what the fuck did i do to my life

[negligent]

CAUTION: dont bother reading this if you arent going to read the whole thing, i wokeup at 8 in the morning and it took me an hour to organize my thoughts into this post, so i would appreciate you at least reading the whole thing. as a basic overview it starts with me talking about my ex gf and then goes into the reasoning my life is horrible, i just wokeup out of nowhere and figured it out after 4 years. so without further introduction, feel free to read on, i'm not really asking for advice, but feel free to leave some or just a comment. enjoy.


I was having a dream, the most happy dream i've had in the longest time, it was about my ex gf, we werent having sex or kissing or anything, but just simply talking and sitting close to one another, and in this dream i had to go through a tremendous amount of bullshit just to see her (sounds pretty gay huh? fuck you)...... and then, i wokeup......... i wokeup to the reality that i havent even talked to her in person for over 2 years, and no matter what i could possibly do, i probably wont ever be close with her ever again, even as friends. you see i was with this girl for about 2 years, from about a week before i started smokin weed, up to my peak years of heavy drug use that you all know me for. in that time period there were more lies that i told to that girl than i've told in my entire life, more tears shed than 9/11 and about 4 suicide semi-attempts... and i think to myself, "how could you possibly miss all of that" n then i remember "because all those things were my fault, and when we werent arguing because of some shit i did, i was happier than i've ever been in my fucking life". I havent found a girl so far thats even came close to making me feel that way again. In fact, i havent been able to feel much of anything for anyone. I look at how my life is now compared to when i was with her, and its about the same effect as god casting me from heaven into hell. I dont do a god damn thing because my friends have all been cursed to the same hell as me, we sit around n do pretty much nothing, and just get high. I'm broke as fuck and cant find another job, so I couldnt go do anything involving money even if i had the fuckin imagination to think of something creative to do. and on another note, its very difficult to find a girl when your town labels you as a junkie. On the family side of thing, i live with my dad and grandfather, and its a 2 on 1 household, they dont trust me either and my dad refuses to try to be cool with me because of "the hell i put him through" (also the same years i was with the love of my life) and all i can do is be nice to my grandfather because he is 85 and losing his mind, and it seems as though "the hell i put my dad through" also effected his communications with my grandfather, because he hates his son as much as my dad hates me, and i hate my dad about as much as he hates his. So when your family hates you and the love you lost wants nothing to do with you who are you supposed to go to. your friends right? the same friends that lead the same shitty fuckin life that I do. and you cant just abandon your best friends out of nowhere because you figured out why your life is a fuckin repetitive hell. but how i ask myself, how did i go from having an amazingly happy life to this living hell. and the only real convincing answer i can give myself is drugs...... yes, the same variation of substances that made "negligent" that you all love are the same substances that have made me come to hate myself. they are the direct cause of losing the girl i still dream about after 2 years, they are the direct cause of beginning to tear my family apart, they are the direct cause for me picking such lameass fucking friends, they are the reason i am broke even when i have a job, and they are the reason i'm on probation right now and the reason i have 4 violations against my probation as well. every criminal charge i have (even though i have no actual drug charges) is related to drugs. the first time i got caught shoplifting i was stealing a computer game, robitussin, and morning glory seeds, the 2nd was robitussin, the 3rd time was robitussin, then i turned 18 and that got cleared, and i got arrested for stealing fog lights while under the influence of robitussin, and after that i got arrested yet again, for stealing a pack of starburst and a watchamacall it candy bar. AND WOULDNT YOU FUCKIN KNOW IT I WAS HIGH AND ON ROBITUSSIN WHEN IT HAPPENED. I also think to myself "you quit doing robitussin, so why isnt shit changing" but thats simply because its not the drug that directly changes me, but the drug induced lifestyle that i've become accustomed to. And regardless of the fact that i've finally figured out what exactly the problem is after 4 years, It will probably take another 4 before i can figure out an answer. Because what the hell am i supposed to do, magically think of hobbies to enjoy and start hangin out with a new group of friends out of the blue? I dont know either.

It's quite odd that i wokeup from a good dream in a bad mood, shed a tear from each eye and hopped on GC simply to talk about my ex-gf and in the process figured out why my life is a living hell.... it'll probably take me waking up from a coma to figure out a good solution though....

[Lebowski]

I hope things work out for you man, seriously.

