smoking and usage

TwoLOUD · #**136** (**permalink**) 05-05-2008, 11:12 PM

My virginity stories.....

condoms suck! What? I dont have anything fun to tell.

Elem3nt17 · #**137** (**permalink**) 05-06-2008, 08:36 AM

Last summer. I had almost lost all hope untill one night my two good buddies invited two girls over, one was 17 and one was 19. I got hammered and acted like a loud knowitall hammered guy acts. The 17 year old picked up on it, we flirted, she drank too much, I held her hair back type of deal.

We then went into my buddies bedroom to 'lay down for a while'. I was drunk so I dont remember it too clearly. I remember asking her if she was sure like 30 times till she started getting pissed off. I couldnt get the damn condom on in the pitch black first of all so I said fuck that shit. I tried sticking it in straight off the bat, to witch she replied "gonna have to get me going to get it in". I then proceed to give her sloppy drunken oral pleasure(also a first).

Once I finally got it in I did my thing for a bit only to come to the realization that I didnt have a condom on, so I had to pull out prematurely. I then went to the bathroom with a huuuuuuge cramp in my balls/lower stomach wich I promptly remedied with masturbation.

Then we were laying there buck naked and her friend comes barging in turning on the light blabbing about protection. while my buddy is in the background giving me the thumbs up and laughing his ass off.

It was sloppy/embarrassing/awkward but the day after I swear to god the song We are the Champions was playing in my head all day haha. I fucked her again like 2 weeks later and it was a little better than the first time and alot less embarrassing.

bobjoe420 · #**138** (**permalink**) 05-07-2008, 12:58 AM

i was 14 and my girlfriend was 15 and i was moving in a few weeks and our parents were both very sneaky and we never had a bed, so when we were at the mall one time we went into a stores bathroom and had sex and i ripped her hymen and blood got all over the floor, after that happened i got out of her and we got dressed and whatnot and returned to the mall, then later we had sex many times but that was my first experience.

wh1tn3y420 · #**139** (**permalink**) 05-08-2008, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ultad

This didn't happen to me, but it's got to be one of the funniest fucking things ive ever read...

From ls1tech who got it from another board

(Quote

When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.

sorry its so long heh

LMAO!!!!!! thats the funniest thing that has happened to anybody on the face of this planet.

thenewboy · #**140** (**permalink**) 05-08-2008, 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wh1tn3y420

LMAO!!!!!! thats the funniest thing that has happened to anybody on the face of this planet.

aint that the truth im in f*cking stitches lol

chiggmista · #**141** (**permalink**) 05-08-2008, 07:49 PM

omg that story of the dude shitting on the girl is prob one of the funnist things i have ever read. i was laughing soooo hard.. hahahah damn that shit sucks

fAKdded · #**142** (**permalink**) 05-08-2008, 08:28 PM

ahhh that was too fucking good!

My virginity story... ahhh well It wasn't really anything special, no crazy antics or anything like that, I stuck it in, busted my nut within 10min or less and that was that.

sirsm0kesal0t · #**143** (**permalink**) 05-08-2008, 09:41 PM

I was like 15 and at the time i was on alot of Anti-depressants which really kill your libido but uh anyway i was finger-bangin this slut, which is totally lame, I hate it, I would rather go jack it then finger some ho.

Anyway she got into and was all like "yeah, fuck me what ever" and i was like "Ok.." so i tore it up for a while and i never finished for some reason. Pretty shitty experience but i was cursed from then on. We started dating for some damn reason and she always wanted me to fuck her because i am such a naturally gifted lover but i never wanted to because of the afore-mentioned anti-depressants.

Alot of the previous stories were kind of... Disturbing. Mine was just sad.

starfish · #**144** (**permalink**) 05-08-2008, 10:08 PM

LMAO!!!!!! I am dying about the guy shitting on his gf..HAHHA. That really made my day.

enevitable · #**145** (**permalink**) 05-08-2008, 11:11 PM

if you guys liked the shit story, you should read tuckermax: http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/en...nsue.phtml#278

quite similar indeed

"Unknown One" · #**146** (**permalink**) 05-09-2008, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PinkGoo

I was 17 and had been invited to a party by this guy I hardly knew, but he was 20 and really hot and I decided what the hell. I got drunk, he got drunk... and that was that. I remember going to the bathroom, he followed me in, and we ended up having crazy sex on the floor of the bathroom right away. We hooked up a few times after that day, and I was pretty surprised to find out that I'd lost my virginity to a fucking 11-incher. =D

It was actually pretty funny because I was quite drunk... and I remember thinking "Damn, I have to pee!" and going to the bathroom right away. It made no sense whatsoever why this guy pushed right into the bathroom behind me... and I remember thinking "What in the world does he want? I really have to pee! Doesn't he know that?!" But when he pushed me against the wall and we started going at it... it finally clicked in my drunk brain, "Oooh, he wants SEX."

Also, later that night at the party I had sex with another hot, hot, older guy... while 10 or so drunk guys watched. Good shit. Haha, I don't know what I was thinking, but if you're going to do something, might as well go all the way... right?

wait a moment wouldnt 11 inches hurt like hell banging on your cervix...average womens vagina has only 5-7 inches of nerves...so all that extra meat must of hurt

"Unknown One" · #**147** (**permalink**) 05-09-2008, 04:12 PM

oh wow my first time was around 13 when i was fucking with this chick (13)...we fucked outside of her apartment complex behind a shed on the gravel...i was on bottom...i had rock marks for days

Kind-Smoker · #**148** (**permalink**) 05-09-2008, 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PinkGoo

If you had a bigger dick... pussy would feel tighter. :]

;D
Agreed!

PinkGoo · #**149** (**permalink**) 05-09-2008, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by "Unknown One"

wait a moment wouldnt 11 inches hurt like hell banging on your cervix...average womens vagina has only 5-7 inches of nerves...so all that extra meat must of hurt

I was so drunk at the time... I didn't feel much of anything.
However, you're right, we had sex other times when I was sober, and the pain was fucking miserable. I hated it.

indicalover · #**150** (**permalink**) 05-09-2008, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eyeg0tgr33ns

Wow.

Just wow.

yap thats what i thaght too WOW!!!!!!!!!

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