The Great Vin Diesel

phatbastrd599 · #1 (**permalink**) 11-10-2005, 11:01 PM

i saw this on another forum thought u guys might like it...
So here they are folks..

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives." 1050 8.35

Even Vin Diesel doesn't know why no fact has a rating of 9 or above. 459 8.34

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team. 1060 8.33

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. 696 8.31

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and
Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas. 1138 8.31

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself. 1058 8.31

Vn Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. 1061 8.23

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. 1039 8.18

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was acoat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won. 202

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage. 1022 8.14

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with. 274 8.14

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit. 997 8.13

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. 1031 8.11

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children. 1011 8.11

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him. 885 8.1

When Vin Diesel runs with scissors, other people get hurt. 974 8.1

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.

During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Vin Diesel was awoken by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Vin punched Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him.

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

hotsauc3 · #2 (**permalink**) 11-10-2005, 11:03 PM

Vin Diesel parties in Vancouver and slept with a man before.

But seriously..

TokinBlue · #3 (**permalink**) 11-10-2005, 11:10 PM

haha i found this quite ammusing

TheHempress · #4 (**permalink**) 11-10-2005, 11:12 PM

omfg--that is seriously the funniest thing I've ever read

Bourbon_420 · #5 (**permalink**) 11-10-2005, 11:13 PM

Haha... I don't like Vin Diesel as an actor ('cause he sucks at it and all) but that was just funny.

+rep bud.

phatbastrd599 · #6 (**permalink**) 11-10-2005, 11:25 PM

post which 1 u liked the best lol i like "on his birthday, vin diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun." haha

TheHempress · #7 (**permalink**) 11-10-2005, 11:28 PM

I like this one
"There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live. "

Chronic420 · #8 (**permalink**) 11-10-2005, 11:59 PM

Vin Deisel is Not a Bad Actor At All. OPINION. Compare the Rock and Vin Deisel.Whos better. Vin Deisel's the man!.
Arnorld Could Easily Kick Hes Ass Tho.

Bourbon_420 · #9 (**permalink**) 11-11-2005, 12:04 AM

I think this one got me the most: "It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage." LOL

Evangelion_Jeff · #10 (**permalink**) 11-11-2005, 08:21 AM

That made my side hurt I was laughing so hard. I'm printing it out right now to show my friends.

TheHempress · #11 (**permalink**) 11-12-2005, 08:16 PM

Vin Diesel put the "p" in raspberry, just to prove that he could.

Vin Diesel appreciates candle-lit romantic dinners, long walks on the beach, and stomping your fucking face in.

Vin Diesel coined the term "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" before he ate every unicorn in existence...

When no one was looking, Vin Diesel sped up the Earth's rotation so it would be exactly twenty-four hours.

Vin Diesel is a part of a complete breakfast.

When off-roading in Siberia, Vin Diesel once vibrated so much that the Soviet Union caught on fire. That's how the Cold War ended.

The book Beowulf was based on Vin Diesel's life and is written in Vin Diesel's native tongue, which he later translated into the language he made up, English. He was going to call it Dieselish but he was far too modest. Vin Diesel will also star in the upcoming film version, playing every role. Except Grendel's mom, because he is too handsome for that.

Vin Diesel can tell how something tastes simply by touching it.

When the fat lady sings, it's not over for Vin Diesel.

The original script for Texas Chainsaw Massacre called for 6,000 gallons of artificial blood. After hearing this, Vin promptly donated over 10,000 gallons of real blood from his own massacre performed the night before. We know this massacre as the American Civil War.

Vin Diesel's left nipple produces vinegar, while his right nipple produces Pepsi Crystal.

Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.

Vin Diesel invented Daylight Savings Time to see if it would catch on.

Star Wars was based on Vin's real life experience in another galaxy. Interestingly there were no Ewoks, droids, starships, jedi, or aliens, but there were lightsabers. Good god were there lightsabers...

Vin Diesel once caught a dinosaur with some dental floss and a pull tab from a beer can.

The flesh of Vin Diesel is kosher and provides valuable antibodies against syphilis, trichinosis, tuberculosis, and any other disease ending in -is. Vin Diesel has never had any of these diseases, it is simply a byproduct of his mutant healing factor.

Vin Diesel once created a human being. When that person turned out to be Craig T. Nelson, Vin was so distraught with his poor workmanship that he launched into a rampage ultimately resulting in the violent death of Jerry Van Dyke and the impregnation of Shelley Fabares.

Vin Diesel invented the Heimlich maneuver, though he wasn't trying to save anyone's life at the time, but to murder Bob Saget.

If Vin Diesel and Shaft were to get into a fight, it would be of such epic proportions, that it would cause all our faces to melt off like in Raiders of The Lost Arc.

Vin Diesel can listen to an audio CD by twirling it on his finger and licking the surface.

When told there was a random fact site about him, Vin Diesel smiled, laughed a bit, then ascended into the sky, kinda like Jesus but better.