Live your life.

[legalizebud89]

Man that sucks. So are going to stay clean for awhile now or what? I've always wondered when the stopping point was because you have to realize you can't do drugs your whole life. Some longer than others but you cant be taking bong rips and popping xenexs when your 70. Maybe this is a good stopping point for you, maybe it isnt. In my opinion your future relies with you and only you. So good luck on whichever path you take in the next few years of life man and I really mean it.

PeacE

[Yarostafari]

Some personalities and drug abuse dont go hand in hand, which is your case.
My suggestion is try to find a job/hobby that will keep you occupied from blazin and doin other shit on regular basis. Maybe try to talk to your ex, depending on how bad it is with her maybe you shouldnt if its just gonna make it worse.

Dont worry, be happy

[redzeppelin]

Wow man, I wish you luck in figuring this shit out. And at least you have the city, I hope you continue to stay on here and post with us.

[cheebaa]

you blame the drugs, but it still leads back to the user. You just had a post not to long ago -last week (http://forum.grasscity.com/showthrea...ad.php?t=96297)- saying you couldn't smoke weed anymore, and just yesterday I saw a post by you yesterday talking about wake n' bakes. It doesn't sound directly like its the drugs fault.

Hope shit works out for you man

[negligent]

^^ If there were no drugs there would be no drug addicts, so no fuckin shit sherlock i know that i cause my own problems because of that

[Shamrock0820]

no everyone shutup it was the drugs, no doubt. negligent man i say you quit doin everything weed and all. get a job start making money get your life back a little. yes, you would have to stop hangin with your dudes but hey its gotta get worste before it gets better. after everything clears up a bit you could start smoking weed again. weed does lead to other things but simple but commited will power can handle that. weed is a coping stratigy and us, stoners will always have that as our number one coping technique always. K man i hope things will turn for the better, let us know how your doin and what your gona do.


my 2 pennys

[Aimer]

You still have the whole rest of your life to live, realizing what was wrong is the first step, now you must make concious decisions to change them... that means saying no. really saying no, since you know drugs are the problem. If you stop now, things will get better, maybe not in 1 day or in 1 week or in a month, and you may not even realize the difference but eventually there will be a change.

Dont forget theres many options thrown at you in life, just pick a different door this time.

[hippycracker]

WOW....first of all good for you having the balls to post what you did. And there are ppl on here that listen. Surround yourself with things that make you happy. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders so use it. In the end, its you the makes the final decision, and I wish you all the best in doing so.

[StickyxLover]

Just stop drugs for a while, get a job, make some money and dont spend it on drugs. Eventually u might have enough to move out and that will take care of a lot of your problems. Hey you're young, you have time for change. If you get all you shit together who knows, maby you could become a millionare and this will just be rembered as a phase in your life. Good luck

[Mr.bubbles]

Man you my homie nel...you need to talk come here to gc we will help you outl.....we got your back man and the ones who know you wont critize...

[Heinous Anus]

Firstly, how old are you? Not to sound negative, but if you're young, I'd just put this all behind you.

Life's waaaaaaaay too short to be stressing out over things. Go out, have fun, get a decent job, live your life. There is PLENTY more to come down the road. What you experienced wasn't the end of anything, only the beginning to more doors opening down the road, known as The Future.

Good luck, and nice to see a guy who's got some balls to post something like that.

[XUFCshroomeryX]

Dude I have alot of the same feelings you do and i respect you for looking deeper into them because right now it's to hard for me to do.

[delaWHERE?]

Neg, I'm really glad you had this realization. We all worry for you, man.

I'd suggest you also quit cold turkey. Everytime you think about getting high, think about that girl you lost because of it, and think about how much you wanna get out of the situation you're in. If you save all that $ you spent on drugs towards an apartment, you can be on your own in no time. Getting away from the negativity of your dad and grandpa will be the first step, but you have to realize first that you are an addict, straight up. You may not be addicted to one drug over another, but you are definitely addicted to getting high. You've made it the temporary solution to all your problems...but in the end it's made all of those problems 10x worse. Stop chillin with your "friends", too. I know it's gonna be hard at first, but I guarantee once you stop using you will have nothing in common with those guys. They're only gonna drag you down.

Good luck man, and you know there are always some encouraging words for you here at the city. Stay strong.