My Life.

[SuicidalSpaz]

Hey Guys, Spaz here.

This post won't be about one of my crazy nights or crazy binges. It won't be about dutches or games, or about night time blazing.

This post is coming from my fucked up head, and my cold dead heart.


I don't know what to do anymore. While in Iraq, my interest in Heroin was re-kindled, and I began to use it again. Now it's been a week since I used it, and I've used it every day for about the last 3 months.

I feel like shit, but fuck the Heroin. I've always been depressed, and never knew why. Before Iraq I had nightmares every night. About my past, watching friends die, watching others die on the streets. Thinking about my alcoholic abusive father and the best friend relationship we have now.


I've always tried to hide my feelings, tried to keep them inside. Many people on here know the shit I've been through, and I always say " I'm Okay." At the end of it all.

Well, I'm Not.


My head is fucked up. I can't sleep for more than 45 minutes without having nightmares. I wake up screaming and shaking Every night, atleast twice an hour. I began to try and think about why it was happening.

A friend said something that hit deep while I was on acid. We were talking about my life, and relationships and shit. He said, " Bro, before you can love someone, you gotta love yourself." He's 100% right.

I hate myself. I hate who I've become, Fuck, I don't even know who I WAS anymore. This new person, I don't know who it is.

He acts friendly and amazing on the outside. Every girl says they wish they found a guy who acted like him.

Acted. That's all it is. On the inside, I'm being torn apart. I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Why have I gone through all this shit? Why did I survive Iraq? Why do I still live, despite past attempts to end that. Why?

I lie in bed each night, asking why? Why everything in my life. I'm 19 years old, a grown "man" and I cry myself to sleep every night. The pain, the anger, all the things inside I NEED to deal with, but am too afraid to face.

Face the past, face the present. Instead I hide behind a curtain of drugs, sex, and crazy binges. Every night I do whatever I can to escape reality, just wanting enough time to escape all my pain and hide.

It's a game of Hide and Seek, and I'm always found. I can't do it anymore. I'm in the middle of a break down. Unsure of life, unsure if living is worth it anymore. I thought I broke through a couple weeks ago.

I thought things would get better, and it didn't. I was too unwilling to change and try. I'm too afraid of who I might become next, fearing it could get worse. But while I asked all these Why's and What If's, I changed. I was blind to the change. I've been depressed my whole life. I never looked foward to tomorrow, it was just another cloudy day in my life of torture.

Find me, and look into my eyes. All the pain and bad shit in my life can be seen. My eyes are filled with hatred, anger, uncertainty, all directed at the reflection they see in the mirror.

I can't even look into the mirror anymore. I can't look into my eyes. I break down, and cry. I remember the past, and my chest begins to tighten.

I'm afraid. Scared shitless of what I might find if I open up my heart. All the memories and pain that is locked away. I'm too afraid to put the key into the lock. I'm afraid.

I thought keeping it locked up would work. And it did. But, time's test proved fatal and here I sit. Not every pain is visible, and sometimes the invisble pain hurts more than any flesh inflicted wound could inflict.

I'm on the verge of giving up on life. That the pain is too overwhelming. That my life is useless, and any effort is futile. I take a step forward, and get knocked 2 back. No matter how hard I work in life, It always comes back to how I feel on the inside.

The demons inside are ripping me apart. I need to sit down and talk with someone. I need to let it all out. Cry, Scream, hit shit. I need to just let go. But, I can't bring myself to take that step.

I don't know anymore. I just... it's all I can say. There's shit in my life no one should ever be asked to witness, should never be asked to do. There's pain inside that no person should ever feel. It was shit I delt with every day of my life. Every fucking moment. Afraid, Scared of what was going to happen next.

I've lived a lie. My whole life was based upon a big fucking lie. Everything is fake, nothing I did was for me. I never wanted to be the way I was, yet I decided to anyway. I decided to lose the real me.

I can't even remember what I was like younger. Before the drugs, before the violence. I can't remember anything and it hurts. I wish I could just feel the way I used to, just once more before I go.

I need to stop rambling and sit down with a friend and talk about it. I'll need some blow to open up, but I'm willing to. It'll help me calm down, and come to terms with myself. Eventually, I need to do it on my own, without drugs. But I need to start somewhere, and I need to start soon.

I don't know where to start. My earliest memory is my father. And the alcoholic, abusive drunk he was. I've never talked to him about it, and I need to. That's where most of this stems from.

I need to break the chains of my past, and fly free. There's a lot I need to do, and I hope I have the courage to start.

