Need advice for a life-changing decision. LONG

Alright, this is a long one but I need some advice for a life-changing decision and as usual I have nowhere to turn to who can hear the whole story AND give an unbiased opinion.

So, I'll introduce myself. I'm George, I'm almost 25 and I'm currently living in my own apartment. I have Muscular Dystrophy, so I don't get around too well. I'm not in a wheelchair yet, but I'll end up facing that before it's over. I have a few good friends but I prefer to keep to myself most of the time. Anyway, now that you know a little about me, let me get into my predicament. I hate it here. I love having a place all to myself, but I hate having to deal with neighbors and trying to keep noise and my weed usage on the DL. I can't have pets here and one of my life's dreams is to grow marijuana, which it would be suicide to do where I live.

My mom and step-dad are currently living in a place they hate, and plan to move as soon as they have the money to afford it. My mom is desperate for me to move in with them. She gets all clingy when I come visit her and is constantly begging me to stay when I have an apartment 15 minutes away. It's ridiculous to have to sleep in a chair for up to a week at a time because she can't stand to let me live in my own home. I'm afraid she's slowly starting to become mentally ill, a few years ago they found lesions on her brain, which could mean Multiple Sclerosis. She also has numerous health issues, including a partial foot amputation due to bone infection. Her memory slips in and out and there are some days she can barely hold a single conversation without asking what the subject was about. Those days are few, but I'm afraid it's only the beginning. I have no idea if it's all the medication she's taking or if it is the start of a serious problem, all I know is something's not right. When she combines weed with her medication, and sometimes even without the weed, she hallucinates shit like furry forest animals scampering everywhere.

So, I guess I'll just hash it out here. If I move with them, I'll most likely get to live out in the country, which I really want. I get to keep a dog or two, which I also really want. And I'd be able to grow cannabis, which is almost like a trifecta of perfect, right? The problem is my mom is crazy and we've had a very.... sordid past, which we have yet to work all the way through, although we have made a few breakthroughs insofar. She's clingy and I'm anti-social. I want to be left the fuck alone, sometimes for days or weeks at a time, and I know that'll never happen if I live there. I get along well with my step-dad for the most part, because we've both had to endure her for so long. I know I'm not going to be able to take care of myself forever, and chances are I'll be in a wheelchair before I'm 30.

This move could put me in a place where I could deal with those things easier, and I would be growing weed as medicine for myself and my mom, who suffers from chronic pain due to fibromyalgia and nerve damage. If I got a good enough grow going, I'm hoping I could get her to substitute marijuana for a lot of her pain pills and make it easier on her body and on expenses. I would be doing her a great service as the only one of her kids who has ever cared enough to take care of her since her health has declined. I'd have a place to grow weed, raise my dogs and read books in peace, and I've realized that's really all I want to do with my life. I just don't know if I can handle the territory that goes with it. As a plus, my step-dad and mom have already cleared my growing, and if it works out well enough, I will get a shed just for the grow.

My mom and I had to work through a lot just to be able to be around each other for more than a few hours. When I first moved out of her house I was so depressed I would have committed suicide if I'd stayed much longer. The few times I returned to that house I was so anxious it made me physically sick, and I knew it was because I couldn't bear to be back under her roof, back within the sphere of her influence. Time passed and I began to learn how to let go of some things, and when they moved out of that house I began to patch things up with her. It's been a rough road and the work's not nearly done, but I think we have made some real progress. I just don't know if it'll be enough to make that step.

I have no idea when this move will be taking place, it could be as soon as this summer or it could take a few years. I don't have to decide directly and there's time to maybe work more shit out with my mom.

TL/DR: If I move with my parents I pretty-much get what I want in life but... It means moving in with my parents... I don't know if it's worth the sacrifice or not. Please don't bother commenting if you didn't read

 

Yeah, boundaries would definitely be set long before anything came of it. Props for the advice on being careful about the grow, there would be iron-clad rules about the subject long before I ever had a seed sprouting. I know I can trust him with the secret, and as for her, well I guess it might be a gamble. I think I can trust her but with her memory slipping if I had to explain to her all the time that she can't be tellin' people shit about growing it would be a problem. She's not lost her mind yet folks, she's still more-or-less with it, she just has those moments where it becomes clear that things arent the way they used to be. I don't think it would be a problem keeping their mouths shut on the subject.

As much as I'd like to see the world, I'll never be able to afford any kind of trip. I'm barely able to afford weed and it's the only thing that keeps me sane anymore. Yeah, my mom holds me back some, but worse is the fact that I've let her. Lately I have enjoyed visiting with her and my step-dad. We have a good time and tend to get along anymore, and as things have been the last year or three I've ended up spending a lot of time there taking care of them because she's not supposed to be on her feet much and he works nights so I would cook and clean and shit, make sure he had supper before he had to go to work and such. I like to cook and like having people to cook for. I guess I let myself be talked into sticking around longer than I'd planned, but it's not as if I have much of a life to be imposed upon. More often than not I'd rather be alone. I sit in my apartment and smoke weed, listen to music, read books and watch movies, poke around on the internet and play an occasional video-game. Hang out with friends/family sometimes. That's the entirety of my life right there and for the things I have to deal with/have had to deal with, I like it this way. But I don't like visiting my parents and being stuck in my parent's uncomfortable house with no space of my own and nowhere comfortable to sit or even sleep. It would be different if I had those things. I guess I'm going to continue testing the waters on the subject, accruing advice here from you fine citizens and see where I end up.

