[eglider]

Please take this as constructive criticism and not a slam. You need a lot of work in Eng. comp and writing skills. That post is unreadable without great effort. Not clear and concise at all. Paragraphs outline a thought. you have none. If I were your teacher I would not have accepted it much less tried to grade it.
I would suggest reading more with an eye to sentence structure and a foundation to base the overall premise on. Good ideas must be stated clearly and with brevity or no one will read them.
Not being a writer and having abysmal skills myself. I appreciate good writing more than most who take it for granted.
Please dont be like me...save yourself before its too late ....lol.