The answer to the often posed question, "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?" is equal to the number of times Vin Diesel can successfully ejaculate in one minute.

There are 48 signs in American Sign Language for Vin Diesel.

Dragon Ball Z is closely based on Vin Diesel's last piano recital.

Vin Diesel carved Mount Rushmore with his fists.

Vin Diesel's dream woman would be a cinder block with a vagina.

Vin Diesel participates in demolition derbies with rollerskates.

Ars moriendi · #12 (**permalink**) 11-12-2005, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheHempress

I like this one
"There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live. "

Naw this one wins hands down

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and
Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

HAHAH...baby jesus was 'extracted' from Vin's nethers but the stomach acid already did it's work...

Ahmm yes I'm twisted..

A serious note tho...that dude is actually more like a kitten then a bulldog... the behind the scenes stuff on "The Pacifier" shows it...he's taking care of a baby thats not his on set every day for no other reason then wanting to

DirtyPete · #13 (**permalink**) 11-29-2005, 12:59 AM

Am I the only one who thought this wasn't even close to being funny?

TokinBlue · #14 (**permalink**) 11-29-2005, 01:07 AM

apparently Pete, apparently

BOXcarRACER · #15 (**permalink**) 11-29-2005, 01:08 AM

After reading all those that was the hardest i've laughed in awhile without being stoned. My favorite was "There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team."

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#1 (permalink) 11-10-2005, 11:01 PM
phatbastrd599 Registered User Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 432	The Great Vin Diesel i saw this on another forum thought u guys might like it... So here they are folks.. Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors. Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live. If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives." 1050 8.35 Even Vin Diesel doesn't know why no fact has a rating of 9 or above. 459 8.34 There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team. 1060 8.33 When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. 696 8.31 Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas. 1138 8.31 In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself. 1058 8.31 Vn Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. 1061 8.23 Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear. Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill. When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead. Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. 1039 8.18 Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was acoat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital. If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response. Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won. 202 It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage. 1022 8.14 When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with. 274 8.14 Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit. 997 8.13 On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. 1031 8.11 You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children. 1011 8.11 In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him. 885 8.1 When Vin Diesel runs with scissors, other people get hurt. 974 8.1 Vin Diesel can divide by zero. Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers. During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Vin Diesel was awoken by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Vin punched Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him. When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. __________________ I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose

#2 (permalink) 11-10-2005, 11:03 PM
hotsauc3 Dr.GreenThumb '6o4' Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Fresh socks feel good :D..… Posts: 1,585	Vin Diesel parties in Vancouver and slept with a man before. But seriously.. __________________

#3 (permalink) 11-10-2005, 11:10 PM
TokinBlue Banned Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 8,769 Blog Entries: 2	haha i found this quite ammusing

#4 (permalink) 11-10-2005, 11:12 PM
TheHempress You're not the chosen one Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: 4200 Super Moderator Blvd., Grasscity Pennsylvania, 17420 Posts: 11,950 Blog Entries: 8	omfg--that is seriously the funniest thing I've ever read __________________ Now baby, baby, baby this world must seem so immense compared to the womb and baby, baby, baby your head must seem so much smaller than you assumed the whole world seems to center around you it'd be easy to make the mistake that maybe you're why the world was made

#5 (permalink) 11-10-2005, 11:13 PM
Bourbon_420 Breathe steady old man Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: The Woods of Canada.... eh. Posts: 1,271	Haha... I don't like Vin Diesel as an actor ('cause he sucks at it and all) but that was just funny. +rep bud. __________________ "Burn out the day. Burn out the night. I can't see no reason to put up a fight." -Blue Oyster Cult. "Writing your name can lead to writing sentences. And the next thing you'll be doing is writing paragraphs, and then books. And then you'll be in as much trouble as I am!" - Henry David Thoreau.

#6 (permalink) 11-10-2005, 11:25 PM
phatbastrd599 Registered User Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 432	post which 1 u liked the best lol i like "on his birthday, vin diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun." haha __________________ I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose

#7 (permalink) 11-10-2005, 11:28 PM
TheHempress You're not the chosen one Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: 4200 Super Moderator Blvd., Grasscity Pennsylvania, 17420 Posts: 11,950 Blog Entries: 8	I like this one "There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live. " __________________ Now baby, baby, baby this world must seem so immense compared to the womb and baby, baby, baby your head must seem so much smaller than you assumed the whole world seems to center around you it'd be easy to make the mistake that maybe you're why the world was made

#8 (permalink) 11-10-2005, 11:59 PM
Chronic420 Registered User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Why you want to know? Posts: 654	Vin Deisel is Not a Bad Actor At All. OPINION. Compare the Rock and Vin Deisel.Whos better. Vin Deisel's the man!. Arnorld Could Easily Kick Hes Ass Tho. __________________ Weed Is Natures Way of saying High "It's In That One Moment You Find your Self Staring Down The Barrel Of a Ak-47...You'r Body Tense's your Heart Stop's Instincts take over..and then All of a Sudden... Nothing Else matter's"

#9 (permalink) 11-11-2005, 12:04 AM
Bourbon_420 Breathe steady old man Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: The Woods of Canada.... eh. Posts: 1,271	I think this one got me the most: "It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage." LOL __________________ "Burn out the day. Burn out the night. I can't see no reason to put up a fight." -Blue Oyster Cult. "Writing your name can lead to writing sentences. And the next thing you'll be doing is writing paragraphs, and then books. And then you'll be in as much trouble as I am!" - Henry David Thoreau.

