrases that reflect that particular feeling very well, it goes away and I can move on. Cleaning my room isn't an option for me. I honestly don't want to bring order to my surroundings, which is odd considering that in many other situations that's my first and most basic impulse. In a lot of ways I'm almost obsessive/compulsive about things. A cup or dish with a bit of crud on it is unusable to me. And don't even get me started on little bits of crud that actually end up in my food. The confusing part is how I'll take that crusty plate with the crusty food and eat at least some of it anyway then discard it in the particularly crusty little corner of my room to gain more crust (among other things). So I suppose i could say that it's now become my nature to go againt my nature. I am definitely a person of contradictions, some of them disgustingly frustrating even to me, I often imagine how I must seem to others. Perhaps this is just my own little way of being special, I haven't exactly done anything spectacularly original for quite some time (if ever), and I'm not really in the process of creating anything that could reasonably be called 'above average'. Or maybe it's more of a basic human thing. Leaving my own discarded waste (the sorts of pop cans, pencil shavings, and food wrappers, not actual human waste) around is just a way to mark my territory. You walk into my room and you can instantly tell what kind of person lives here. If you actually know me it becomes even more telling, though I doubt anyone I don't know ever comes into my room (I'd certainly hope not). I even put crap up on my walls (I already told you, there is no actual human fecal matter in my room, to my knowledge...). No, I couldn't just slap up some posters like other people, I had to spend countless hours taping things up to my wall. It's all pretty similar to the things I have lying around my room too. A mountain dew label, various things related to marijuana (some more obvious than others) and I'm sure there's something to do with Douglas Adams as well. Not to mention the other four square feet dedicated to the things that interest me. Heh, that is like me isn't it? I start taping things to my wall that interest me in particular and then try damned hard to think of it as some kind of art. I guess it is just generally interesting though, the people that look at it that aren't simply perplexed as to why I would put a bunch of weird drawings and magazine clippings on my wall tend to spend a lot of time analyzing it, staring at it. Perhaps for some reason it's easy for certain people to decipher it's purpose, to make you think. When i started it I had a seperate, and probably more nobel purpose too. Though I didn't realize it at the time it was all part of a healing process, I needed some kind of project that I could turn to when I was struck by that horrible inner demon that likes to be adressed as 'lack of motivation'. On a directly related note I now realize that my almost daily lack of motivation is more than pig-headed laziness. It's my own form of depression, and it gets bad sometimes. When it hits I don't feel worthless or dumb like a lot of people do, nor do I strike out at others. I simply don't see any reason to do anything, even the things I love. When I allow myself (if I ever even have that much control over it) to sink into this state of mind there are few things I can convince myself to do, much less what I probably should be doing. Usually this consists of television, masturbation, or whatever little thing I can do to keep occupied without actually accomplishing anything. I can't even make myself read a book (something I've always loved to do) a lot of the time. Every once in a while it won't go away unless some outside factor brings me out of it. When this happens it can last for days, even weeks. That's when the people around me become affected as well. I understand how they can become angry with me, it really does seem like i'm just shitting around and trying to avoid my problems, which is true to some extent, I'm avoiding them because I can't bring myself to take care of them whether or not I know how. This doubled with my problems paying attention in general (possible ADD) make for a very bad situation. My patern of depression matches that of your classic manic depressive, I'm pretty sure I have bipolar disorder. All of this together mixed with my genuine problems (by that I mean the ones that don't originate from within) has made things more difficult than most people could imagine. People like to ask me 'why' a lot, thinking that perhaps I'm simply lacking some kind of common sense. In fact I believe myself to be a rather wise person, for my age. Most of the things I do are against my better judgement, as I more or less stated earlier. I know that I shouldn't, I know why I shouldn't, it's just a matter of will. Often times my mind will be racing, i'll feel as if I could do anything, and honestly, if I could keep that state of mind permanently I think I could. I'm pretty sure that's part of the whole bipolar thing, but for some unfortunate reason my downs last much, much longer than my ups. There are many possible solutions, the thing is that I doubt I can work out the specific combination of things that would work, and keep working, not without some kind of long struggle. To summarize: I have depression problems, quite probably bipolar disorder, attention problems, as well as a basic mental instability that I haven't even really adressed here. If it's true that my surroundings are a direct reflection of my mind, not just the way I percieve them but also how I alter them, then perhaps the opposite is also true. My mind is a reflection of my surroundings. The last time I was able to pull myself out of this horrible stagnant rut it started with me cleaning up myself as well as my imediate surroundings. I think I'll clean my room tomorrow.

