How To POOP At Work! ( kinda gross )

[AmsterdamdreamN]

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2003 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE . Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee , it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE ). Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH . Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME .

WALK OF SHAME . Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH .

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER . Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN). Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers , and identify SAFE HAVENS .

SAFE HAVENS . Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR. Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH . Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON , or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE . Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON . Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET . Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee . Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire .

UNCLE TED . Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY . Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER . People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Happy Poopin'!

[hippie john]

RothLmao!!!

[AmsterdamdreamN]

Originally posted by told
you my friend have too much free time...

Just imagine what my poor girlfriend goes through!

[toomuchacid]

Just frickin excellent man...but...you did forget one.

THE 51/50

A loud laugh that occurs directly after a havannah omlette just in case you didn't cough in time and didn't happen to notice if another person had entered the bathroom.This is done to relieve the tension in the room, and usually happens because the pooper is still drunk from the night before.

[dagreennitelite]

ha! that was pretty funny

[Zylark]

lol

so funny.

i am guilty of the camo-cough.

the out of the closet pooper sounds like a description of al bundy

[tommy_mak69]

Bumpety Bump...

[Mattplusness]

i always just do my business whenever needed, i don't care who hears, that's 1 thing we all have in common on this plant, every one of us has taken a disgusting poop

[jzchillin]

dude, your an out of the closet pooper.

[Mattplusness]

haha, and PROUD OF IT!

[SWPitcher42]

Originally Posted by Mattplusness

i always just do my business whenever needed, i don't care who hears, that's 1 thing we all have in common on this plant, every one of us has taken a disgusting poop

true. you could just go in the bathroom, do what you need to do, and then leave, without giving a shit, pun sort of intended, what anyone else thinks of what you just did, because every one of them can empathize with you.

[BlazePhase024]

THE BATHROOM OBLIVIATOR

Catch a big, nasty, foul, turd in some T.P. then when no ones in the bathroom (if there is you got balls) exit the stall with your stool in your hand and smack it right up against the bathroom mirror and casually exit the bathroom. if u cant control your laughs doing so, just go ahead and giggle right out the bathroom and act like someone else did it.

make sure you realize what the janitor will have to go through before you do this, but in most cases its totally worth it

and look out for shit splatter

if it gets on your clothes u will stink and get caught shitty handed

[bacchus]

excellent

[Ekibiogami]

Im definitely an out of the closet pooper! If i gotta let loose, its goin down.

[crazycraka]

Fucking hilarious man, I can stop laughing after hearing the word Turd Burglar