Very First Poem I Ever Wrote...

[iROLLBLUNTS]

the other day i was really mad/frustrated and i decided to vent out my frustrations through writing a poem. this is the very first poem i actually tried to write other then back in elementary school when they get you to write cheesy 2 line poems. i`mm looking for some feedback if anyone cares to comment.


- - - - - - CRY NOW, LAUGH LATER - - - - - -

So much anger in an unguided direction,
Something is wrong, I must make a selection.
So much pain in the tears I cry,
Just sitting here wondering why.
Am I truely blessed? Or a spawn of satan?
Nothing to do but keep on waitin'.
A million questions going threw my mind,
With no where to go and nothing to find.
But a broken heart and shattered dreams,
Through the bushes and up the stream.
To the road of what life will be like,
The ups and downs its a non-stop hike.
As i sit here, I ask myself, why do I cry?
I realize fuck it, I don't wanna die.
Lost in the sorrow, drowning in the tears,
I pick myself up, I don't run from my fears.
What don't kill you, will make you stronger,
The pain will go, and I will cry no longer.

[mister2]

i like it dewd

[sky dog]

Honestly?

I think some of the rhymes are a really big stretch and don't really seem to come naturally

Some of the lines try to be really metaphorical and deep, and then you throw in "Fuck it", which doesn't really fit the overall mood

Keep working at it and keep getting your thoughts out

[-mu]

Okay, technically it's dog-shit. But that's not the point. You chose poetry, as your outlet, your vent. Not heroin, nor escape into alterior worlds, whatever. You got it out and got it down, and that's a beautiful thing. Poetry can heal you.

Keep at it; your technique will catch up with your thoughts soon enough. Stop trying to rhyme, seek instead your own unique rhythm.

-mu

[morganz0r]

i liked it. what were you upset about?

[.ViciouS.]

Yea it's not that good, I could tell that you were an amateur, but maybe that's because you said its your first poem. But shit we all gotta start somewhere.

Writing poems when I'm down always seem to help.

[iROLLBLUNTS]

i was mad because my younger brother had just punched me in the nose by accident and when i told my mom what he did she didn`t really do much which got me frustrated.

meh, it`s not a work of art but it was an attempt at it.

[FhoNikZ]

i dont think its bad for a first attempt at all, keep working at it =)

[Sleeze]

I hate to criticize poetry.

It's a good way for me to vent and be 100% straight-up with myself and not keep all my shit bottled up inside like my friends. It's gonna eventually come out one way or another. I always keep mine in a hidden place where no-one can ever read it. I know it sucks.

But if you want my opinion:

One Fish,
Two Fish,
Red Fish,
Blue Fish.

Don't sketch on it brotha, whatever helps you cope.

Edit: Why did you rat on your brother if it was an accident?

[iROLLBLUNTS]

well according to him it was an accident but he hit me in the face for no reason.. and considering i have my nose pierced and he`s physically ALOT bigger than me, and even though i`mm older he doesn`t listen so i try n get my mom stop the situation from escalting cuz my younger brother would hurt me.

[The_Jewfather]

Originally Posted by iROLLBLUNTS

well according to him it was an accident but he hit me in the face for no reason.. and considering i have my nose pierced and he`s physically ALOT bigger than me, and even though i`mm older he doesn`t listen so i try n get my mom stop the situation from escalting cuz my younger brother would hurt me.

No offense, but if you're over 18, aren't you a little too old for this kind of stuff? Anyway, the poem wasn't too great, although it's good you are trying to vent you emotions through words and poetry rather than physical actions. Like others said, the flow needs improvement. I like how it ends happier, but dark and gloomy poems usually don't appeal to me.

[iROLLBLUNTS]

no, i`mm not too old for this stuff in my opinion, infact i`mm styll very young at heart regardless of age. normally i don`t like those "emo" kinda poems but i was depressed and down so i flipped the ending a bit happy. i will admit it may not be the greatest but its an improvement for myself considering normally my emotions get displayed through my fists.

[NoBakeCookie]

It's a hell of a lot better than most people (including myself) could do. Don't let people tear apart your work. It's YOURS. If you change it to try to meet other people's expectations, then it becomes yours AND theirs. Keep it yours.

[ideal]

Originally Posted by sky dog

Honestly?

I think some of the rhymes are a really big stretch and don't really seem to come naturally

Some of the lines try to be really metaphorical and deep, and then you throw in "Fuck it", which doesn't really fit the overall mood

Keep working at it and keep getting your thoughts out

idk what your talkin about, I thought it was pretty good, sure he could of refined it ALOT but cutt the guy some slack it aint that bad

[ideal]

Originally Posted by iROLLBLUNTS

no, i`mm not too old for this stuff in my opinion, infact i`mm styll very young at heart regardless of age. normally i don`t like those "emo" kinda poems but i was depressed and down so i flipped the ending a bit happy. i will admit it may not be the greatest but its an improvement for myself considering normally my emotions get displayed through my fists.

emo poem? man ... grow some b@::s shit son dont let people get the better half of you