Pot smoking and kids

[Laveda]

I have used pot in the past as a youth and a few times after my divorce when I met my boyfriend. I realized that it was something I wanted to stop and have done so.
The problem is that my boyfriend is an occasional user and his son who visits is a heavy user. My 14 year old daughter and I moved in with my boyfriend a year ago and the pot use in the house has been a problem for me. I have tried to be tolerant and have asked that it not take place in the house and that any pariphanalia be kept out of site because of my daughter.

Now I find out that my daughter has been smoking pot for awhile. She has always known my feelings on smoking pot and knows how I hate the fact that my wishes concerning its usage have been ignored. I now want to ban it totally which is causing a big problem. What advice do you have for me in regards to letting my child know that it is not ok for her to be smoking pot when others in the house think its ok and are fighting me on keeping it out of the house?

[skidoo]

Why do you want to (attempt to) "ban it totally?"

[Laveda]

How can I attempt to keep my daughter who again is only 14 away from pot use if I allow it to be used by others in the house. I know I can't stop her from using outside of the home but I can say it won't be done in the home. I have an x husband who would love to know this information so he could take her away from me.

[HerbsINtheBurbs]

First off, thank you for the willingness to come onto a potsmokers forum to ask this question. In my opinion, that takes some guts as a parent.

The first thing you have to acknowledge is that, despite your best efforts, it is likely that no one (except yourself) in your household is going to stop smoking. However, I can totally understand you asking your boyfriend to keep pot away from your daughter, as well as the paraphaenalia. There is something wrong there, in my opinion, if he can't respect such a simple wish. He should also be able to lay down the law with his son, and tell him to just not smoke with your daughter. If your daughter also does not want to go back to your ex, make it clear that is what could happen were she busted on your property, so forbid her using it in the house. Ask the boyfriend to keep it on the low low (by a vaporizer as a peace offering ). And make sure he has his son do the same. I can't think of a more reasonable way to approach this, if you're living with reasonable people.

[Laveda]

Thank you for your input. I didn't think I was being to unreasonable.

[allsmokedank]

Originally Posted by HerbsINtheBurbs

First off, thank you for the willingness to come onto a potsmokers forum to ask this question. In my opinion, that takes some guts as a parent.

i second that, nice way to think outside the box.

i think all you can do is talk to your daughter about it, and instead of argueing, inform her.
there is really no way that you can force her to quit (in a human manner anyway), so instead you should teach her all there is to know, (you are already on this site, everything you need is right here)

in the end, she is a teenage girl, she's basically gonna do what she wants, just don't let her make a choice without knowing anything about it.

[GreenLantern420]

I think, the major issue you wan't to get through your daughter, is the difference between marijuana and 'hard drugs'. Just be honest when you talk to her. Like it has been said, you cannot get her to quit at your will. But if she understands the importance of not using hard drugs, and the importance of moderation in her MJ use she can atleast become a responsible user.

And as for you not wanting your boyfriend to smoke in the house, and to hide his paraphenalia(sp?), there is nothing unreasonable about that, at all.

[skidoo]

Originally Posted by Laveda

How can I attempt to keep my daughter who again is only 14 away from pot use if I allow it to be used by others in the house.

Do you keep alcohol in the house?

I know I can't stop her from using outside of the home but I can say it won't be done in the home.

Absolutely. You're the boss.

I have an x husband who would love to know this information so he could take her away from me.

Ahh. Understood. That changes things. (I'm a divorced dad of 2)

Here's what I might do. Get everyone together, sit them down, and explain how you understand that they like smoking weed, and that's OK and all, but here's the lowdown:

1. I don't want to lose my daughter.
   
2. Smoking marijuana is illegal. The laws might be silly, but they're on the books. And a consequence of willfully violating those laws could be the loss of custody of my daughter. It's not worth it.
   
3. New rule: Smoking weed is forbidden, period. I hope you understand.
   
4. Make sure they all understand that you're imposing this new rule not because you want to make them miserable, but because you want to avoid the very real possibility of losing custody of your daughter.
   
5. Tell your boyfriend that you're sorry, but if he and his son can't live with those rules, then either they or you will have to live somewhere else.

Unless they're total dicks, your boyfriend and his son should understand. If not, then you've got some serious soul-searching to do, I suppose.

I dunno. I guess all I'm really saying is try to appeal to their sense of decency. It's not really about the pot. It's more about your desire as a parent. Which is perfectly reasonable. If oxygen was a potential obstacle to my relationship with my kids, I'd cut it out of my life.

P.S. - I hope the above doesn't sound condescending. And sorry you don't have the sort of relationship with your ex where y'all could openly talk about something like this. As nutty as my ex is, we do both have a great deal of faith in and respect for each other as parents, and for that I'm super-grateful.

[Laveda]

Thanks to all who have replied. It has been very helpful to me and affirms that I am trying to be reasonable with this issue. Off the subject, do you know how I can change my log in name. I now realize how stupid it was to use my real name as unique as it is.

[skidoo]

Originally Posted by HerbsINtheBurbs

If your daughter also does not want to go back to your ex, make it clear that is what could happen were she busted on your property, so forbid her using it in the house.

I'd have to disagree with this advice. If you're facing custody issues, you have to forbid her from using it period. Now whether you and she have some sort of "understanding" depends on the trust between you and your daughter and the nitty-gritty details of y'all's relationship. But from a domestic law standpoint, you can't be seen as permissive. Not if you've got an ex seriously gunning for you.

Ask the boyfriend to keep it on the low low (by a vaporizer as a peace offering ). And make sure he has his son do the same. I can't think of a more reasonable way to approach this, if you're living with reasonable people.

Again, if the ex has got it in for you, it needs to be understood that you do not under any circumstances condone pot smoking.

[skidoo]

Originally Posted by GreenLantern420

I think, the major issue you wan't to get through your daughter, is the difference between marijuana and 'hard drugs'.

No, the major issue she needs to get through to her daughter and her boyfriend is that a JDR judge is not going make the distinction between marijuana and "hard" drugs. I'm a huge fan of pot, but it ain't worth all that.

[e_eggs]

Before you know it she'll be 15 then 16 and it won't seem like an issue.

[Laveda]

Originally Posted by e_eggs

Before you know it she'll be 15 then 16 and it won't seem like an issue.

Why does it then not become an issue? To me its an issue until she is 18, on her own when she has to deal with the results of her decisions.

[GreenLantern420]

Originally Posted by skidoo

No, the major issue she needs to get through to her daughter and her boyfriend is that a JDR judge is not going make the distinction between marijuana and "hard" drugs. I'm a huge fan of pot, but it ain't worth all that.

Your right, I overlooked that post.

[skidoo]

Originally Posted by Laveda

Why does it then not become an issue? To me its an issue until she is 18, on her own when she has to deal with the results of her decisions.

Yeah, I'm guessing you don't live in Santa Cruz or Amsterdam.