I have been a Christian for many years, though probably not a very good one, as I will explain below. Shortly after my "indoctrination" I began to have doubts, I was around 11-12 at the time, though, my immediate family believed and it was rather hard to express those doubts. Generally I would get the "people who do not believe go to hell" speech and quite frankly, I did not want to go there. So, even while I was filled with doubts I would do my best to ignore them and toe the line. Though, that did not last long as I went through a long period of my teenage years disbelieving but never actually saying so, even to myself. I mean, Jesus said if I had faith the size of a mustard seed I could move mountains. I did not see anyone even healing a cut, yet, Jesus said we would do greater things than even he. I would simply come out with arguments against it, playing the role of devil's advocate, which in a way, helped me by allowing me to express my inner doubts. Sometimes I would regain a feeling of faith, a time where I successfully put my doubts behind me, but it never lasted long, and during that time I still had questions that would gnaw at me.

Of course that lead to feelings of guilt as well as a great sense of fear. What if I died today? Would I actually be able to get to heaven filled with all of these doubts? It frustrated me that a loving God would give such a test, a test where one must throw logic and reason out the window in order to pass. What could be so important about blind faith, why the hell would God want such a thing, and make sure to provide zero evidence that the Bible was correct, even going so far as to deliberately mislead and lie to us via the information we found? I do not remember reading about the waters of Egypt turning to blood in any history book, I did not read about the death of all firstborn, I did not read about the parting of the Red Sea and the death of Pharaoh and his army, though it was plain in the Bible. Why would it be absent from history, I would think that such events would be recorded by the people of the day. I mean, if we woke up tomorrow and found out that the Atlantic Ocean was boiling urine, I am sure we would record it in our history books. It would be a very odd, and oddly miraculous, event after all. Instead no evidence is given, no way to verify, and a huge amount of information that points to the story of Christ being plagiarism. Yeah, I know my mythology, a subject I found most interesting as a child. Even Jesus has no real historical basis, which is odd for a man who could raise the dead, no matter if the politicians of the time disliked him, his story would be historically valid.

I, of course, would backslide after weighing all the reasons to doubt, and the only reason not to being because it was written in the Bible. I read the Chronicles of Narnia, my Grandmother has a wardrobe, I do not search for a way to a magical forest simply because Lucy found one in a wardrobe. Yet, I would still not fully acknowledge my doubt and I would come up with reasons as to how it could be possible. My mind would work diligently, I would read the Bible and toss out what I did not like, but justify it because of what was said elsewhere. Yeah, I realize that the Bible contradicted itself worse than Star Trek cannon, but I figured that it actually did not because later passages would seemingly explain it away. Much in the same way Biblical prophecies come true every 25 years, pointing to the return of Jesus at every turn. I spent a lot of time thinking about God and his nature, I read the Bible, and came to a good place, I believed, yet I had my questions, questions that I believed would be answered with more faith and more contemplation. But I did not really believe that. An odd contradiction eh? I believed yet I did not. Trust me, it was not a peaceful place to be at.

I would go back and forth over all of this in my mind, everyday finding more reasons to doubt, and everyday finding another reason not too. I nailed Christian apologetics, because it was essential for me to do so. It was a constant fight for me, a constant battle to believe. Reading the Bible could no longer bring me comfort, in fact I had to avoid it, because every sentence I read would further reveal that it could not be believed. How could it be true? God said one thing one time and something contradictory the next, he waded in blood and demanded his followers to do the same, while telling them to do so was a sin and they would be punished for it. I could no longer read it, to do so would force to me to acknowledge a choice I made back when I was 11-12, that I did not believe in what the Bible said.

That is pretty much what I am trying to say. I no longer accept the Bible as any form of truth, beyond some good moral advice if the majority of it is cut out. It is a good thing I believe that truth can be found in anything, it allows me to take what is good from something and ignore the rest. I will not claim my flirtation with Christianity has been a completely bad experience though, I credit my faith with helping me to become the person I am today, the moral person I am today. But, even then I do not know if I should. Morals are normally self evident and common sense, it could simply be the rational aspect of myself that arrived at the same conclusions as whoever wrote certain parts of the Bible. I do however believe that a creator is a very logical idea, I base this belief upon evidence, though I should add the word "circumstantial" before "evidence". I am not claiming atheism, as I believe there is ample enough reason to believe in the possibility of a creator, though not any religious interpretation that we currently have.