[Tokin'Tiger]

Originally Posted by Cali Ounces

I've googled suicide methods before, the sites they list dont really offer any information other than numbers for hotlines. Normally the fact that I wrote that sentence would disturb me, but it's true. Thats awesome for you that you have overcome depression, many people are afflicted (myself including). And I'd have to say it's the most crippling mental state you can have. I feel like a bitch for wanting to end my own life but the feelings remain. Sometimes I think that, in my life there have been periods of extreme contentedness. Yet I would never really label myself as being "happy" ever since I was taught what it meant and old enough to understand. That makes me wonder If I haven't ever been truly happy with my situation, would I be even if I improved it that much more? If I did everything that I wanted, had everything that I desired to complete me and my personality. . . would I be happy then? Lately the answer is a short and succint no. Alas yet here still I am. . .

Am I fixable? Given the option I wouldnt wish to be like this. Yet all the tools around me seem to be misfitten for the task. One thing however that seems to work temporarily is getting wasted. Weed, pills, alcohol. . . I'll take what I can get even nabbing a few percs and benzos from my father here and there so for a few hours a day my mind wont travel to that place.

Sometimes I think, perhaps its the drugs kyle. Perhaps you are just so fucked up all the time. Yet I find t'breaks leave me unable to cope with situations. My sober mind thinks much too quickly for my own liking. My sober mind travels to areas and forms conclusions that displease me, even scare.

Will I ever commit to a decision either way? No idea, I know that the thought of how my friends and family would take the news of their beloved's demise makes me cry. But I also feel that I'm trapped here in a permastage of despair that hides until I'm the most vulnerable. I heard a good quote from Hunter S. Thompson the other day on the city. I'd like to paraphrase it because lately it's what has been keeping me going onto the next day.

The only thing keeping me in this world is the fact that I have the choice to leave it at anytime should I see fit.

-Cali Ounces

Wow man, that is some deep, powerful stuff. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

The one thing about about depression that I have noticed is how hard it is to let people know what you are going through. People always seem to say- why are you depressed you have everything you need? Or people have it way worse off than you- if they are talking about lifestyle then no shit!! But is that supposed to somehow make you feel better? It only makes me feel worse, like obviously there are are people who are struggling to find food or whatever, but that has no direct effect on me. It just makes me feel even lower, thinking that if I have all of the things I "need" then why should I feel so bad? IMO one of the worst things you can say to someone who is depressed is that other people have it worse off.

All I can say to you Cali Ounces is to please hold on. Just try and take things one day at a time- I'm sorry if I sound like I am preaching to you- but I don't really know how to word what I am trying to say.