Hello Grasscity.

This is my first blog and i would like to share my life from the 1st of Jan. of 2008.

New years eve was kind of lame but the very next day i got baked out of my mind. it started off as a good day. but no. something wrong goes on between me and my girlfriend (currently ex). so i got pissed at her and i was in a bad mood til the very moment i went into my subconcious mind.

2nd of Jan. i woke up still mad. i have anger and depression problems. so when i got in a negative mood i would become the most pessimistic person in the world. i was having a bad day. so later in the day i go to the blood bank to donate plasma just to make 15 bucks to help pay for the motel rent my crackhead mother and i live in. this process ended up taking over 3 hours. its 7 o clock. im sitting there expecting a ride from my moms ex boyfriend who apparently didnt show up. so i had to walk from the blood bank to the motel. take note this was in joliet, IL. i had a hour walk to walk and it was in bellow zero degree weather. i was stressing out, becoming hysterical. i went from anger to sadness to a real deep depression that i just wanted to kill myself right then and there. as i was walking i came upon the train station. and i was standing there for a minute crying, contiplating suicide. just bring myself onto the tracks and wait for the next arrival. but for some reason i didnt go and continued the dreadful walk. as i got to the motel my mom came to her feet worried about me when she saw the expression on my face. death. i told her i was having a horrible day and i just started punching counters to punching myself repeatedly in the right temple. i scared the shit out of my mom and she started crying. i told her i almost offed myself and i still want to. despretely, she goes to the payphone to call my aunt to take me to the hospital. the day ended with me crying to myself to sleep.

the 3rd of jan. i was brought to the silver cross hospital. the very hospital i was born in. and i was brought into the emergancy room and then into the behavioral health unit. an inpatient i was for a straight week. met some other suicial people. some who actually attempted suicide yet were only there for 3-4 days. i was the youngest (18). they put me on meds, i came out feeling a bit better. i found out i really enjoy reading and jigsaw puzzles.

came back to live with my mom at a cheaper motel she moved in. i stayed in there for about two days. got on good terms with my girlfriend. had her pick me up and later that night i got a call from my mom telling me i need to find a place to live. we couldnt make rent. (mom is unemployed along with me) so i call my friend john. told him my situation. and came to the answer that i was able to stay at his place. (still living here in bolingbrook borderline woodridge) but only have til the 19th of feb. so i moved there as my mom moved with a friend of hers.

not more than a month later i broke up with girlfriend. i dumped her while i was in my angry mood. putting her down, making her cry. next day i thought i made a huge mistake. so i call her and of course she hasnt forgiven me. so i planned on giving her a dozen of roses. but the next time i came in contant with her i flipped and just did the same thing all over again. so we're officially not going out. for the first two days i was depressed over it but now im simply over it as she dwells on my harsh words of hate.

now here i am still in a pickle. im on two antidepressants, antianxietys, and antipsychotics. meds arent cheap. other than that i have less than a week to get my license (yea im 18 without a licence). im suppose to have an interview sometime this week. hopefully that will fall through. but see since its the 12th and i got no more than a week to move, i made a deal with my moms friend. if i get my license and am for sure to get a job, i can get one of his trucks that i desperately need.

yesterday i just found out where im going to live. back in joliet with a 25 year old girl i have only met once. as bad as it seems im happy i know ill have a roof over my head in this bellow zero degree weather.

so now i sit here with my mind set on getting my license and hoping for an interview this week.

my goal after that is to have an apartment with my mom in westmont. my mom has been clean since the 3rd of jan. aka the day i went into the hospital. shes been looking for a legal secretary job left and right. as she has that we are going to be on our feet. and during this time i want to help to help her with her 13 year addiction.

as for long term goals. i want to go to school in the fall. college of dupage for two years. possibly join the school jazz band (play upright bass). and after that i want to be transferred and become a doctor in psychology along with a degree in music.

this is all i have to share with you guys for now.

later city