It's possible I will have a say in the place we end up if I'm on board when that time comes. A basement would be perfect for me in terms of living space, but it's unfeasible because of the stairs. I have enough trouble getting around on level ground somedays and climbing up and down stairs every day would just be too much for me to handle.

Really it would be perfect if they got a place and built a shack in the back for me or something, but that's not only expensive but unlikely. We don't know if they'll be able to buy land and build or if they'll have to rent. There's a lot of shit up in the air and nothing is solid yet.

As I mentioned, I'm really anti-social. I don't care to be around people I don't know, period. If I had a place out in the country, especially a place well-suited to what I need, I'd be much happier. All in all I imagine I will end up taking the risk if things are stacked well enough in my favor, but that still depends on working things out with my mom.

One of you mentioned keeping up with my mom because of her health. In honesty that is the only reason I have a relationship with her at all. Because I realized that I wanted to work things out, and I didn't want to regret not doing what I could when she was alive, so when she got really sick I started trying to get results. Gave up several times because I would tear my heart open and she couldn't respond to any of it. Kept at it, her health is better (good as it's getting) and slowly we've managed to make a dent in that iron wall.

I have a hole inside of me because of her. A black hole full of hatred and frustration and blind rage. Over the years the hole grew until it filled nearly all of me. I somehow managed to start shrinking that hole before it consumed me, and it is much smaller now, but it's still there. She has the key to that hole, and at almost every turn she has ended up opening it and casting me into oblivion where I relive the hells of my past inside that black hole over and over again. The saddest part is, I know it's not deliberate but once that door is opened, once that well is uncovered I am swept away by it and all the things I'd learned to let go of dig their hooks in all over again. I'm still pushing, still trying to make that hole smaller and smaller, and it might even be working.

 

You raise a lot of good points here. Depression is my common-place, and it's not going anywhere. Suicidal, however, that was a long fucking time ago. It's not a tendency of mine. I was a completely different person in those days, and that guy wanted nothing more than the sweet release of death. I, however, still have too much to do before I die. There are far too many books I have yet to read. And were I to suddenly regress into that suicidal attitude, I imagine I would be much more successful ending my life if I were here alone.

I know full well that it's all downhill from here. Does that mean I should abandon my mother? The thought of watching her die slowly haunts me, but the thought of being the only one who gives a damn and still turning my back makes me fucking sick.

Believe me, if your idea were possible, moving in with my parents wouldn't be up for discussion. None of my friends are in a position to do anything save one, and he is so strictly anti-marijuana that if he knew I smoked he'd stop being my friend. So growing in his company isn't exactly possible. Not only that, but I've been around too many couples to want to resign myself to third wheel status again. My parents don't really count in this aspect.

The only options I have available are to stay where I am or go when they go. Most of my family has abandoned me, except the worthless ones, they're happy to stick around doing nothing. Most of the people I thought I could count on I'll never be able to rely on when I'm no longer able to take care of myself. I have one sister out of all my siblings who is worth a damn, and I'm pretty sure she's forgotten me. I lived with her before I got my apartment, and things worked out great there but the place was falling apart. My bedroom ceiling leaked and the room was full of so much mold (which I am allergic) it was killing me. I had to leave because our so-called "dad" never got off his ass to fix the place up and my dog is now hers because I couldn't take him here. She is still in that falling-apart trailer and so it's not an option unless she moves, and even if she does they have two daughters now so I doubt she'd want me occupying a room. I may try to talk to her about it, I dunno... Don't even know if they will be moving out of that place before it collapses in on them...

Basically, I have the option of one bite out of either end of a huge shit sandwich. Staying here wouldn't be the end of the world but I'm not a risk taker and so I'm paranoid that sooner or later my weed usage will be discovered. Combine that with a general dislike of my neighbors and the other situations here and it's a lot in the neg column. If I go with them, chances are I will have my boundaries established, they will be crossed and re-crossed then rebuilt. My step-dad and I will have few, if any, problems.

Really I kinda feel like I'm just giving up, but I don't know what else to do. College is out of the question. Even with grants and/or loans, I have no driver's license and will never be able to afford a reliable vehicle. Worse is I don't care about that. I don't trust myself to be in control of something like a car. The college, yeah, that's something I hate to turn away from but I have no options right now.

I only make enough money to get me through the month, one month at a time, and even then it's barely enough to get by. RV is kinda out of the question, but I like the way you're thinking. It's not as if I have to make a choice right away, but it's also something I can't not think about.

 

I intend to do this exactly.

My possibilities have always been limited to the first thing that comes up, because in my experience it's always the only thing to come up.

