Dead Girls don't say "No"

[Foraii]

Hey guys, I wrote this piece a few months ago and decided that this would be the best place to post it. I've never shared my writing with anyone, so I'm alittle hesitant to do so. But I'm sure that you will all enjoy it! I wrote this a few days after my girlfriend had cheated on me and we had separated, I started writing and smoking pot to deal with all the stress of it, so at least something good came out of the whole thing, haha. Well enjoy and any criticism is more than welcomed.

I run my fingers down your soft and pale flesh, it is cold. I sit and try to wrap my mind around the pain that you must have endured, it had to have been excrutiating. A heart for a life, a fair deal. I weep as the scene repeats and unfolds in my head.
I watched as you unbuttoned your brassiere through the keyhole, my mind racing, palms drenched in sweat. You layed down, and there he came. Touching you like I used to do, he is loving you like I could never do.
I opened the door and and then you must have seen, what you have truly made of me. Track marks run down my arms, the scars from your absence. The bags under my eyes are from the nights I did not sleep, paralyzed with the thoughts of you.
Then he came barreling in on me, but what he didn't know is that a hatchet would surely close the gap between you and me. A blow to the head and he is sure to die, you screamed but I could no hear. All I hear is how I could never be good enough, for you. Down he went and while his breathing slowed, I'm sure that you must have known.
I'm weak and filthy, corroding into nothing, but now you are truly mine again. I grabbed you by the throat and shoved you down, finally my heart once again began to pound. Life force comes back to me, you my love truly completed me.
Raped and torn I leave you here, nothing more for such a whore. The corpid flesh is always best, now I never have to second guess. No "yes" or "no", the decision is up to I. When I need it I shall take my prize. Endorphins and fluids flow through your limp and decaying frame. Hard and stiff my member shifts through the rotting stench, but now I feel no pain.
You took my heart so I stole your life, but now you are forever mine.

[dangermouse]

[hoodie]

I think you're good at writing Edgar Allen Poe style, but it sounds like you got some issues to work out between you and your ex-girl cheatin' on you. Just my opinion, I'm happy without having my member enter into a dead chick, but hey that's just me. Keep on expressin' yourself man!

It's really creative and descriptive. You must still be mad about the whole thing. That's totally understandable. Everyone deals with their anger one way or another. Just realize that you can't dwell on it. And make sure you start moving to the acceptance/i don't give a fuck about this chick-stage.
Keep 'em coming, though. But I want to eventually see some happier things. If you're capable to putting so much emotion into this piece, flowing happiness will be a piece of cake.

+: can I make a suggestion? It was really good, don't get me wrong. But it kind of was stitched together. Like, you know the writer was spying on the girl. You knew the girl was cheating on him. You knew there was surprise. You knew there was murder. You knew there was death. You knew there was rape.
If I personally was to write this piece, I would have added a bit of mystery to it. Instead of piecing the picture together openly, it would have been cool to see it through a 'madder' perspective. Like, the person is openly killing and raping this girl. He's obviously a wee 'mad' (in the sense of crazy. But crazy isn't a nice word). So maybe it would have been nice to see it through the eyes of someone who isn't logically thinking. Like, maybe he thought he was welcomed to this room. Or maybe he thought the boy was raping her, and she wasn't willing.
It's hard to explain, but you don't have to listen to me.
I'm not a writer.

Ed: Should I add that I don't condone murder, violence, rape, or any of that such? I was just commenting on a piece of writing. There's a disclaimer if you haven't seen one.

[Foraii]

Thanks for the comments guys. Don't worry I have worked out all of the issues I had with this and have moved on from things. I'm a very rational person and writing like this really helps whenever something happens that I need to deal with. I'm psychologically "well" but just really enjoy dark literature.

Pink oddity I really like your suggestion and I may re-write this piece but through an entirely different perspectivce. And thank you for your criticism, without it I could never better myself as a writer.

[NeOmega]

...they don't say "yes", either.

j/k man, it was definitely Poe-like. I'm personally not into this type of thing, but I can see there was expression here, and isn't that what art is all about?

[tokasmoka]

Originally Posted by dangermouse

my thoughts exactly.

[tea.mochi]

I could say a lot about this piece, but you would be offended.
Just... please keep that to paper... I'm honestly freaked out right now.

[notbakedenough]

...Jack the Ripper?

[city4eva204]

its just literature guys, he said hes rational so just read it like you would something written by poe. now if we read about something like this on the news in a week, then id be freaked out. but, poe's work is dark and mysterious, somewhat along the same style of this piece

its pretty well written, it definitely does the job of emotion expressing which i feel is critical to good writing. writing w.o emotion is like sculpture or art w.o emotion, its just not as deep and full of meaning w.o it.

that being said, i see where all the emotion is coming from and i understand how it feels to have your heart ripped up. however, id like to see some more work focused on a different subject, cuz u def have the potential to write some good stuff. the severity of this is wat is creeping ppl out, focus on another aspect of the emotion, draw similes and keep it mysterious and surprising, and try to paint a picture with words rather than just actions.

[tea.mochi]

Yeah thats true.
I didn't mean for my post to sound all freaked out and negative, but the way he describes it does really freak you out and draw on more raw, realistic freakyness, rather than something that almost seems more... poetic or theatrical or something along those lines; which can also be its strong points and make this a wonderful piece.
I think it would help if it were a bit longer and maybe be given a bit of structure for people to follow, there are bits of info/plot that I feel would give it more understanding?
Like, I know this is going to sound really mean, but it sounds kind of like a guy whos just a bit too obsessive, posessive, jealous and childish to really understand and sympathize you know? It does kind of sound like this character went on a self pity rampage and decided to take it to murder rather than realize what was actually happening you know?
I would say adding a bit more despair and such, as if this whole thing has truly droven him mad, but more along the lines of a depressed psychotic than what can be interpreted as a pitiful and immature psychotic... does that make sense?
I'm not sure... I mean as a rough draft, it IS raw and it IS very good for being the original because it is the thought in its purest form. But I think for people to be able to wrap their minds around this without feeling threatened would to possibly give them something to sympathize with so they understand more accurately where you're coming from you know?

[METHOD_MAN]

Originally Posted by dangermouse

Originally Posted by tokasmoka

my thoughts exactly.

i second that^

[eldude-arino]

anyone acting creeped out... have you ever been emotionally invested in someone and felt the cold stinging backhand of finding out they cheated on you?

better off getting it out this way than actually going and murdering his ex and the dude she slept with.... a la http://forum.grasscity.com/pandora-s...er-friend.html

i'm with oddity, in a way, it starts out almost as if the girl the speaker see's through the keyhole is unwilling, rather than unfaithful.

**sidenote: i get that this was "vent" writing, but why not tweak it while the emotion is still raw and in the second draft, rather than look at it as your emotion, try to relate to the reader what you felt... get their heart racing and make them feel the loss the speaker (you) feels**

it's raw, but really has potential