stream of consciousness about rats, federalism, and weed.

[RuseOfMetacarpi]

This is available on my xanga. [/endplug]
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Why rats are good and federalism is bullshit.

Okay, so for the first time in a while fuck the metaphors and fuck poems and fuck lyrics because I need to write. Every day I find myself feeling more like a mirror than a writer, so here's what's up.

In order for this all to get underway, I've gotta explain a lot of shit. Firstly:

I have an apartment on Cary Street that is overall a very nice place. The carpets are or were pretty clean, everything looks nice, the stove is typically clean, dishes aren't too bad. And the general infrastructure of the place is simple but nice for the cheap amount that I pay.

I would pay $100 more a month to completely erradicate one problem with the place:

RATS.

Dude they fucking suck. You're watching futurama with the lights off trying to fall asleep and all of a sudden you hear what is either a paintbrush running across the floor or a rat running across the floor. And I myself haven't painted in years so I immediately know it's a rat. They shit behind everything and they're scary as fuck. Plus, some of these things are HUGE.

So I got this trap from my mom, made for rats, and it crushed like 4 in 3 days or some crazy shit (1 big one and 4 little ones is the current count on the fridge tally) and then they came and replaced our stove and clogged the hole where they were getting in and we hadn't heard anything, but then.

Tuesday night.

Taco tuesday at casa de tomtom.

the shells are toasting in the oven and me and Rob Bojangles are kickin it and we hear this sound in the kitchen from the living room. There was a very intense exchange of glances and at that point we both crept into the kitchen and armed ourselves with a green bucket and a collander. You spell it right then.

and so we took the taco shells out of the oven and turned it up to 500, because we had seen the rat run up into the walls of the oven and figured some heat would make that thing move. so we block off all the possible escape routes, finish the L, and wait.

and wait.

and hear something

and wait

and BOOM he drops down out the oven onto the floor and hauls ass into this tiny little crack between the dishwasher and the lower cabinets, FUCK.

So we have taco party and forget about it.

Now that was a big long story in the wrong direction, but here's the point: I have done some crazy shit with rats in my apartment and seen some crazy shit too. They're a bitch to put up with and they'll never go away.

But. Here's why having rats is a good thing:

1. They keep you humble. This is self evident.

2. They keep you company. Nothing's worse than having to watch buckethead on youtube late at night without that comforting skitterskatter between the walls.

3. They help to maintain your primal predatorial habits. If you have rats in your pad, prepare to have to unleash the beast because you will whether you want to or not. You must learn how to bait, stalk, and easily identify your prey in every imaginable situation. It's a rush.

4. You will seem really smart all the time. As long as you're always talking about rats all the time.

5. Rats are very good role models for people who suffer from weak wills. Because these motherfuckers don't quit. You think they ran away, but they're just between the walls, waiting until they can strike again. Be tenacious, like the rat.

Now, this is where things get a little fucked up.

At some point in the next nine months, the state police are going to most likely raid my pad and re-endict me on charges that most of you have heard of already. The reason why this is happening is because the county was forced to drop the charge so that the state can prosecute it.

So, how would that make you feel?

A little bit like a rat. They hear my car tearing down the expressway like I hear scratches in my sleep. They're waiting for one of their tasty deals from some guy I don't know to come around, and SNAP. The trap is down.

Then I've got more charges, more dirt, and more time. It seems like you'd be pretty stressed out all the time in a situation like this, but I feel ok.

but like a rat.

Almost everyone who's heard this so far has said that it is fucked up to the max.

And I completely agree.

Is it possible that maybe I'm just pissed that a system that works semi-effectively towards a vague objective and through way of stone-cold protocal worked against me the way it should?

No, I'm bitter because this system has been targetting the wrong crimes for so long.

People say pot makes you lazy

yeah if you're HIGH all the time. You don't see people dissing alcohol because it makes people horrible drivers and stupid, illiterate gorillas. Because that's only when you're drunk.

People say pot causes crime and violence.