This whole thing depends on a lot of factors, and for lack of a better phrase, everything has to be just right. That being said, if they had the place tomorrow, or even a month from now I can guarantee I would be staying put. More things have to be worked out before I can even formally decide on the move. If those circumstances are met, then I really don't think it should be much of a problem. I will make sure all boundaries are well-defined long before I commit to anything. I still haven't convinced myself of what I really want to do, one way or the other.

Saving money back in case it doesn't work out is a good idea, I'll be sure to keep some tucked away.

 

Thanks for the input!

1. This is basically phase one, and I've been in the process of expressing how I want things to be. No matter what I WILL have my own space and it will not be invaded by anything or anyone without my express permission. Without this, there is no foundation to build anything else on and I'm staying put. Game over. I'm currently trying to figure out how to explain that it needs to be my house too, not me in my parent's house.

2. I'm not too worried about my mom spilling the beans, I'm just cautious about the subject altogether. Obviously getting caught would fuck my world up exponentially, so I don't plan on taking any chances. She and I talked about a lot of these things the other night, and we've established a line of communication, I think because we both want it to work out. Not much can be said as to what may happen if her mind does slip further and I can no longer trust her. Should that happen I won't have much choice but to either take my chances or scrap the whole operation. Chances are I'd end up packing it in until I was able to pick up where I left off.

Major bonus points for figuring out that the whole thing was a matter of preemptive strategy. It's like you get me, and it's almost spooky

 

We've discussed a lot of options, and I would rather be near-by than on the spot, but it's pretty-well financially impossible. No matter what I have to have my own sanctum, and I should have plenty of say in the matter because she knows if it's not to my liking I will simply not go through with it. Plus the near-by thing's not too much of an option because we are planning on going out into the country, the deeper the better. There won't be anywhere else near-by to consider. At best, they could build something on their land, which would still be suitable for me, but again financially impossible.

I like this idea a lot, and chances are I will have an isolated space, whether inside the home or out. If things work out as well as I hope, I will have a shed in which to do my growing and chances are I will end up spending a lot of time in there. Perhaps I'll get two and link them together for the grow house and a chill room. Get some shelves and line them with jars full of my beautiful buds.

She and my step-dad are both concerned with leaving me behind because they'd be far enough away it would take at least 40 minutes to reach me in case of an accident. As it worked out, when I got the call from my apartment it's only about 15 minutes away from the little town they live in, and over the course of my year+ living here, we have done a lot to help one another out. This move would not only continue our abilities to do that, but it would allow us to do more. Whether that's good or bad has yet to be determined.

 

Yes, you've got most of her symptoms down right there. The only thing I'm worried about is the lesions on her brain being the harbinger of something worse than Fibro-fog. It doesn't help all the mind-altering medication she's on, but that could just be my own bias poking in. I'm sorry to hear you suffer from fibromyalgia as well. Watching my mom suffer through it I understand how hard it is to go through the pain.

Forgiveness has played a big part in my relationship with my mom. If I couldn't forgive her, we never would have made any progress. Without that forgiveness I never would have been able to open up to her about anything. And I know exactly what you mean by holding her accountable with my actions. Sometimes it is my reflex to act as the unforgiving me would have, usually through words and tone of voice, but it gets away from me and I have trouble reigning it in once it gets going. Now that I know where that actually stems from it could be easier to keep in check.

I feel ya with the siblings and such. My two have very little to do with our mother in a real sense of the word. They come around every now and then, bring the kids, but they don't really seem to care. No one managed to get up and do anything but me when she was horribly sick from the antibiotics she was on cuz she had bone infection and two partial amputations. I was the one who stayed there five nights a week when I had my own bed less than 10 miles away to make sure she had what she needed and wasn't up trying to do everything herself. As you said, I am her favorite and she puts all her shit on me. When she started getting sick I was distanced from her and we almost cut ties several times, over stupid shit. Once her health had hit a new low I realized I might not have very long to work something out with her, so I gave it another shot. That was a year and a half ago, and over-all I'd say we've made a lot of real progress. Not enough, but a good-ish chunk.

I knew what I wanted the whole time, but what we want and what we get seldom match up so it's just a matter of weighing everything out. I'm constantly trapped in my head and so things begin to make sense in there that don't work out so well in reality. This thread was created as a buffer so I could bounce the situation off of other people who could possibly give some insight or at least notice a different angle to consider.

And thanks, I hope you get your house and dogs set up soon. Any preferred breed(s)? I'm considering a Welsh Corgi once things get going

 

I'm pretty sure you got a lot of it right there. She used to be a terrible control freak when I was growing up, but the last few years have taught her a lot in letting go.

No matter what I will have what I need if I'm going to be involved in this. We've discussed a few options, but right now everything is speculation, so there is a lot of room for change/improvement. I'm liking the idea of having a big garage to myself, and we had discussed making part of a garage into our grow area, so one half grow and the other for my sanctum, and it'd work out pretty good

Gotta say, I LOVED what you said about the dogs! Two would be ideal, and chances are it'd be doable, but it might be better to start off with one, just to make sure everything is working out, plus the dog(s) have to work out with my parents as well. Plus, once the first one works out it'll be easier to convince them of a second. Or I could show up with two to begin with and be like "Deal with it". I guess it depends on a lot of factors.