My mum is a fucking dick! --- Read!!

[D9_THC]

First off, my mum and dad got divorced when I was about 4, and about 3 years ago my dad moved to the netherlands with his girlfriend. and this christmas my dad came to visit my grandparents about 45 minutes drive away.
my dad didn't visit, which didn't brother me or my brother at all. he didn't say he was, so why should be we upset when he doesn't come?
he didn't phone us either, because nobody told him we were going to our other grandparents house.
and then my mum sent him this e-mail.

How you dare to mention your sons in this mini bio is beyond me. They have
tried the best part of Christmas to get in touch with you without any success.
I think you are a total arsehole and you have hurt the boys beyond any
redemption. How they still have a miniscule piece of faith or respect for you I
don't know.

You were 45 minutes down the road from them when you were here and didn't
bother to call or see them, which hurt them badly.I have no illusions about you
- but do you wish to add to their troubles? I know you don't give a shit, but
they do. You promised them Christmas and birthday money and failed to deliver -
but then - what else is to be expected of you

I wouldn't normally bother to contact you (it's been difficult enough to find
you)I had to this time as you have let them down once again and I think they
find it quite painful. So either get your act together or get out of their lives
- let them know either way.

This letter pissed me off so much! Firstly because it's a really spiteful letter and my dad has done nothing to deserve that sort of attitude. Secondly because my mum said "and didn't
bother to call or see them, which hurt them badly." and "you have let them down once again and I think they
find it quite painful.".... WHAT THE FUCK?? I never said anything like that to her. I've actually told her the exact opposite.
Why send this fucking evil piece of shit to my dad when it's all a load of bullshit? Now my dad is feeling really insecure because he think me and my bro are pissed with him.

I haven't said anything to her yet, but I feel like how she's a spiteful cunt.

[seven]

maybe send your dad an email letting him know how you and your brother really feel..? but that's kinda like going behind your mom's back too =\

[ReformMaryJaneLaws]

She may have thought that you guys were just being tough but really were hurt. It sucks when a Dad doesn't call and expects any contact made to come from the kid...I lived it. I was 5 when my parents divorced.


BUT....what she did wasn't right, in my opinion. She should have said that it hurt her because he didn't come see you guys. She never should have spoken for the two of you. I assume you just found the email. If you can send it to yourself, then forward it back to her so she knows that you read it then that might work. Explain to her that you weren't hurt and that you realize that she loves you guys but that you feel she made a mistake, we all make mistakes, and that you need to let your Dad know that she was mistaken either by her fixing it herself which is how it should be, or by you and your brother fixing it by talking to him yourselves.


You need to resolve this, though, somehow...or it will just get worse. Good luck, D9! I'm sorry you are having to deal with bullshit. I'll smoke one for you and send some good karma to help you out with this.

[weedeater]

yea your mom probably just wants the best for you and your bro. she never meant to do anything to hurt you

[Bud Head]

I agree with critter and rmjl. parents go into kick ass mode when they think someone is doing bad to their young. Although it may not be justified, still parents do that..


Contact your dad and tell him your views on the situation. I wouldn't go so far as to get him pissed at your mom, but explain your side to him..


Best wishes to getting things worked out..

[budburner]

Originally posted by Reform MaryJane Laws
[BYou need to resolve this, though, somehow...or it will just get worse. Good luck, D9! I'm sorry you are having to deal with bullshit. I'll smoke one for you and send some good karma to help you out with this.

[/b]

I respectfully disagree, RMJL. My guess is that D9_THC was not supposed to get ahold of this email. (If he was, then I think that was a bad decision)

IMO, you really do not have the perspective to deal with this yet, D9. This is something between 2 parents.

(Honestly, if I were in a similar position that email would be rather nice)



There was a LOT of shit that happened to me as a child that I thought was easy to deal with. Only later, now that I've had a few decades under my belt, do I realize exactly what had happened in an adult sense.

I'm not saying you're not an adult, but you are obviously still living at home with a parent. As long as that is the case, and you have not completely made yourself independent, then you are not in the mode to be able to deal with this appropriately.

You probably don't understand the HUGE responsibility of being a parent. You certainly don't know what it's like to become a parent only to have your "partner" not be involved.


Stay out of it is my advice. This is something best left to being dealt with between your parents. I’m not saying that they are the only ones who can deal with it, but it’s not the child’s place to be in the middle of a dispute between parents.


This all being my opinion, of course.

[ReformMaryJaneLaws]

Hey, budburner, I get where you're coming from but the fact is that the email was found. Right or wrong on how it was found, doesn't matter. He now knows that his mother told his father some untruths that his father now believes to be exactly how his boys feel.

My mother did something similar, not the same, but similar and I didn't talk to my father for years because she went too far. I just don't want this to happen to D9.


The issue was at one time between the two parents but it's going to be hard for D9 to just forget that he read that email. It would suck for him to build up resentment inside him towards his mother when he can calmly speak to her about it, resolve it and move on with life.


Of course, I'm the big-mouth in my family. When there's conflict, they all want to just sweep it under the rug and try to forget it to avoid the blow-up. Not me, let's lay it out on the table, face it, fix it, and then move on without having to live with shit in the back of your mind that was never resolved.



Of course, my opinion, yet again!