No. The fact that pot is illegal causes crime and violence. Does anyone remember prohibition?

does anyone remember how it was a fucking failure?

WAKE UP this shit is going on right now.

Remember Vietnam? I don't. But I know some of you do. We are in ten Vietnams right now with the most cruel, money-hungry bastard at the helm of the battleships, or more accurately, at the head of the table, since George Bush would surely not send himself nor his brood or brethren into this fucking war.

And George Bush isn't the problem. The problem is inherent in our overboiling melting pot and its fucked up systems. Do you guys realize that our vote in the national election by all technicalities does not fucking matter at all? The electoral college is complete fucking bullshit. Here's my drawing explaining the electoral college and our vote's effect at electing the president:




In this case of course the candy bars are the presidential candidates, the dbag friend represents the electoral college by way of physically going into the store and selecting the candy bar, and the other friends represent the electorate who vigorously voice and stand behind their opinion of the candidates and select their favorite one.

The three musketeers bar clearly represents George Bush. And now we're stuck with disgusting "frothy" nuget for 4 years. Please don't ever let me eat a candy bar that's been described as "frothy". Blech.

What's more fucked up than that though, a little bit, is what they call federalism. In the united states, it is the fact that the body of government is divided into federal, for the entire nation, state, for... the states, which actually means country, but states, and then local for county/city shit. Sounds like a good plan, right?

Below is my drawing explaining why federalism is not a good plan.




You probably can't read all that, but fuck it. The point is in the end no one gets to boogie down at all because the red zone is the highest authority. When there's a highest authority, isn't it kind of pointless to have lower authorities who can technically overturn their law but not actually at all?

Here's what it comes down to to me. You're in Denver, Colorado and you just picked up a half ounce from your dudeman, and you blazed with him while you were there. You get pulled over by Denver's finest and one stutter to the next and with those red eyes eventually he's searching your car. He finds your weed. He writes you a ticket for 50 bucks and takes your weed, says see you in court if you want to fight it. You're out 50 bucks plus 70 for the half o, but that's hardly any price at all.

You're in Denver, Colorado and you just picked up a half ounce from your dudeman, and you blazed with him while you were there. You get pulled over by a state po and one stutter to the next and with those red eyes eventually he's searching your car. He finds your weed. He immediately pulls you from the car and forcefully (in my experience) places you under arrest for possession of marijuana, depending on the situation maybe even intent to distribute. You get hauled off to some far ass jail and questioned. Your car gets towed. You need someone willing to pay 150 bucks to get you out, you're fucking hungry. You go to court and in the worst case scenario you could face years in prison.

Over a plant?

But the main point is, because a special kind of cop found this plant? Really? Obviously a large amount of constituents in the US agree that pot is worth a 50 dollar fine and confiscation, that's not where I'd like it to be, but that's reasonable for now. Meanwhile, someone else thinks that it's worth years in prison? Something's not right here at all.


Now, maybe it's easier to understand my odd sympathy for rats. And then again, I hate the fucking things. They are everywhere.

They're turning the heat up on me and I can feel it when I drive around. They want so bad for me to pop out of the stove so they can slam the bucket down, and hold me there until morning with no bed, no food, no water.

We will see how things go.

That's all you can really do.

[Blazin'Talon]

Shit dude, stay behind the stove and form a little rat cocoon.Then when you emerge as some sort of freakish moth you can fly away!

[RuseOfMetacarpi]

good idea.

[valleyhempz]

Dude i say MOVE specifaclly to alaska! its badass here and best of all NO RATS i understand what you mean totally, we are like rats to them but occasionally one of these rats gets the better of them, and bites them deep in the finger which cuases infection and then change(hopefully) but dude if you can move to alaska and once you live here for a year or two your teqnically a resident and your allowed to get paided by the state, 1654 dollars this year! but hey i like your tihnking an analogy

[Blazin'Talon]

Originally Posted by RuseOfMetacarpi

good idea.

Seemed like it on mushrooms last night.

I did enjoy your writing though!