[MrsDingusus]

good idea

[flowerchild420]

"My mind is a reflection of my surroundings."........this statement is indeed a very true thing. KraziHare........your words were actually kinda poetic to me and brought tears to my eyes. Your mind and perceptions of life can be the biggest personal hell that you will ever have to battle to overcome. But what you said made alot of sense. One's surroundings say something about the person that you are. It's kinda like expressing yourself without having to say anything. I do hope you find the inner peace that you seem to be searching for. To find yourself is the greatest gift that you could ever be given. May good karma find its way to you as I'm sending it now!!!!!!!

[highawatha]

wow.
once,....i sat alone at the top of the highest hill i could get to with the sun drying the tears on face and found a piece of myself i thought was long gone.

instead of pop cans sitting atop my unread books its baby clothes halloween costumes and childrens shoes
peace

[KraziHare]

thanks you for the kind words people
And Flowerchild, it really does help to know that this makes sense to someone besides me.

[xplicitcontent]

hey, u from illinois, u from chicago? Im in the nortthern suburbs

[KraziHare]

Yes, actually, i live in Rockford, how'd you know?

[xplicitcontent]

cuz in my "where u represent?" post, u posted illinois. anyways, im tired, gonna weed nap

[IGotTheCottons]

i know what you're going through with the depression and all... i used to be manic depressive... stupid shrink... anywayz, the answer may not come right away, but changing your surroundings could help. a lot of it has to do with changing how you view things. try looking at life differently... notice the 'little things' in life more... i dunno, it sounds weird, but (for me anyway) it helps

good luck friend

[TECHN9NE]

i hear what your sayin krazyhare, i look at that story and istantly see myself as bieng something of the same thing that you are, i almost feel like you were describing a summary of my day to day life, im on vaca right now and none of the freinds are in town and for the past week ive sat by myself everyday, and feel the same thing that you are feeling, now i have to begin my second week of sitting by myself ... fake face

[TECHN9NE]

oh yeah and two day ago i had cleaned my room wich was starting to smell of hundreds of dead patato bugs and, i moved my room around (furniture wise, and it seemed to help a little bit, try the room cleaning and rearranging. j.a.s.

[PrimaryLotus]

Damn TECHN9NE must be an archaeologist because this shit is ancient.

[SuburbanKMK101]

Originally Posted by TECHN9NE

i hear what your sayin krazyhare, i look at that story and istantly see myself as bieng something of the same thing that you are, i almost feel like you were describing a summary of my day to day life, im on vaca right now and none of the freinds are in town and for the past week ive sat by myself everyday, and feel the same thing that you are feeling, now i have to begin my second week of sitting by myself ... fake face

wow..you actually dug up a 3-4-5 year old thread.

[Oz.]

This is very odd because I have the same problem as you have. I cannot find motivation for things besides masturbation, CPU, and MJ. It got so bad I had to stop smoking because it was becoming such a dependancy for me. Just find the things that you are depending on (such as your masturbation and television) and try to stop. Yeah, I said stop masturbation... Why? Because it's distracting you from the things that will make you happy, like reading. Things like television, masturbation and MJ only bring temporary happiness. But when you finish a book you feel accomplished and knowledgable. We are very much alike because I LOVE TO READ but recently found myself not reading a book, which is very rare, so I forced myself to go to the library and I literall just took every book that interested me and figured I'd get into at least one and feel satisfied. Also, I think you are struggling mentally and I'm not religious at all but I find reading Buddhist writings by Thich Nhat Hanh very inspiring and helpful. He is one of the most popular Buddhist writers and his information is very helpful for bringing peace to your mind and your surroundings which I think may be something you struggle with. Finding peace within yourself is the first step to creating a peaceful life. I'm working through the same problems you have right now. About a month ago I was in your situation, but since I've dropped some habbits that were not helping and started doing things I felt would make me happy and more peaceful I find myself enjoying life much more. Also, make sure the people you surround yourself with will not cause you pain. One thing I've found is that whenever I'd feel insecure around people and feel disliked I'd become very depressed because I have a hard time accepting the fact that sometimes people just don't like you for whatever reason and it's very hard for someone like me who is sensative to understand.


Anyways, keep it up. It's a tought battle to fight through and just remember that everyone has good times and bad times. It's part of life. Just think about the good times and understand that there will be more. I did shrooms under the same state of mind as you and it actually helped me because I realized how silly I was acting. I dunno how you will react but it had a positive effect on me.


Oz.

[420 stoner 420]

ok, i'm about to read that, here's advice: when you are writing a really huge whatever it's always a good idea to put in breaks every 5 or 6 sentences instead of having a huge wall of text.

like this. it's so much easier to read. ok time to read that.

edit: oh this thread is ancient. it mentions the greek conquest of thracia