http://forum.grasscity.com/blogs/suicidalspaz/ Marijuana growing @ Grasscity - FREE marijuana pictures, photos, articles, tips, and advice on Cannabis Cultivation - Grasscity.com fights for legalization by teaching you to grow your own herb! en Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:10:17 GMT vBulletin 60 http://forum.grasscity.com/images/misc/rss.jpg http://forum.grasscity.com/blogs/suicidalspaz/ http://forum.grasscity.com/blogs/suicidalspaz/19-my-life-turn-better.html Sun, 30 Sep 2007 00:49:57 GMT Hey guys, This new blog thing is pretty sweet. I'm gonna test it out. This blog may run a bit long, but I've got so much to let out.


Most of you know of my past, probally better than I can actually remember it. I thought my life would continue to be shitty. I would end up a dealer, making money, but continuing my spiral descent into Hell. I've made many bad choices in life. I'm not as open as I wish, and I needed someone to trust.

Megan had wrote me a letter, when we were chilling at my house with some blow. It was amazing. Her saying she loved me, and appreciated everything I did, and continue to do for her. Just those first two lines, gave me a hope I've never had before. I read the letter over and over again, falling for her more and more with each read of it.

I hope when I come back from Tech school ( I'll be home for Christmas) her and I can pick up where we left off. In my heart, I want to support her, and be there for her. I want us to be together. But it's always the "wants" that get us in trouble. The mind concentrates on what we "need" while the heart concentrates on our "wants".

Well, I tend to listen to my heart much more. I've never felt this way towards anyone before. In my heart I also know the odds of us working out are slim.

Every night, I have random flashbacks to my accident. They're very graphic, and very very real. Infact, even after I realize what's going on, and "snap out of it", I'll hear sounds, screams and cries for up to another 3 minutes.

Last night I did coke, and Actually fell asleep pretty easily. I had a dream about her. It wasn't anything sexual. But the feeling of well-being and love was nearly over bearing, even for a dream. I had asked her to stay with me, to love me, and everything I wanted. Right as she was answering, it Turned into a flashback.


I woke up, screaming, and punched a hole in the wall. I grabbed a razor blade, and stuck it right to my arm. I was just getting ready to cut down the street, right on the vein, End all this pain. When I took one last look at my room, before taking my life, The only thing I saw was her letter.

With a trembling hand, I picked up the notebook, And read those first two lines again. I began to cry, and my shaking hand dropped the razor blade. It was a rough night. I laid in bed all night crying.

The one person who saved me, is the one person I can't be with. I finally got my military career coming up. Now that I know what's going on with us, I want to stay here. But, I've come to far to give up this career opportunity.


All I can do is wait and hope. The only thing that gives me hope anymore, is that I might get the chance to see her face. Her beautiful smile, Gorgeous brown eyes. That's basically the only thing keeping me going. When I leave for bootcamp in 1week and 2 days, I will be lost.

I'll be on my own, with no help from ANYONE. I'm not sure that I'm strong enough to make it through bootcamp. I want it so bad, But It be so much better if I could see her. I want to call her up right now, and tell her everything. Everything about how I feel, Everything I think.

But I can't. I can't bring myself to say what's in my heart. I know I need to before I leave. My head is spinning. A little more coke would help. Now my life is beginning to stable out, but my mind is still fucked up. My heart is set on her, and my Mind is trying to pry it off of Megan.

Basically, I struggle everyday with my decision to leave. I doubt her and I will ever be together. Sorry this was so long, I just really had to get shit off my chest. ]]> SuicidalSpaz http://forum.grasscity.com/blogs/suicidalspaz/19-my-life-turn-better.html