[kuso]

...and what did you do with it while it was here?

I ask myself this on a near-daily basis. Always when I'm at work (i'm a cashier at a grocery store) I think about this shit. I just wonder why I'm here, and what the hell I'm doing wasting what little life I have behind a cash register asking people for their Shaws card. And I just want to tell my boss to fuck off and walk out of the store. And I feel like I want to just go out there and live my life to the fullest. It's hard to describe.

I'm just so afraid that I'll end up living within 50 miles of where I live now 50 years down the road, and never having left the area. I'm so scared that I'll never have seen all there is to see and experience all there is to experience. I'm afriad that I'll die without getting to stand in the absolutely pouring rain at two am outside of the window of the person I love begging for forgivness for something, or just to tell her i love her. I'm afraid that before I die I'm going to regret so much that I'll end up feeling like my life wasn't worth living.

Do any of you get what I'm saying?

I want to drive to the nearest T station and get on the train. And I want to be riding into Boston and end up having a conversation with a complete stranger of an old man who tells me the secret to living a great life. I want to buy a homeless man a meal and sit with him and have him tell me about his life, and his experiences.

I don't really know why I'm posting this, I just really feel the need to.

I want to feel like.. like I have a purpose. Like my life isn't just going to end up a waste in the end because everything I'll ever accomplish will mean nothing once I die.

I just want to feel a reason for living. And I want to know what living is, because I dont feel like I'm doing a very good job, according to the definition. I need a definition.