[budburner]

What great advice, RMJL.

And good point.. the email's been found.

But really... D9 doesn't fully understand the position he and his parents are in. I don't think he or she can yet.

That's what I'm saying.

He probably doesn't even realize that it's hurting him yet. (Denial is a tricky nasty thing some times). I used to think it didn't bother me that my mother left my life when I was about 2 years old.

All the way through school I thought I was somehow tougher than expected because it just didn't bother me.

Then when I became an adult and had kids of my own... reality set in and it really does bother me now. I just can't imagine sayin' :"Fuck it.. it's too hard.. byby!"

So just because you think you understand a situation as a "kid" doesn't mean you do.

His mother probably used a little projection in that email. She was the one who was hurt, but she put it down that the kids were hurt. (Which they probably were and don't even realize it yet... kids have a weird mindset).

I don't mean to demean anybody by calling them "kids". But I can't come up with any other word to describe their mind state.

So sure.. I guess it's the right thing to do to discuss this with his mother. (My guess is that he found it, she doesn't know about it, and he can't discuss it with her because he'd be introuble for finding it) It's not good to keep things penned up. Tough call!

But don't be pissed because ma is trying to look out for your best interest. Your father should be ashamed for not coming to see you (which is WAY not my business... but as a dad.. shame on HIM!) It'll all make sense in about 10-20 years.

[Switch]

Number one- good advice RMJL

Number two- it probably wasn't your intention there Budburner but I think that if you TRIED you couldn't make that any more patronising. Number one- do we really know each others minds that well that we can comment on the emotional capacity of others:
"But really... D9 doesn't fully understand the position he and his parents are in. I don't think he or she can yet."

Well to be honnest no D9 isn't a parent (as I and many others in a similar situ are not) however that does not rule out empathy- i've never been kicked in the testicles by a six foot brick shit house with steel toe capped boots but beleive me when I tell you I KNOW IT HURTS. Yeah and you describe D9's mind state- who are we to comment- c'mon we have a relativeley close community here but to be honnest WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER'S MINDS!! and age is not a very good indicator of one's mindset anyway.

Bottom line- I think the only one here able to comment on D9s mind and whether or not D9 is hurt or not IS D9. Oh and saying "I've been through this and I know what it's like" is not accurate... more accurate is "I've been through this and I know what it was like in MY PERSONAL CASE" but you have to appreciate that there are more facors in this than we know or could know- the smallest little thing can contribute to the mind and situation of an individual- perhaps if we'd seen every moment of D9s life we could comment just and not really well.

D9 my personal advice is as that of RMJL- Put cards on table and say what you feel OTHERWISE you repress things and THIS IS NOT GOOD. If you do not express and feel your own feelings to their full extent then they come back to haunt you in later life (a day, a month, a year who knows how long THAT might be)

Either way- good luck with the whole situ.

[budburner]

Great advice, switch. And I can appreciate the idea that it's not good to hold back feeelings. The email has been seen.

But.... wait until you are old enough to know better then get back with me.

[budburner]

And patronizing? I guess so. (Didn't even realize it... oops!)

My apoligies, D9. I am not intending to demean or belittle you at all.

But there's really no way for you to understand what I'm talking about. (And I did not say I understand what you are going through!) I'm not saying that your mother was completely in the right (lies are generally not a helper in most situations in the long run). But, I bet you're thinking "I'm not bothered by my father not coming to see me". Point being... it should hurt you and it probably is, without you even realizing it yet.

I understand psychology.. and the average mindset of a person who is still living with and being supported by a parent. It's known that kids have defense mechanisms that protect them from things they don't even know they need protected from. They will NOT realize this until they are older.

So, I will reverse my decision to suggest that D9 stay out of it. Certainly it's not good to hold back feelings.

Just don't be surprised when mamma says "You can't understand why I did that". Because I don't feel that D9 can yet.


Plus... what were all of you expecting here? Just the fact that D9 brought it up here is pretty cool (like... as in dealing with feelings).... But was he really expecting nothing but people who agree that his mother is terrible for doing that? Perhaps anybody who disagrees with D9 should keep out of it?

I call it like I see it, and appreciate it when others do the same. So... thanks for calling it like you see it, Switch and RMJL. I respect you even more because of it.

[SocialHeratic]

maybe thats what she really thinks. And it does sounda bit cuntish of your dad not to see you for years and not even btoher to call when he's less than an hours drive away...sounds like summat my dad'd do!

[wildc@rd]

Fuck, you need to get your own place.

[budburner]

Dh9... feel free to jump in. lol

I'm interested in hearing your point of view in light of all these comments. But you don't have to of course.

I hope everything works out ok for you and your family.

[D9_THC]

Sorry that I didn't reply for so long. I'm just so pissed off with her... I don't know what to write....

But thanks for all of your advice.. and I agree with budburner actually. I'm not really too concerned with the opinion my mum has of my dad... and now that budburner has pointed out... they're not my problems. This is a problem which I have to leave to them to fix, or not to fix.

But both me and my brother were so fucked off about the way she used us as a weapon against my dad. We didnt say anything of the like that was in the letter, so all it does when my mum makes shit like that up is lose my respect for her.

My brother spoke to her about it, and she swiftly changed the subject. Go figure eh?