Oh shit, am I going crazy

[420girlie]

It's not all that hard if I think about it because I really couldn't handle it right now which fucking sucks, but that's what I get for cheating on good old Mary Jane though

I like to draw too, I wish I had a big ass scanner I would show you some of the crazy ass shit i've done while frying. I have been reading lately too I hadn't read a book in years but lately it's one of the only things that can help when I get a little flasher. Becuase TV fucks my brain along with music because my mind gets a chance to wander so a good book is pretty much all there is to keep me distracted besides a good sleep of course, but that's hard to come by these days I just can't seem to fucking shut my damn mind off

[KraziHare]

That's pretty cool that you like to draw, I find it to be the best way to express myself, even if it's just for me to look at. if I had a scanner I'd already have them up at www.deviantart.com I think I'm gonna get my friend to come over with his digital camera though so if I ever get a chance I'll share some of my pictures (I'm an appreciation whore ) I think I'm gonna sleep (or pass out) for a few hours now before I have to wake up in the middle of the night to go work
Stay strong Girlie!

[420girlie]

You should definately borrow that camera krazi.

Thanks for all your support

[420girlie]

Even after four fucking years, reading this shit brings me right fucking back to stark raving crazy! Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. It took sooooo long to get over that. Well, im still not over it, it didn't ever really go away. I pretty much just adjusted and learned to tolerate and live with it.
In reading my posts over, my words didn't even come close to expressing the sheer terror of my experiences. That day (that day I first freaked out and wrote this babble) rocked me to the very core of my being, it made me question every miniscule part of life. Not even just question, more like dissect and break it all down. It sent me into a massive spiral of fear and confusion. I felt like everything was just completely wrong and foreign. Nothing was as it was before, my thoughts, feelings, interactions, senses. Like everyone would notice that I was just this fucking wigged out weirdo that could just completely lose her mind at any moment. Like I could just be walking around and poof! there I would be just wandering aimlessly lost in my head forever.
When I read back its alot easier for me to analyze and interpret some of my experiences now. For instance when I felt as if life was reduced to a strange kind of little treasure hunt or as I so eloquently put it before "I was always looking for the thing, everything was either the problem or the answer." Duh! Thats fucking life in a nut shell.
Thats what life is problems, or questions, and answers. We're all constantly searching for something, love, attention, stability, knowledge, adventure, acceptance, success, whatever, mostly just answers. Who are we? Why are we here? What makes me me and you you? How did we get here? Where are we going? Everything just boggled my mind.
I was just inundated with all of this understanding. It was just so much realization at once it took me years to unravel all that shpegackle into something that made sense. Or take the part where everyone was just wondering around untill they ran into someone and they'd exchange some gibberish and go off in search of something or someone else. Thats what people fucking do. Were constantly searching for something to strive for, or a leader to follow, someone to be with. It just seemed so frivilous and trite. We all just go through this life in essence wandering around untill we bump into someone and for whatever reason we exchange words and experiences, and thats just what people fucking do. Why ask why? For some reason, I just couldn't wrap my mind around it.
When you go on a "trip" it exposes everything. You can't hide anything or hide from anything. Your exposed, our insecurities, our fears, real thoughts, doubts, habits, its all out there. Anyone could get my secrets and I didn't like it. I've tried to hide from so many bad things in my life for so long and suddenly there it all was, nothing I could do, no control whatsoever (like life, am I starting to make my point yet ). This is real. There's no take backs, u can't sidestep or charm life, or death for that matter. All u can do is accept and move on. Not that I have, but thats the goal. I figured it out thats my thing, thats what im after and that in itself is my answer