[SuicidalSpaz]

Hey guys, spaz here. Well, I have another week or so in the house before I'm kicked out.


Got my tax return, and had roughly $600 to my name now. I was really happy. That was exactly 1 week ago. As of now, I have -$1.29 in my account.

I'm horrible with money. I get some, and go out and go on a drug spending spree.

The military STILL owes me my final check, which is somewhere in the $1,000 range, which I really need. I still haven't found a job or a place to live which I can afford.

I've been fucked up for so long. Things from my past, my current situation, etc...

I've been working on change. I think we never understand how difficult change is until we must make one. It takes time, patience, and the willpower to actually change.

I've been putting job apps. out. The goal is to get a job as a waiter, and learn something, then work my way up to bartending. My writing has been submitted to a few magazines including Time Magazine. I feel the bartending will help my writing, seeing the nightlife from BEHIND the bar would add a lot.

I plan on traveling around the country while I'm single, not settling down until I feel I've learned a sufficient amount.

But let's rewind... 420 is coming up. All the shrooms and opium are gone. Apparently my mother fucked ALL my shit up in my room.

I'm broke, and hating life. I have a decision. If I want to do want I really want to, I need to go straight edge, and get my life on track. Or, I can stay in my comfort zone. Where you grow up, where all your friends are, and what you're familiar with.

In order to grow in life, we must move out of our comfort zone. Much like when we're younger and move from a crib to a regular bed. It's bigger, there's no bars of security... It's a little scary. But, it's a step in growing.

I'm fighting addictions, withdrawals, being broke, and getting ready to be homeless.

I'm always depressed. Something in the military changed the person I used to be. I used to be a happy drug user, helping all my friends with any problems they had.

I came back a depressed and angry drunk and addict. My mind and emotions are numb. I'm losing touch with reality and with myself. I haven't written anything in about a week, which is absurd. I used to write every day, a couple times a day too.

I don't know what to do anymore. My mother is a sadistic bitch and will never be in my life again once I leave, and I'm fine with it. My father is the only person in my family who's looked out for me and has helped. My friends know part of what's going on ( that I'm getting kicked out), But they don't know how I honestly feel inside.

I don't know... I've always kept problems inside, thinking I can handle it on my own. But this, this put me in over my head. I can't do it on my own. For the first time in my life, I'm scared.

My Pops tells me all the time, " In order to be happy, you gotta be happy with yourself." Or: " The reason you're depressed and angry all the time, is cause you're angry with yourself."

He's right. I'm angry with myself. Whether it's my past, the uncertainty of the future, or the person I've become... I'm not happy with myself.

I need to detox and pass a drug test in order to get a decent job. Fuck working those CVS jobs and bullshit. I want to bartend. Now a days, EVERYONE drug tests, and any kind of background can stop you from getting even a simple job.

I'm not risking my future for the things I'm doing now. I'm having fun, but it's an empty feeling. I'm doing nothing productive with my life. I need to move on from this phase.

And I really need cigarettes. I'm broke, so I might not be smoking for awhile. I feel horrible inside...

Since I've been back, there's a girl ( we'll call her H) who's been helping me get my shit straight. She's had a rough time, getting expelled, doing drugs and not being productive, It's like the ghetto version of the princess and her knight in shining armor.

We've gotten so close, and have helped each other a lot. She recently landed a job, ONLY smokes weed and drinks now. She's taking summer classes to get her HS diploma, and I've never been happier for someone.

Now, I'm going to be moving, and probally far away from here. I can't believe I'll be leaving her for atleast a year until I get my shit straight...

It's like finding an animal in the wild, and refining it back to health. Then, you must let it go back to flourish. We're basically each other's better half. That's gonna be a tough thing to let go of.

I'm just trying to deal with my situation, and learn what I can and move on. Such a big part of me is afraid to move on. Leave the drugs, Leave my friends, start a new life somewhere else. Make something out of myself. I'll have to work 2 jobs to be able to support myself fully, which will suck. But, I'm going to stay on the grind, and learn as much as I can.

Sorry for the long rant. But, I had to tell someone.

I want someone to understand.
I want someone to feel how I feel.
I want another chance in life.

Wanting's fine. But none of your dreams and hopes will come true, Unless you fight for them and never quit.