Time: A poem.

[chiefMOJOrisin]

This is a poem I wrote in my creative writing class during the first (and only) semester I attended at college. I slammed it at a coffee shop in a reggae rythym so try to read through it with that in mind. If a line ends without punctuation, it is meant to be a pause before the next line.


'Time'


Time to go and get on the go.
Time to go.
Get on with the show.
Let go!

Time is the line,
that exists though the fall.
Runs through your mind and
connects us all.

Time is the being that brings us together.
Time is the one who creates forever.

Cleopatra, Lincoln and
Nepolean.
Lost from the world and the
line of sight.
Jim Morrison and Buddha, himself...
All sit together on the,
line of time.....

Thers is no time to waste today.
There is only,
today!

Time can lie
or be on your side.
There is no time for time,
yet time is so wide.

Time is the problem
and the remedy.
Just give it time and,
you will see.

Time can be the answer,
the question
or a riddle.
Time can be a burden,
a blessing
or the middle.

Get up and run!
Get in the sun!
Get the most out of time,
before time has won!!






Any feedback????

[SugarMagnolia]

I really like the second to last stanza, but a lot of the rest of the poem seems a little corny. I can give constructive criticism if you want... I have poetry class in a couple hours.

[chiefMOJOrisin]

Originally Posted by SugarMagnolia

I really like the second to last stanza, but a lot of the rest of the poem seems a little corny. I can give constructive criticism if you want... I have poetry class in a couple hours.

I didn't ask for feedback for nothing.... =)


The second half of the semester in my creative writing class was poetry. Before learning any new techniques, approaches, styles, or even types of poems, my teacher had us write a poem about anything. Thats what I wrote. It's been about 5 years since I wrote anything though..... just found this one in a old notebook.

[SugarMagnolia]

Alrighty well...

I'd say the poem has two main problems. The first problem is the rhyming I would say. You extensively use end rhyme, and this gives it a kind of Dr. Seuss feel. This is fine, but I think you're trying to say something a little too deep for Dr. Seuss. Try using rhyme more internally, this way it has an effect but is more hidden from the reader. Another way you can improve your rhyme is to not use direct rhymes like go, flow, show, etc. but rather use slant rhymes such as blessing, question / side, time. You did this to a certain extent and it made the poem read a lot better.

The second thing I would suggest if you continue to write poetry is to try not to flat out say what you're trying to say. This, to me, is the trickiest thing about poetry. Be more subtle, and try to make your reader (or listener) figure out what you're trying to say themselves.

Again, you have some really good stuff in there, this is just my perspective.

[chiefMOJOrisin]

Originally Posted by SugarMagnolia

Alrighty well...

I'd say the poem has two main problems. The first problem is the rhyming I would say. You extensively use end rhyme, and this gives it a kind of Dr. Seuss feel. This is fine, but I think you're trying to say something a little too deep for Dr. Seuss. Try using rhyme more internally, this way it has an effect but is more hidden from the reader. Another way you can improve your rhyme is to not use direct rhymes like go, flow, show, etc. but rather use slant rhymes such as blessing, question / side, time. You did this to a certain extent and it made the poem read a lot better.

The second thing I would suggest if you continue to write poetry is to try not to flat out say what you're trying to say. This, to me, is the trickiest thing about poetry. Be more subtle, and try to make your reader (or listener) figure out what you're trying to say themselves.

Again, you have some really good stuff in there, this is just my perspective.

I appreciate the feedback. My main problem with poetry, or any creative art for that matter, is tapping the well. It seems every time I drew a cool something.....or wrote a decent poem, it came out of nowhere. I sure as shit didn't sit and force myself to write like for this poem.

I'll get totally into it for a few days...... then lose it for months. I have a notebook and the entries are months apart. For some reason I can never keep the creative juices flowing non-stop. Well, I'm sure that happens to everyone.

Thanks again.