[goocher]

The first step in addressing a problem is admitting it to yourself and acknowledging there is one. The healing process will take a long time, but it's definitely worth it. You obviously can't sustain this lifestyle for the rest of your life. No one can. Eventually, people grow up, which it sounds like you are being forced to here. Don't feel like your alone, there are many out there that feel that same way, the best thing you can do is get it off your chest with someone who you can trust and confide in. This will probably be the most cathartic thing you do and it's always helpful to gain another person's perspective. In addition, talking about your issues with a friend will help put things in perspective for yourself.

There is no point in being so down on yourself. You can't change the past, but your future is definitely in your hands. It might take a while for things to get better, but in the long run if you keep making good decisions for yourself and try to stay true to yourself, you will be a much happier person. I'm not saying that you can walk around with a fake smile plastered on your face, but there is no use being so pessimistic and miserable.

EDIT: Also, it sounds like you need direction. Seems like you are living day-by-day with no real plans. A hobby would help, or maybe going to school?

[redeyedfuk]

Maaan that was deep. I say you quit all the hard drugs but thats pretty shit advice as its easier said than done.

[tiny_riots]

There's nothing wrong with seeking professional help!!!!!!! Please, please consider this!

[SuicidalSpaz]

Originally Posted by tiny_riots

There's nothing wrong with seeking professional help!!!!!!! Please, please consider this!

Fuck them. I used to get forced to see "professional " help when my parents were getting split up. Shit sucked, I'd rather go back to Iraq than therapy.

I plan on talking to my 2 closest friends, one is a guy and one is a girl. I know they'll be able to listen. That's all I need is someone to listen, and give minimal guidance. I know what I must do, but I need to get to the point of doing it, if that makes any sense.


Anyway, Myself and the two others are going to be chillin friday night. Coincidentily, all 3 of us have off that night. I think I'm supposed to work early saturday, but oh well. I'll be gone before the dinner rush on Saturday night, and it's fine.

We're planning on getting some blow ( I know, 2 steps back), and chillin. She knows what's up, I was talking to her about shit last night. But my best homie eric doesn't and I plan on talking to them both friday.

The yayo will loosen me up, and put everyone in a more chill condition.

Ruby Tuesday has a 4 day minimum mandatory training period. Tonight is day 4 I believe....

I've been working " per hour" and making $7.50 cause I'm training. I believe I get 3 tables to myself tonight, and I start making $3.13 an hour. Which is fine because tonight I actually start to get tips. I'll make sure to mention to each table that it's my first night on my own, they generally tip better .


For the last 3 nights I followed 3 co-workers around, learning about the shit. I feel I have quite a good basis down, and have been told I'm doing better than they did at their first serving job.


I've made a couple connects for yayo, the two gay guys I work worth. They're both mad funny, and I had to follow one around last night. He was assigned 7 tables total, and make $80 something on a monday night in tips, so he knows what he's doing.

I work from 5-close tonight, and have to go in at 11:30 tomorrow, which kinda sucks. Like, I made more while training but... That money is gonna be in my paycheck, not my pocket.


Friday will be a fun night. One guy gets the blow for $50, and another can get it for $40, and both have good shit. I'm going to see who can get what when. I think the $50 a gram is more reliable, and he said he'd talk to his connect last night about it.

I'm pretty excited. Gonna have a car by the end of the week. Like a $500 car, but oh well, haha. I'm in a better mood after talking to her last night. I just hope she doesn't think I'm crazy.

[Cork]

just keep your head held up high and dont give up. just keep working for better, and better will come.

[SuicidalSpaz]

Update:

Work's going good. Made $30 my first night with 3 tables, and made $30 yesterday working from 11:30-2:30pm. So tonight I have more tables, and it's dinner. I'll be looking to bring in atleast $50.


The good people bring in over $100 a night at dinner, and I'm hoping to land close to that.


As far as everything else goes:

I work monday-sunday this week, with only friday night and saturday day ( i go in at 5pm) off. That means friday night will have to be epic- Spaz style.

My account is -$50, apparently money got taken out for something. I think my cell bill actually. The AF STILL hasn't given me my money, and today is payday for them so.... I'm hoping it's in later.

And that extra money from the gov't? I'm hoping mine goes in today. Got direct deposit, so I think everything will get put in at the end of the day, last time my tax return got put in at like 9pm, lol.

I'm almost out of ciggs, and broke. Today is the last day I'm supposed to be in my mom's house, so I gotta talk to her about staying a couple more weeks until I got money for my own place.

[eyeg0tgr33ns]

Good shit man. Glad to see your doing a little better.

[lipsofdeceit]

Damn... shit sounds intense. i wish i had some comforting words to offer, but i don't really know what to say cuz i don't know what you wanna hear. i hope you feel better after talking with your friends today though... best of luck to you with everything