My first real poem, be gentle.

[PipePuffer]

Well, as some of you may know, im goin through a rough patch in my life right now, and that mainly influenced this poem. It's for a class, although it wasnt what I originally had planned to present. I had a page and a half paper on some unimportant subject, written only for a grade. It had no emotion, no feeling, and most importantly none of me in it. So I asked the teacher to present on Monday instead, because I was/am feeling very sad/depressed today. Anywho... I started to write this poem the next class period, and worked on it all day. This is probly the first time in my life that i've written anything for a reason other than a grade, I wrote this because it's how I feel, and I needed to express my anger/sadness. I dont care if you dont like it, or if I get a bad grade for it... it's me.
Please point out any spelling or punctuational errors.

Pain
Pain is the only emotion,
That can truly change my life.
Whether it be the dull thud of your heart,
or the sharp thrust of a knife.
Pain may hit you suddenly,
this happens more often than not.
Or pain can come on slowly,
as your insides gently rot.
Pain can be felt on the outside,
like knuckles through a wall.
But the pain that's felt on the inside,
is the worst pain of them all.
In my life story, the scars I have,
do much to tell their part.
But when I think of pain, they can't compare,
to the scars that sear my heart.
Life is the cause of emotion,
pain is the cause of strife.
Pain is the only emotion,
that can truly change my life.

Every word came from the heart, and it truly reflects my life. If anybody sees spelling errors, or punctuation errors, please point them out and tell me how to fix it. Ill probly get a shitty grade, cause it was a revision assignment. Im gonna hand in the original paper i typed too, to show her that i can revise well.
I'll add more to this at times tonight, when I sit here and think about my life, it just seems to releive so much stress when i pour my heart out onto paper.
and... Well i was itching my head, and i happened to feel my big scar on my forehead. I then went and looked at myself in the mirror, and all i saw were scars. I cant look in the mirror without seeing the scar on my head. I cant take my shirt off without getting horrible gasps about the scars down my chest, or the scars acrost my back. Im sick of getting hurt and left with big monsterous scars, while everyone else is beautifull and their bodies are free of such big imperfections. It really pissed me off, so i decided to add another little part.

[PipePuffer]

Im with Chrysamere, it sucks to post up your work, have lots of views, but no comments. Pretty much tells me that it sucks.... no need to comment, I get it now.

[chronictoker]

Nah, man. I like it, but I think it would be better without a rhyme scheme...freeverse would be better I think. And make you're lines longer. Jmo. good stuff, though but it seemed to ring untrue bc of the rhyming/order. At least to me....

[PipePuffer]

I'll try to remember that in the future, but the mood is lost now, so if I tried to change the entire thing now, it would be very far off of what it was meant to be. Im still adding to it on various subjects if/when i feel enough emotion to be properly motivated. Thanks a lot though

[chronictoker]

Originally Posted by PipePuffer

I'll try to remember that in the future, but the mood is lost now, so if I tried to change the entire thing now, it would be very far off of what it was meant to be. Im still adding to it on various subjects if/when i feel enough emotion to be properly motivated. Thanks a lot though

Any time .

[Vashi123]

Lots of views and no replies doesnt mean that no one cares..it just means theres not much to talk about..i thought it was a good poem

[PipePuffer]

Yeah, its just kinda aggrivating some times

[PipePuffer]

Buuuuuuuump, maybe it'll get some comments if its closer to the top...

[PipePuffer]

I know this one is shit, but i tried to write an atleast somewhat happy poem. It's very hard for me to find the inspiration for a poem, and i've never done it except in shitty moods. So this is horrible imo, but tell me what you think (although im sure your just gonna confirm my suspicions )

Savior

My thoughts are in shambles,
time’s lost all effect.
My glance darts to every surface,
yet nothing catches my mind’s eye.

I’ve been wandering through my life,
with a blind eye I stumble, and fall.
But for once there is something else,
a friendly hand to guide me.

My eyes are still cloudy,
the worst is yet to come.
But for the first time,
the fog is beginning to clear.

There is light at the end of the tunnel,
yet still so much darkness in the way.
There are many paths in the cave of my life,
yet few lead to the right end.
No matter what, I’ll always know,
your friendly hand will guide me.

[Drazil]

I like both of your poems, but Pain seemed more from the heart, less forced. It seems like you could write more "happy" poems if you want, but you have to really feel it first.
Good Job!

[cocoa]

i wrote a poem

a fish in the water with a big mouth
he live in the bottom of the sea
a fish like a snake with a lamp on his head
in the sea
on the bottom of the ocean

[PipePuffer]

Hmm... i dont know if your making fun of me... or just making a joke. Either way it's pretty funny . And to Drazil, yeah the second one was pretty forced. I still havent tried writing while stoned (though i was on Adderall when i wrote the first one, i think thats why it was so much easier for me) but im gonna have to try it one time soon...

[RuseOfMetacarpi]

This isn't bad, you managed to keep the rhyming from sounding too forced in my opinion and though I had fears that you were just writing some lame papa roach-esque poem and was pleasantly surprised to find that you at least avoided that.

It's a good poem and you understand the differences between bad poetry and good poetry. Well done.

[smokingjoe68]

very nice work. I'm no poet, but I enjoy spending time trying to express myself creatively. all I have to offer is the uneducated opinion of my own that my life is changed by many more stimuli than pain, I feel you though, none the less. perhaps with your education you may offer to me some input on my own works, if you find time, in this section entitled Euphoria. peace

[Ugyatag]

"Pain":

I like the emotion and the way it comes full circle, but you can make it a lot better with a little rewriting. Try writing it in a few different ways: maybe drop the rhyme scheme or get rid of the end stopped lines. Try detachig yourself from it and read it as someone who might not be in a bad mood, think of what would make them understand the pain.

Good work and don't give up on it.