#10 (permalink) 11-11-2005, 08:21 AM
Evangelion_Jeff Registered User Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 295	That made my side hurt I was laughing so hard. I'm printing it out right now to show my friends.

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

#11 (permalink) 11-12-2005, 08:16 PM
TheHempress You're not the chosen one Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: 4200 Super Moderator Blvd., Grasscity Pennsylvania, 17420 Posts: 11,950 Blog Entries: 8	Vin Diesel put the "p" in raspberry, just to prove that he could. Vin Diesel appreciates candle-lit romantic dinners, long walks on the beach, and stomping your fucking face in. Vin Diesel coined the term "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" before he ate every unicorn in existence... When no one was looking, Vin Diesel sped up the Earth's rotation so it would be exactly twenty-four hours. Vin Diesel is a part of a complete breakfast. When off-roading in Siberia, Vin Diesel once vibrated so much that the Soviet Union caught on fire. That's how the Cold War ended. The book Beowulf was based on Vin Diesel's life and is written in Vin Diesel's native tongue, which he later translated into the language he made up, English. He was going to call it Dieselish but he was far too modest. Vin Diesel will also star in the upcoming film version, playing every role. Except Grendel's mom, because he is too handsome for that. Vin Diesel can tell how something tastes simply by touching it. When the fat lady sings, it's not over for Vin Diesel. The original script for Texas Chainsaw Massacre called for 6,000 gallons of artificial blood. After hearing this, Vin promptly donated over 10,000 gallons of real blood from his own massacre performed the night before. We know this massacre as the American Civil War. Vin Diesel's left nipple produces vinegar, while his right nipple produces Pepsi Crystal. Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him. Vin Diesel invented Daylight Savings Time to see if it would catch on. Star Wars was based on Vin's real life experience in another galaxy. Interestingly there were no Ewoks, droids, starships, jedi, or aliens, but there were lightsabers. Good god were there lightsabers... Vin Diesel once caught a dinosaur with some dental floss and a pull tab from a beer can. The flesh of Vin Diesel is kosher and provides valuable antibodies against syphilis, trichinosis, tuberculosis, and any other disease ending in -is. Vin Diesel has never had any of these diseases, it is simply a byproduct of his mutant healing factor. Vin Diesel once created a human being. When that person turned out to be Craig T. Nelson, Vin was so distraught with his poor workmanship that he launched into a rampage ultimately resulting in the violent death of Jerry Van Dyke and the impregnation of Shelley Fabares. Vin Diesel invented the Heimlich maneuver, though he wasn't trying to save anyone's life at the time, but to murder Bob Saget. If Vin Diesel and Shaft were to get into a fight, it would be of such epic proportions, that it would cause all our faces to melt off like in Raiders of The Lost Arc. Vin Diesel can listen to an audio CD by twirling it on his finger and licking the surface. When told there was a random fact site about him, Vin Diesel smiled, laughed a bit, then ascended into the sky, kinda like Jesus but better. The answer to the often posed question, "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?" is equal to the number of times Vin Diesel can successfully ejaculate in one minute. There are 48 signs in American Sign Language for Vin Diesel. Dragon Ball Z is closely based on Vin Diesel's last piano recital. Vin Diesel carved Mount Rushmore with his fists. Vin Diesel's dream woman would be a cinder block with a vagina. Vin Diesel participates in demolition derbies with rollerskates. __________________ Now baby, baby, baby this world must seem so immense compared to the womb and baby, baby, baby your head must seem so much smaller than you assumed the whole world seems to center around you it'd be easy to make the mistake that maybe you're why the world was made

#13 (permalink) 11-29-2005, 12:59 AM
DirtyPete Freaker By The Speaker Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: N̵̨̢̦̖̦̱̭̩̪̟̱̞͇̄͛ͧͥͨ́͐͌̌ͯͧ̏̇̽̀Y̅̏ͭ̑͑͑̆̓͊͆ͭ͌&# Posts: 8,892	Am I the only one who thought this wasn't even close to being funny?

#14 (permalink) 11-29-2005, 01:07 AM
TokinBlue Banned Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 8,769 Blog Entries: 2	apparently Pete, apparently

#15 (permalink) 11-29-2005, 01:08 AM
BOXcarRACER 11:11 Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 815	After reading all those that was the hardest i've laughed in awhile without being stoned. My favorite was "There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team."