Dreams : A Poem

[TuxxiT]

Here's a little poem I found lodged in between a set of old history textbooks on my bookshelf. Comments and Critique welcome, flamers and haters are not

Dreams
As he picked up his tattered genius and dusted himself off,
he felt oddly alone, insignificant, guilty of some moral fault,
in his own minute existence.
One so blemished, so unprepared, and thankless as he to be blessed
with such clever gifts. To hold the sun and the moon in either hand, the power of the Gods at his feet.
The will to power, but the hopelessness of life, a teardrop in the oceans of this vast water wasteland. Floating like a speack of dust on the morning breeze.
How art the wise man divided between enlightenment and madness. Choosing to live to die, or dying to discover that nothing lies beyond.
No promised land, complete with harmony and peace. No great divide between saved and tarnished souls. Nothing. Absolute infinity of emptiness. No sounds, no light, no breath, no thought. A spiral staircase of doom, longer than a million old wives tales, and colder than the mother of an abandoned child.
Rich with velvety blackness, enough to mute the sun in a single glance. A thousand dreadful wars muffled in it's grasp.
How ironic was it for he to be blessed with so much, for so little, only to meet nothing in the end. An entire world to yourself, but with no one to share a multitude of material wants, of wealth, and power, and status and greed.
All vanish upon the coming of the dawn. For dreams can be uplifting, or dreams can be cruel.


So, once again, kinda random poem about when I was trying to come to terms with an old friend's system of values and beliefs and all those shaninigans. It was an attempt to make me see clearer, and I suppose it did. Hope you liked some of it at least

[Meursault]

Oh my, how existential of you.

But anyhow, I like it. It has some very strong imagery in there. It would be much easier to read if you cleaned up the structure a bit though.

[GimmieMore]

I like it, but I'm too high to really get it. I'll be reading it again when i sober up a bit.

[smokingjoe68]

some really good stuff. a little more imagery and a little less "telling the story" would strengthen your poem. I'm not a great writer myself and "tell" to much in my own writing so please don't take offense. you do have some wonderfull imagery, just a little more would help.

also I agree with what's already been pointed out, some better structure would help. just to show you what I mean I'll break down one stanza to illustrate. it's your poem though, and the structure is your decision.

One so blemished, so unprepared
and thankless as he to be blessed
with such clever gifts.
To hold the sun
and the moon in either hand,
the power of the Gods at his feet.
The will to power, but the hopelessness of life,
a teardrop in the oceans of this
vast water wasteland.
Floating like a speck of dust
on the morning breeze.

line breaks insert natural pauses for the reader without insulting the intelligence of the reader with extra punctuation.

overall, good stuff. keep writing, you have great potential.

[TuxxiT]

yeah, man, thanks a lot!!


I orginally wrote it as a series of mini paragraphs, and I guess just tranferrred it over to the thread like that. The transition from paragraphs to poem form with line breaks really help in being able to read it.


That was a 1st draft, and I never did any editing or anything, but maybe i'll throw up a revised edition sometime soon, taking heed to your advice on the imagery and the telling of the story. I'm usually a little bit too timid to show any of my work to anyone, but lately I've been giving it a shot, and the C&C I've received have been invaluable to me.


Thanks for the words, peace!